Wow, I’m back… I’m still a bit dazed from long hours spent traveling and little sleep. Nothing kinky to report, either. After all, I was away with my family, without Boy Toy. And pretty much out of touch, so no opportunity to send naughty instructions. But I did leave him with a strict command not to cum while I was away 

Somehow, I ended up talking about masochism with my mother, on our way back from a supper at my aunt’s. She knows nothing about my blog, of course, or of the nature of my sex life with Boy Toy. So I have to be careful what I say! I don’t remember exactly how it came about… I think we were talking about religion and I was going on about how it tries to control people’s life with senseless bullshit (my apologies to any reader with religious beliefs… to each their own). How most religions would have people be prudes, for no reason other than to control their lives. And my mother said something along the lines that people should do whatever they want… Then she said: “Still, I don’t understand things like masochism. They can do it if they want but I just don’t get it.”  So I sat there and told her “Well, they like it. It turns them on.”

I left it at that. I couldn’t let on that I know more on the subject! I don’t like receiving pain myself, but I know people who do. I read people who do. I’ve been having an education on the subject for the last year and a half, now. And sometimes I spank Boy Toy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure my mom doesn’t want to know that.

That’s about how kinky things got for the last week or so. Tonight, I’m having supper with Boy Toy and while I don’t have any particular plan in mind, I did tell him to wait for me naked. I like him naked.

I’m thinking that since the first half of my Holidays wasn’t very kinky at all, perhaps I should remedy that. I received a bit of money for Christmas and I am seriously considering buying something from my  JT Stockroom Wishlist. Hmmmm….

Ever since I started down the kinky road, I’ve been resistant to calling myself a “Domme”. I just shied away from the term, I couldn’t be a dominant, not me! Such a weird thing, too, as Boy Toy is obviously submissive and I’ve known this all along. If you’ve read how we play, you might have noticed the roles are pretty clearly defined.

As a side note, I just wanted to mention that I never know if I should use the term “Domme” or “Dom”. And strangely enough, just as I was pondering this, I noticed roo-roo talks about it in his most recent post. As usual, he makes good, sensible points, so you might want to stop by if the question interests you. As for me, I’ll just stick with the excuse that my first language is French, and so naturally, I feminize the word. And French is probably the right excuse, considering what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

The term “domme” (pronounced /ˈdɒm/) is a coined pseudo-French female variation of the slang dom (short for dominant). It stems from the Latin words “dominus” = master, “domina” = mistress. The pronunciation is identical to the term “dom”, by analogy to one-syllable French-derived words like femme or blonde. Read the rest of this entry »

Last week, I received an interesting email from Unspeakable Axe telling me he had a post idea for me. “I only have the title”, he said: ”How the hell my submissive lucked out and became owned by me and how you can find someone like me?”

Good question, Axe, good question. I was at Boy Toy’s when I read this email and of course, I immediately asked him how he thought he got to be owned by me. He gave me this very inspiring and eloquent answer: “I don’t know. I just got lucky.”

So much for that.

Still, over the last few days, I’ve given the matter some thought. The truth is, I believe Boy Toy and I are where we are today because we started pretty much like any other, normal relationship, and we fell in love. The elements of kink, or D/s, that we do have in our relationship now were introduced gradually, and our communication about such things was always open. I mentioned this in my very first post:

But Boy Toy told me from the start what he was into. He wanted to be straight with me, and avoid my learning this about him from other people, too. He was also very respectful. He was so scared of pushing me into something I didn’t want that I almost had to trick him into sleeping with me, in the beginning. Ok, ok, I didn’t “trick” him, but I kind of had to push him into it a little. And we started with good old regular sex, of course.

But the fact of the matter was, I knew what he was into, and, as they say, curiosity killed the cat. We talked a lot about kink. And it was fun, it was playful and naughty. And it felt like we had this dirty little secret, it created this complicity between us. Read the rest of this entry »

A few days have passed since last I wrote. When I left you, Boy Toy was locked in the CB6000 and I was just fresh out of a face-sitting session.

Unfortunately, he isn’t locked in the CB anymore. I can never bring myself to leave him in very long. It just looks so… uncomfortable. And he complains about it. When I saw him Friday night, he told me he had slept really badly because of the device. Then he mentioned he wanted to go jogging that day but couldn’t because of his predicament. And he told me he was itchy because he couldn’t shave underneath­… Finally, a little frustrated, I handed him the key.

I understand, though. It does look pretty cumbersome. Besides, for me, the point isn’t the device but the denial. I’ve said this before: I kinda prefer the denial without the CB. Sure, locking his sex away is kinky, but when he doesn’t masturbate simply because I told him he can’t… that’s hot. The control is more mental. And there is no feeling of guilt for the discomfort the device can cause.

So that’s how things stood Friday night. He was free. Yet he hadn’t had an orgasm in several days, since I’ve instructed him not to for three days before every Friday. That’s my way of having a fresh, eager Boy Toy when the weekend finally arrives and I get to see him. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear readers, I didn’t mean to leave you in the dark the last few days. Don’t worry, the storm has passed. The seas remained a bit rough for a few days, but with blue skies and bright sunlight making a shy appearance. Be warned, though: this is another of my rambling posts. Feel free to skip. It’s just good for my sanity to throw all my thoughts and worries and feelings in a heap of a post, and then try to organize them into something coherent.

I didn’t see Boy Toy much this weekend. He needed the space, and I needed to give it to him. I spent some time with friends and finally saw him at the club, Saturday night. He arrived later than me and when he did, I was a the bar chatting with a guy. A guy who was telling me about his girlfriend and his coming baby, mind you, but Boy Toy didn’t know that. But it didn’t matter, never matters with Boy Toy. I would love to be as self-confident as he is!

I was dressed in a way I knew he would find sexy. He walked right up to me, nevermind that I had “company”, and checked me out from head to toe. Someone behind him said something to him but he said “Not now, I’m cruising”. Ah, how cute. I introduced him to my new friend, whose name I had unfortunately forgotten (I’m just not very good with names). And that’s how the night started. The rest is a bit of a blur, I must admit. After my roller coaster of emotions, I indulged a bit too much. I remember giving some drunken relationship advice to other couples… Me, who can barely manage MY relationship! Read the rest of this entry »

I should have known yesterday’s little swell was but the harbinger of the storm. Maybe because I had yet to truly unleash my frustrations. Let my fury wash over me and purify me.

Like wave crashing against rock, Boy Toy and I each tried to get our points accross. Nothing was penetrating the other’s fortress. But the fortress can only take so much, and then it breaks.

The aftermath finds rubble strewn everywhere. Bleakness.

But then, I spot a piece of rock. “Wait”, I say. “I can see where this rock goes.” And he says “Let me take care of this one for you.” We put a few rocks in their rightful place, and finally, we have to stop. We’re spent. Read the rest of this entry »

I long to be free of this need for restraint.

This wish expressed in yesterday’s HNT post came true, as wishes are wont to do. Familiar with the phrase “Be careful what you’re wishing for”? No, don’t worry, Boy Toy and I didn’t break up and aren’t planning to. But there is no need for restraint anymore because I did lash out at him. It started innocently enough. I told him “It just bugs me that there’s no time to talk to me”.

This, in fact, is an ongoing issue with us. He’s busy, he works hard. Not some lazy ass bum, my Boy Toy. But it’s hard on me. I miss him. So sometimes I get grumpy. Sometimes I even get frustrated. He doesn’t understand this, as he’s quite happy whether I’m there or not. Very self-sufficient, my Boy Toy. I’m not saying he doesn’t like it if I’m there. Just that maybe he doesn’t require my presence as much as I need his. We’re different, I guess that’s what makes things interesting. Read the rest of this entry »

When I last left you I was feeling a little blue, hormones and all, you know. I decided to cancel Owner Friday, since I just wasn’t feeling up for it.

This, and the last couple of Fridays before that, made me realize that I was going at it all wrong. Well, all wrong for me. The Owner Friday thing was a solution Boy Toy offered because I felt I had no control on what we did on weekends. It was so I could say: no, tonight, we’re not hanging out with the gang, we’re having some private time. But for some reason I went too far with it and it became somewhat of a burden, an obligation, like I had to decide not only what Boy Toy and I did on Friday nights, but also if our friends were coming over or not. I felt I had to find all kinds of cool, original ideas of things to do, every Friday. Well, feeling like you HAVE to come up with something kinky sure puts a damper on things.

So, as I told Unspeakable Axe in response to his comment in my last post, I think that from now on, every Friday will not automatically be a Owner Friday. I will reserve the right to make any Friday I want into my time, and to tell our friends not to arrive too early, maybe. I’m not sure on the particulars, as I haven’t discussed this with Boy Toy yet. At any rate, it might be wise to set a certain time limit for me to inform Boy Toy that I’m taking a Owner Friday, so that he knows to say no to our friends if they call. Read the rest of this entry »

There won’t be a Owner Friday, tonight. I’m just not feeling up for it. If you read my whiny post from earlier this week, maybe you’ll have guessed that I’m PMS-ing. I’ve mentioned this “phenomenon” before. I know that guys must be thinking “Yeah right, how bad can it really be?” While maybe some girls out there are sympathizing…

I don’t think it’s normal, to get this depressed and insecure, during this time of the month, though. I see other girls get bitchy and emotional, but for me, oh boy! It’s not like that EVERY single month, mind you, but often enough and for a long enough period of time that I’ve mentioned it to a doctor. He’s suggested several different solutions to try, including anti-depressants, which I find is a little, shall we say, overkill. I’ll try the softer methods, thank you.

I’m lucky that Boy Toy, despite how quick-tempered he can be, is actually quite a patient man. Sure, he’ll get angry pretty quick, but he also forgets all about it pretty quick. But most importantly, my hormonal craziness hasn’t driven him away, yet. He must really love me

So anyway, all this to say, I don’t feel like making any decisions, tonight. I don’t trust myself with that kind of “power” when I’m in this state. No, seriously, I just don’t feel up to deciding. I’ll go with the flow and try not to be too much of a pain in the ass. Perhaps I’ll even go so far as to give Boy Toy this Friday. Boy Toy Friday. Hmmm…  I wonder what he’d do with it?

Sometimes being Boy Toy’s Owner feels like a lot of work. To the uninitiated, this might seem contradictory: he does what she says but it’s work for HER? Yeah, I’ve wondered about it too.

Is it because my insecurity makes me struggle to find an idea of some kinky activity that’s good and original enough? It could be. I do put pressure on myself. Owner Fridays, for instance. The initial idea was that I get to decide what we do because, well, I pretty much never got to. When Boy Toy came up with this solution, I took it and I ran with it. But somehow it’s becoming a little stressful, because I feel I must come up with some witty, kinky plan for the night.

So I rack my brain. What sweet torture could I put him through? What new experience to live? Then I find an idea. Last Friday, I thought I’d spend the evening objectifying Boy Toy. But, and this happens often, the idea just kind of… stalled. The idea that seemed so hot at first loses its luster, or I can’t get further than just the general notion, I can’t come up with the particular steps I’ll take to realize this idea. Read the rest of this entry »