Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I’ve already admitted, a little earlier today, that I play Final Fantasy. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can show you.

Happy HNT!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I know, I know, I haven’t been posting. I just haven’t had the inspiration, and it isn’t the first time! Guess there’s just nothing much blog-worthy going on in my life these days. Not much sex, that’s for sure

Actually, that last part is a bit of a problem for me. I’d definitely be up for more than I’m getting. From the little talks I’ve had with BT regarding this, he’s a bit bored with “regular” sex and would rather do something kinky. Fine with me, but… I don’t want it to be all up to me. Even with good old vanilla sex, I’m always the one to initiate. BT just isn’t an initiating kinda guy, and that’s been getting to me.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if most women feel the same way, but I want my guy to want me. I want him to lust after me and show it and come for me. At least once in a while. Even when it comes to kink, I’ve always had to come up with everything – or so it seems to me. I’ve had to think of what I wanted to do to him, and then go and do it. It’s fun, but after a while, a girl needs to feel desired, you know?

So it’s coming to the point where I don’t even feel like initiating anymore because my treacherous little brain is imagining that he doesn’t desire me. At this point, we haven’t had sex in about a week and a half (for me, that’s a long time). Kind of a sucky situation for a sex blog, hmm? No wonder I haven’t been posting.

I have told him that I am all for doing kinky stuff, but just want him to take a bit more initiative. It’s been discussed before, and nothing changed, so I ended up getting angry at him, which – predictably – hasn’t resolved anything. It’s not all bad, since he DID say he’d make an effort, and I AM willing to do kink. We just have to make it happen? So I don’t know… Does anyone have any suggestion? What would you do in my position? I’ve even gone so far as to suggest cuckolding but quickly backed away from my own suggestion, as it’s not really what I want. What I want is more sex with my BT. Cuckolding might come later, I don’t know yet, but I’m certainly not ready for it now.

Other things have kept me from my blog, as well. I’ve had a dental intervention (let’s call it that) last week. It went very well and the only thing it’s prevented me from doing is drinking and working out. Then I started playing Final Fantasy again, and I’ve been finding myself drawn to my Play Station as soon as I have a bit of free time. That’s not blog-posting compatible, it would seem. Yet all is not lost, since I’m posting right now… and will probably try to come up with something for HNT later. Stay tuned!

A fellow blogger and I were talking via email and when I mentioned I’m into sci-fi and fantasy books, he asked me what my favorite book was. I ended up writing him quite a long answer and decided to make it into a blog post. Since I don’t usually give this sort of detail about me, thought it might be fun.

So without further ado, about my favorite sci-fi of fantasy book, well that’s difficult… I have so many! You should see my bookcase I can name some that I really enjoyed, though. For sci-fi, “Noir” by K. W. Jeter. A more cyber-punkish book: “Snowcrash”, by Neal Stephenson (which I lent to an ex who never gave it back, booh!). Also really enjoyed the”Illium” and “Olympus” duo by Dan Simmons (imagine greek gods meet robots and futuristic stuff…! Yes, that’s right!) and also by Dan Simmons, the Endymion series.

On the fantasy side, I really enjoy Neil Gaiman’s books. He did the “Sandman” graphic novels series, which I think is what he’s most known for but I haven’t checked it out yet. I quite enjoyed his “Neverwhere” and “American Gods”. They aren’t as fantasy oriented as most of the other books I own.

I really liked the “Otherland” trilogy by Tad Williams, as well as George R. R. Martin’s “A Song of Fire and Ice” series. Awaiting the next book impatiently… Apparently they are making or have made this into a tv series, definitely have to check it out sometime.

I also have to mention two other series, but they are much longer. There’s the “Wheel of Time” by Robert Jordan. It’s up to 12 books, however the last has been taken over by a different author since Mr Jordan passed away. I was wondering why it was taking so long for the sequel to be published… Turns out when Robert Jordan died, his wife asked this other fantasy author to take up all the notes and parts of the book already written, and finish the series. This guy (I forget his name just now) got to work on it and apparently, the ending is so big and epic that it’ll take 3 more books! I just got the first of those 3, and have been reading that lately. Because it’s been so long since I read the rest of the series, though, I kinda forgot lots and am a bit mixed up. I’m slowly getting back into it, though…

Finally, there is the “Sword of Truth” series, but the last few books kinda suck. The first few, however, were great. Especially loved the first one, “Wizard’s First Rule”. They made this series into a tv-series which started airing last year. “Legend of the Seeker”‘ it’s called. I downloaded all the episodes last year but haven’t gotten around to, this year. For more about this series, check out Aarkeybabble’s blog, he posts screen shots and everything. There are many interesting, quite obvious, D/s elements to the series. Still, not nearly as good as the books…

Oh, and of course, I read the “Lord of the Ring” series. Can’t tell you it’s my favorite though because it’s a little… long-winded. Still, pretty good stuff and the movies really represent the book well (for once!).

Frankly, I could probably go on and on, as I’m a pretty avid reader. But let’s just stop there for now

One last tidbit… This song makes me happy:

That’s the real video… Took me a while to figure it out, just couldn’t believe this was it, but so says Wikipedia.

My first serious boyfriend, when I was 16, was a big Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. I think perhaps because of that, I never paid the band much attention. A mental block or something. But in recent years, I’ve come to hear it played often (Boy Toy likes it) and I’ve come to realize I really, really like it. Like I said, the song makes me feel happy. After a few drinks, it just makes me want to dance; it’s a magical feeling. I worked out a little earlier tonight and when I was done, I laid on the bed, the iPod still on my ears. This song came on and it just felt amazing.

Vixen’s PC, over at Secrets of a Blue Eyed Vixen, wrote about cuckoldry earlier this week. They have recently started exploring this aspect of sexuality and PC wrote about it, describing the journey which brought them there.

I found it fascinating to read. It was exciting! The idea of having sex with another man while my Boy Toy stays behind and isn’t allowed to stray, IS hot. I can and you can’t, HA!

I hate to admit it, but it made me a little envious, too. Not envious in the “bad” way, I’m totally happy for them. It’s just that it sounds like Vixen and PC have a very active sex life, while I wish mine was more active. What struck me the most though is how close they seem, how good their communication must be! Because for cuckoldry to work, a relationship has to be on solid grounds. And I wish Boy Toy and I were that good at communicating, I want to feel that close to him.

As an aside, we ARE working on that and I think we’re slowly getting there. Yay!

Anyway, since it was on my mind, I brought it up with Boy Toy without really thinking first. I asked him what he thought of cuckolding, after telling him I wasn’t fully satisfied with how often we have sex… Yeah, I know, way to go me!

Still, he didn’t reject the idea. Far from it. However, he was a bit dumbfounded at the notion that I’d be allowed to go elsewhere, but not him. It’s true that it doesn’t sound fair, and I’ve known from the start that he believes in open relationships. The first thing he said, in fact, when I asked “What do you think of cuckolding?” was, “What, like an open relationship?” I explained that no, cuckolding meant that only the female partner has sex with others, while the male partner knows this and even encourages it. I encouraged him a bit, tentatively saying that it’d be hot, and it fits in the Domme/sub paradigm. Seen that way, it seemed to appeal to him.

But then I realized it wasn’t really a good idea. Not now, anyway. We aren’t on solid enough grounds, we aren’t good enough yet at communicating. We’d have to talk about it quite a bit, I’d say. And the thing is, if I’m not satisfied with our sex life, I don’t think sleeping around is a good idea at all. I believe it should be an enhancement to our sexuality, not a replacement or fix. Like I said, solid grounds… Otherwise, it would be too dangerous to our relationship.

There’s also the fact that I feel a little bad/guilty about it because of how unfair it might seen, especially knowing that Boy Toy believes in *open* relationships. Yet fair or not,  I know for a fact that I couldn’t bear with the idea of him sleeping with someone else. I’m wayy too insecure for that. I have issues with whether he likes hanging out with his friends more than with me, so imagine if he slept around! Obviously not a good idea. Not now, anyway. We have a few kinks to work out (excuse the pun), first.

Despite this, I do find the idea really hot and it is not impossible at all that we explore it in the future. I’ve already kissed another man, right in front of Boy Toy to boot. He didn’t mind at all

What’s interesting is that according to Wikipedia, there is a biological origin for the fetish of cuckolding:

“The excitement and stimulation of the cuckolding fetish emerges from the biology of sexuality and the effects of sexual arousal on the brain. When a male believes that his female mate may have been sexual with another male, the male mate is prompted by biological urges to copulate with the female, in an effort to “compete” with the other males’ sperm. The effects of sperm competition are well documented. Further, when initiating sex, the male mate thrusts harder, deeper and longer, in efforts to remove the sperm of the other male, and is biologically driven to have sex multiple times. While he may be unable to have sex more than once under usual circumstances, the cuckolded male is prone to repeated sexual efforts. Meanwhile, the wife enjoys greater sexual stimulation, first by her other male lover and second by her cuckolded husband. In addition, the wife enjoys the neurochemical “highs” triggered by entering into a romantic or physical relationship with another lover. These highs include the effects of oxytocin and other neurochemicals which trigger excitement, euphoria and other feelings common to the beginnings of romantic relationships. These neurochemicals change over time, and as a relationship persists, with neurochemicals changing to ones that promote bonding, planning and nurturing. When a wife takes a new lover, she triggers the neurochemicals of a new relationship, bringing home excitement to her husband.”

How fascinating is that?

The good news for Boy Toy and I in all this is that we got to talk about our sex life and we decided we will make more efforts to bring it back to life, so to speak. The other good news is that while talking about this, he started going on about how “just sex” isn’t that interesting to him, that he likes kinky stuff, etc., which surprised me in a way because of the break from kink he had asked for… When I reminded him of this, he said that he thought he had told me he was ready to start again. No, he hadn’t, but I’m happy to know it now  *evil grin*

What’s more, we now have something new to fantasize about. In fact, last night I dreamed I was meeting another man during my lunch hour, for sex. The details are blurry, but I remember getting into the restaurant and realizing there were all these people I know. He finally showed up and sat with me, and the people sitting behind him were a friend of mine and… an ex of his! So we left to find a hotel, and that’s about as much as I remember.

Oh, hi there! Yeah, I’m still alive. There just hasn’t been much going on kink-wise these days, so I have trouble finding things to blog about. I don’t really want to get political (I’ve always avoided politics anyway). I could probably start a food blog with all the cooking that goes on in this house, but yeah, that’d have to be a different blog. Or would it? Does kink go well with food?

Anyway, things have been allright. I’ve been keeping busy, as usual. The days are definitely too short! I guess that explains in part the lack of blogging. And yeah, there’s also the lack of kinky sex. There’s been sex, though. But winter’s taking its toll and neither of us are feeling especially naughty. Perhaps I just need to take the initiative. Hmm, maybe…

Boy Toy has been having a few kinky dreams. I might get around to posting them, if he gets around to writing them down. It’s intriguing, how he seems a little more attentive after such a dream. How cute is that?

In other news, I had an interesting time at a friend’s house party recently. Someone made a play-flogger and we all took turns flogging each other’s ass. And no, they’re not kinky. Well, not that I know of. We did talk about pain in a sexual context, a little later on. One of my friends thinks that to enjoy pain sexually, you must have had some sort of traumatic experience as a kid. She thinks the whole concept of sado-masochism is unhealthy. A couple of us argued that if it’s consensual, then there is nothing unhealthy there. Perhaps it is caused by some sort of experience as a child, but maybe not. We’re all different.

As I was typing the previous paragraph, I decided to Google “cause of masochism” and the first result brings you to the Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders. Mental disorder? Really? I’m not off to a good start! In any case, this is what they say in regards to cause:

There is no universally accepted cause or theory explaining the origin of sexual masochism, or sadomasochism in general. However, there are some theories that attempt to explain the presence of sexual paraphilias in general. One theory is based on learning theory that paraphilias originate because inappropriate sexual fantasies are suppressed. Because they are not acted upon initially, the urge to carry out the fantasies increases and when they are finally acted upon, a person is in a state of considerable distress and/or arousal. In the case of sexual masochism, masochistic behavior becomes associated with and inextricably linked to sexual behavior.

There is also a belief that masochistic individuals truly want to be in the dominating role. This causes them to become conflicted and thus submissive to others.

Another theory suggests that people seek out sadomasochistic behavior as a means of escape. They get to act out fantasies and become new and different people.

Interesting. And interesting how the text uses terms such as “diagnosis”, “treatments”, “symptoms”… One would think masochism isn’t normal!

I think the smartest thing in the article is this: “Because it is sometimes unclear whether sadomasochistic behavior is within the realm of normal experimentation or indicative of a diagnosis of sexual masochism, prevention is a tricky issue.”

What are your thoughts?

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Edit: I should have read more before posting… The article does differentiate between “problematic” masochism and normal sexual experimentation:

The diagnostic criteria also require that the person has experienced significant distress or impairment because of these behaviors, urges, or fantasies. The distress and impairment can be present in social, occupational, or other functioning.

Sexual masochism must be differentiated from normal sexual arousal, behavior, and experimentation. It should also be differentiated from sadomasochistic behavior involving mild pain and/or the simulation of more dangerous pain. When this is the case, a diagnosis of sexual masochism is not necessarily warranted.

I was surfing the net last week, looking for relationship advice (yes, I know, lame… but sometimes when I feel bad reading that kind of stuff helps me with the introspection part and makes me feel a little better, go figure). One of the search results in Google caught my eye; the title was so ludicrous I just had to check it out.

How to Actually Get Your Boyfriend to Propose to You

Steps

1. Don’t mention marriage. Don’t mention weddings. Don’t mention babies. Even if you’re one of those people who is crazy about all that stuff, avoid bringing up the subject if possible.

2. If a wedding comes on TV, switch channels/yawn/talk over the top about something completely irrelevant. If it’s a film (eg. Four Weddings and a Funeral), just say something like “Andie MacDowell’s pretty ugly, don’t you think?” Whatever. Just don’t talk about centrepieces or how sad/sweet it all is.

3. If you go to a wedding together don’t comment on how beautiful it all is. As far as he’s concerned you hate it. “The food’s crap, the venue’s awkward for everyone & the whole thing is sooo pointless & tedious. God, you won’t ever make me do this, will you?!” You say to your boyfriend, before leaving & preferably having some mindblowing sex & leaving before he wakes up.

4. If some friends get engaged & they tell you before him, wait for them to tell him. Don’t dignify the engagement & make it seem like a big deal to you (even if it is) by going to the effort of telling him about it before they have the chance. When he finds out he’ll probably mention it to you, you can be like “Oh yeah, they already told me. God, they’re great together now, but how will they cope? I feel so sorry for people being stuck with someone for the rest of their lives…” Then change the subject before he can reply.

5. As above make him think you feel sorry for married couples. Let him over hear a conversation or you on the phone to a friend “When I saw John & Lisa today they looked miserable. Miserable & bored. I guess the honeymoon period’s worn off…” & even louder “Seriously, who wants to sleep with one person for the rest of your life? Sheesh.”

6. If he wants you to meet his parents, he asks you to meet his parents. If he wants to meet your parents, he suggests he meets your parents. You don’t arrange these things. The most you can do is pick a weekend you know he’s not busy & say “My parent’s wanted us over this weekend but I told them you were busy. I thought I’d save you the hassle.” Before he can ask change the subject/leave the room. Leave the thought lingering in his mind. He needs to know it’s something he has to work for.

7. If you get invited somewhere his friends/family aren’t going, don’t invite him. Don’t even mention it. Mention it at the last possible moment you can, if you have to. Even better mention it after it’s happened. If he asks why you didn’t tell/invite him you say “Well, I didn’t think you’d be interested…”

8. Don’t go on holiday with him, unless he invites you & organizes it all. If you want to go on holiday, invite your friends, not him. Even if you have a really crappy time crying in your hotel room & saying how much you love him & miss him- he won’t find out. You won’t let him. He will think you’ve had a great time without him & you tell him not to worry – you won’t ‘bore him with details’.

9. Make plans that don’t involve him. Limit the time you spend with him. If you’re bored at home & he invites you over, say your ‘busy’ or ’sick’. You can’t. He can be bored & miss you instead. The times you do go over his it’s because you’re ‘not working’ or ‘just about made it over’. Have as much fun & sex as possible. He’ll miss you more when your not around.

10. Don’t live with him. If you do, move out. NOW. Use any excuse you have to. Your mother’s sick, you need space, you need to be closer to work. Doesn’t matter. Do it.

11. Don’t have sex at yours. Have sex at his. Good sex. Fulfill his fantasies, don’t squirm when he suggests you watch porn together & don’t start rambling on about how much you love him afterwards. Just sigh sexily (sighing is different to groaning I might add) & curl up asleep next to him.

12. Try to leave as early as possible in the mornings. Make excuses. If you do stay a little longer, don’t hassle him. Make him breakfast, affectionately kiss him but don’t talk to him unless he talks to you.

13. Don’t leave your stuff at his. If you’re going to leave anything, I’d recommend ‘accidentally’ leaving a soft scarf or jumper on the bed or sofa. You should make sure it smells of that perfume you always wear too. Something delicate but sexy. Think something like Tommy Hilfiger Dreaming, not Dior Poison. Get it?

14. Don’t ever move things around at his place or complain about how he lives/behaves. No-one likes a nagger.

15. This step is vital. After you’ve been living apart for a while & you’re sure he’s hooked on you, tell him you need to stay at his for a week: Your boiler’s broken, your apartment’s being painted, your long lost cousin needs somewhere to stay etc. You DON’T bring all your stuff. You bring the bare essentials. You keep his bathroom clean & uncluttered. Same for his kitchen. You do this without mentioning it. Then you treat him like a God. You kiss him, cuddle him, go down on him & have great sex all the time. You don’t nag him. You don’t ask him where he’s going at night, what time he’ll be in, whatever. You make him snacks & tasty food & completely fill up his refrigerator. You DON’T try to give him pea flavoured lentil mush & pumpkin seeds. You make & buy MAN FOOD; Pizza, Steak, Bacon & family size packs of Doritos & Snickers. Whatever he likes, you eat with no complaint, no matter what diet your on. You watch whatever he likes on TV; Football, Golf, Top-gear, The Sopranos… & you don’t complain when you miss an episode of Friends or Desperate Housewives. EVER. You still go out all the time, even if this involves driving around the block 50 times pretending you’re at your friend’s. You don’t have your girlfriends over & you have them ring your mobile/cell – NOT his house-phone. Encourage him to go out while you stay home & have a bath. You might suggest he have his guy friends over to watch football, while you go out shopping, does he want anything from the store?… Get the idea? Then before the week is even up you leave. You tell him everything is sorted & you’re going home. Leave while he’s out at work/with his friends too. Turn off the heating, turn off the lights, empty the refrigerator & leave a note saying you had fun & you’ll see him next week.

16. Distance yourself a little over the following month, but be super sexy & glamourous when you do meet up. You could even drop into conversation how you’re surprised one of your married girlfriends said no to her husband’s suggestion of having a threesome or subscribing to a porn channel. I give him a week or two after that & if he still isn’t down on one knee proposing then he’s obviously hopeless. Move on. It’ll work on someone.

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What’s there to say? This is so completely opposite to anything I believe in, I don’t even know where to begin. Imagine the poor little innocent girl (because I think you have to be a poor little innocent girl to believe any of this crap) finally getting her guy, if this even “works”. What then? Once she’s got him where she wants and they are maried, she can finally be herself, right? I bet that’d be a happy mariage!

Actually, it’s probably a joke. I hope it is. It was on wikiHow and it looks like the articles can be edited by anyone. It ends with some tips and warnings:

Tips

• Don’t be clingy. Don’t be all lovey-dovey either.
• Don’t ask him how you look. Self obsessiveness is unattractive.
• If he compliments you, don’t agree or put yourself down. Just call him cheeky or ask jokingly what he’s after.
• Don’t nag. Don’t bitch. Be nice. Who want’s to marry someone that isn’t nice?
• Don’t dress up loads for him, but don’t turn up anywhere with greasy hair & hairy armpits.
• Don’t use his razors, hair gel, cosmetics etc. You can do annoying things like that after you’re married.
• Have fun & have a sense of humour. No-one wants to marry a square.

Warnings

• It’s advisable not to try this with someone you’ve been seeing for less than 6 months.
• Don’t expect him to succumb right away. Be patient but know where to draw the line.
• Don’t let him take you for granted & don’t be a doormat. If this seems to be happening break things right off.
• Don’t settle down with this guy if you think there’s any chance he could be dishonest or unfaithful.
• Be sure you want to marry him.
• This might backfire and he might leave.

The last warning seems particularly useful.

We’re just a week into 2010 and I wanted to talk about my “almost” resolution to start exploring sex and kink with my boy again. I had the same idea last year, though I don’t have much to show for it; our explorations have slowed down to a crawl. Besides, I don’t do the “resolution” thing (which explains the “almost”). Although I might want to reduce the drinking a little. Not stop, mind you. Just not drink as much when I do drink.

But anyway… I think I kinda got lost along the way. Earlier this week, I wrote about some of the things I’ve realized of late, things that just go to show how lost I was relationship-wise. I feel much more grounded these days. Perhaps there are still issues to look into, but I don’t feel so worried over everything. Whatever issue I gotta work on, I’m not so worried about because I know it’ll be OK, with time. Much progress.

I’m thinking our sex life followed the same path, in large part because sex reflects the health of a relationship. But I also think I was going at our D/s games from the wrong angle. Perhaps I wanted to please Boy Toy too much and I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off. I think I kinda felt like I HAD to be kinky. I mean, I always had fun with all our games, and I’m not saying I didn’t actually like any of it, but maybe sometimes it was a little empty or even a little forced, on my side. Maybe that’s why Boy Toy doesn’t seem all that interested these days. Or maybe, like he says, it’s just winter getting to him.

What I think this actually means is I failed at introspection. “I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off” is the key, here. Looking back, I know many (most) things we did turned me on. I remember when I first locked Boy Toy in a chastity device. It got me wet. And dominating him has often created a noticeable, quite pleasing, throbbing down there… So maybe “empty” and “forced” are too strong here, maybe what I meant was “not well thought out”. I know I liked it, but I don’t know exactly what I liked.

I’ve therefore decided that along with finding myself, I will also work on exploring and understanding my kinks. That sounds like fun… If only I knew how to go about it! I guess that’s also part of the fun

I do know the first step: talk more with Boy Toy. I often feel like he’s not interested in sex and like he doesn’t find me sexy. Nothing to help me want to be kinky… These are probably my own interpretations, and asking him what he actually thinks should help straighten things out. Understanding what goes on in that head of his, what turns him on, what happens when he doesn’t feel like it, should all help me know when and how to approach him and how to take his refusals. Phew!

I do have a few ideas of things I want to get into with Boy Toy. There are beginnings of naughty scenarios in my head… I just have a hard time finishing said scenarios and putting them into action! For instance, I gave him an assignment a couple of months ago:

“Here’s an assignment for you: you are to find a theme for some sexy time together. What I do with the theme is up to me, but you must provide it. If this isn’t clear enough, think about that time I dressed as a sexy policewoman and arrested and questioned you… That would have been my take on the “police” theme.”

He came up with “renovation project” or “home repair guy”. I had beginning of ideas, started to work on something, and… stalled. I still intend on doing it, I just need to figure out WHAT I’ll do to him! Any ideas, anyone? Think “dominatrix needs a handyman” and what she’d do to said handyman if she found him to her liking…

Also, I watched Secretary the other day. I had never seen it before, and I quite enjoyed it. While watching it, I couldn’t help but think that had it been just 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have understood this movie and would have probably thought it fucked up. Funny, how things change! I’m wondering if I shouldn’t recommend it to a non-kinky friend or co-worker, just to see their reaction? *evil grin*

To be honest, I was fascinated by this movie. Very interesting to see the characters’ evolution, and very intriguing also. I gather that the girl never really knew about D/s but what about the guy? I’m not sure what his history was. There must be tons of analysis of this movie online and when I have a bit more time, I’ll check them out. Very curious!

The movie was inspiring, too. After I finished watching it, I couldn’t help but think of things I could do to Boy Toy. I envisionned myself tying him up to a chair and stuffing my underwear in his mouth for a gag. Hmmm… And maybe he needs more rules around this house. Kneel and kiss my feet when I come home from work? Sweep the floor every day? It sure would be nice to have a cleaner house… lol

I need to think about this more. What effect would such rules have on him, and which ones do *I* actually want? Which ones would turn me on? Boy Toy always counters with “It becomes a chore if it’s routine.” Is that really true of everything, and if so, how to get around it? I think I like the idea of a routine much more than he does. I liked it when he knelt in front of me to smoke. I miss it. Perhaps it’d make it hot to him if he knew I insist on it and it pleases me? More things to think about and discuss with him…

I feel like I’m back at square one. I’ve explored kink, now I’m about to start exploring ME.

I’ve been meaning to post an actual update for quite a while, but with the Holidays and all, I barely managed to do even HNT. I’ll do my best tonight, even though I’m close to falling asleep as I type this.

So, what’s new in Elle’s world? Not much, really. Well, there isn’t much new in terms of events, but things have been buzzing in my little head. As I’ve mentioned a while back, I sought help to try and untangle the insecure mess I’d become. My therapist asked many good questions and raised several issues, and so far, I’d say it’s helped tremendously. It seems a little strange to me, to say it helped so much after only a few sessions. But the truth is, I feel generally more relaxed and grounded. I have my bouts of insecurity, true, but I don’t seem to throw them at Boy Toy so much, relying on him to make me feel better. Instead, it seems I recognize my insecurity for what it is and sort of wait it out. I usually feel better soon enough. Hell, half the time, PMS is probably to blame! Damn hormones.

I’ve been feeling much more at peace because I realized that I don’t have so much work to do on myself. Not that I’m perfect, quite the contrary. It’s just that whenever an issue would come up between Boy Toy and I, something he didn’t like or agree with, I took it upon myself to try and change that part of me which conflicted with him/us. For instance, if I wanted more affection and we had an argument when I mentioned it, I’d start thinking I had to stop wanting affection so much, that it was somehow bad to want it so much, since it meant I’m too dependent. Plus, it caused problems in my relationship. This is just an example, but I’m sure you can well imagine that after a while, I felt like I had this huge weight on my shoulders. There was so much I needed to change about myself!

Eventually, I started feeling resentful towards Boy Toy and I started demanding that he make some efforts, too. If I had so much “work” to do, then it was only fair that he also work hard at this relationship, right? I don’t think I really knew what I wanted or needed so I just threw any and all demands his way. It didn’t make much sense, and Boy Toy usually seemed quite overwhelmed by my demands. When he wasn’t too overwhelmed and tried to do as I asked, it didn’t really make anything better.

Tensions rose until we nearly broke. There were other factors too, I imagine, but right now I think what I just described was the main problem. Perhaps I’ll have a different theory next week…

I’ve come to this conclusion while I was away, working with the tidbits I’d gathered from my sessions with my therapist. When I came back home, I told Boy Toy that from now on, I would not be backing out of my needs and wants. However, I insisted that this did not mean he was obligated to fulfill them. That was part of the problem before: if I said I wanted more affection, he immediately wondered at how much to give versus how much he already gave and he felt discouraged, and probably inadequate. I’m only guessing about his feelings here, but it seems to make sense.

With this in mind, I think Boy Toy has to remember that it’s OK to not give me everything I ask for. He has to realize that when I do ask for something, I’m just communicating. I’m telling him about how I feel and he is free to do what he wants with what I’ve told him. There should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on his part if he can’t fulfill all of my needs. And there should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on my part for wanting the things I want.

Sounds much more simple and healthy, no?

There are other things I need to work on, such as how to express what I want and need, but this right here certainly seems like the biggest piece of the puzzle – and with it in place, we can now work on having more kinky sex.

Time for bed?