Things have barely started to settle down and all of a sudden, I find myself thinking kink. I miss it! Sometimes I wish I could start over, with BT. Do the exploration part all over again - that was fun! As it is, things have stalled. Insecurity has gotten the best of me, and I wish it hadn't. I feel eager to continue exploring, but it's as if I don't know where to start or how to go about it. I can feel self-confident... if I know what I'm doing. Maybe this relationship crisis will bring us to a new starting point, and we can begin the dirty stuff anew. Or maybe I should just study. I even suggested kinky classes to BT, tonight. Well, I just brought up the idea. He didn't say anything... I'll take that as a yes? *evil grin* Seriously though, I would love to feel like I know what I'm doing, be self-confident enough to play with my dominant side. I know it's there. Or if not dominant, at least, very playful! I've been reading blogs, books... yet seems to me like I'm still far, far from being an expert. What about you? How did you learn? What was the biggest help? I have a partner who could teach me a lot but we never seem to get the conversation going. Could be that I don't know how to get him to talk. So tips about starting that kind of conversation would be great, too! Anyone?

You probably guess, from this post's title, that we weathered this storm, just like we weathered all the others before. But I have to say, this one was probably the worse yet. It's a bit hard to write about it. I was really, really scared I had lost him and I am still reeling from it all. He was so very angry. He said he wasn't, but it sure felt like anger on this end. He slept on the couch for days. At first, I didn't understand what was really frustrating him, what was making him avoid me and act so cold. When I wrote my post last week, I didn't understand yet. I was so focused on MY upset feelings, and it shows in what I wrote. Then it finally sank in. He's not happy with the way things are. Not happy at all. He must have let it all bottle up for a good long while because it was quite the explosion! Something in the comments I received from my last post made me start looking at things from another perspective, someone asking if I was tending to his needs. It made me think about how he must be feeling. It's all a big vicious circle, really. And I believe that at the basis of it is my insecurity. Fear. If your girlfriend constantly doubted you love her, how would it make you feel? Not only that, I became the girlfriend that nags. It didn't feel like nagging on my end, I was reacting to what I was feeling, but yeah, I can see how it must have been for him. He says I was staying with him not for him, but for who I believed he could become. Doesn't everybody know you shouldn't try to change your mate? I didn't realize I was doing it. I just felt upset and I wanted something done about it! I finally realized that the only one who could do something about it is me. Now before you all start telling me how one-sided this is and how it can't all be my fault... I know. But I can't just blame it all on him. Too easy. It's sort of what I was doing, you see? Besides, I only have control over myself, therefore I will concentrate on working on my issues. I have to trust that he will take care of his own. It'll take some work, obviously. And I have to admit I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I think the first step is to decide to be with him for who he is. Accept and appreciate him completely. He will not become more affectionate, more understanding, more curious about my feelings, or more anything else. Well, he might, but on his own terms. I cannot make him. So I have to stop looking for more and start appreciating what he has to give, when he has it to give. Period. If it turns out it's not enough, then I leave. That said, I think it IS enough. I just kept looking for more because I was afraid he didn't care or something. It is my opinion that when I stop doubting and fearing, I will be happier. BT will be happier. We will communicate better, feel closer, more connected, there will be more affection, more sex... Fix the problems at the very basis and the rest should follow. And there you have it, an entirely too personal blog post. But writing things down helps me think them through and I have a hard time writing for no reason. BT, if you read this, I love you.

So BT and I aren't doing all that well. In fact, one of the last things he said to me was that he couldn't continue like this. "Not doing that well" might be an understatement. It happens every time I'm upset. Yesterday, it was because I started writing this blog post. It was a different post, then. It was going to be about how little sex we have, how it scares me. How I'm afraid that not doing any kink with him will make his interest drift away... I started writing about how I am afraid that the lack of sex is a symptom of our relationship being in trouble, or that he doesn't find me desirable. I wrote about three lines, then I ended up feeling so sad I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want him to see me cry, but he did and asked me what was up. I didn't answer though, couldn't find it in me. If I did, we'd fight... And I felt so bad! How many times have I told him that the lack of sex, the lack of intimacy, is killing me? When I do, he says "Ok, we'll have more sex!" But then... nothing happens. Nothing. I feel like he is mocking me: "Yeah, it bothers you, but so what?" He just tells me we'll do more of it to shut me up, to humor me, but he doesn't care about how I feel so he does nothing. It's hard not to start thinking that way, when something important to you seems to just be ignored by your significant other, even after talking about it several times. I don't really know what's really going on in his head, but what I do know is that it really hurts me. It's not so much the sex as the connection it creates, the feeling of closeness. I need the intimacy and the affection to feel good in my relationship. When I finally got around to try and tell him, it turned horrible. He ended up admitting that he doesn't seem to know whether he loves me or not, he says he's been trying to figure that out. I was so upset, I wanted to know what I am to him, and in the end, I pushed too hard, he said he couldn't do it this way. I want answers now but he can't give them to me now. Then he was so angry. I didn't manage to get anything else out of him last night, he was just too angry. I admit that I don't really know why he was so angry. I mean, I know I pushed, I know I said mean, hurtful things to try and get a reaction out of him, because I can't take his seeming lack of emotions. But if I said I really understand why he's angry, I'd be lying. Now I'm home, he's not here, and I don't know if this is really the end or not. I don't know, because similar scenarios have happened before. We've said we should break up so many times... The worse part is, our day-to-day life together is great. We're very good at just doing things together. I mean, I love even grocery shopping, with him. But if I'm upset with him for any reason, it turns to hell. I am not sure if I ask too much or expect too much of him, or if he just lacks empathy. One thing is for sure, if I am sad or upset, he is often cold or angry and that, I simply cannot deal with. To me, it seems only natural that if I'm upset, I want him to take me in his arms and comfort me. But him, if he believes I'm upset with him, he cannot do it. And I can't help wondering, is it normal, that my boyfriend does not hug me when I cry? I guess that fear is my worst enemy here. His lack of reaction makes me fear that he doesn't care. I often fear that he doesn't love me, or that I am more engaged in this relationship than he is. Fear is what makes me freak out at him, trying to get something, anything, out of him. Fear is what keeps me from being able to talk with him and understand what's happening.  Fear makes me upset, and as long as I'm upset, it's no use trying to reason with me. He is reason, so we do not speak the same language. I can't help but feel that if he took care of my feelings, then we could talk reasonably... I hope I am not making him sound like the bad guy. It's not my goal, especially not on a blog that I know he might read, and even if he didn't know the blog even existed. I guess I just needed to get some of it out of my system. I want to write him, but I'm not sure what to write yet. I don't know if this can be fixed, and I don't know yet if I even want to, I feel so hurt and discouraged. And oh, yeah. I am totally PMS-ing. Perhaps the Bene Gesserit had it wrong: fear is not the mind-killer, PMS is the relationship-killer.

When it comes to dealing with emotions, it seems like BT and I are two opposite extremes. My emotions can get pretty intense and what I feel comes out in words almost instantly. BT keeps it to himself, he'll hole up to think things through and then never mentions any of his conclusions. Sometimes I realize something I said hurt his feelings because 2 weeks later, he'll mention my comment offhandedly. That usually means it struck a sensitive chord. It's all classic Mars vs Venus stuff, really. I've mentioned it before, several times I'm sure, how these differences also interfere with our sex life, more specifically with the kinky stuff. Hell, a quick search and I found that I talked about it as far back as a year ago, in a post called Kinky sex, emotions and stuff. A year later, some things are still the same, some things have evolved. For instance, when I said:

I don’t know how to go about it, and I’m afraid he’ll say no. So fear of rejection. Have I ever mentioned that insecurity and domination don’t really go together?

Yeah, that's still pretty true. I am still hesitant about how to bring things up, and I am still scared he'll say no. Last weekend, for example. When we showered together, I made him cum but he didn't return the favor. Later that day, he was upstairs and I was downstairs so I went to talk to him on MSN. I told him I was going for a nap and I was thinking of bringing my little bullet vibe with me. He said "Hmmm, lucky vibe!" I replied that it was HIS job, really. Was he coming for a nap? His response? No, because he wanted to go jogging. That... hurt. I mean, he couldn't postpone his running for half an hour, or just the few minutes he'd need to get me off? Humph. I think a year ago, even a few months ago, I would have made a pretty big deal out of it. In last year's post, I wrote:

What’s certainly not helping is the poor control I have over my emotions. I’ve mentioned this before: I feel, I react. When I feel something, it just overwhelms me and I can’t get over it. So if Boy Toy doesn’t seem interested in playing, for example, and it makes me feel unwanted, I get stuck on that feeling. Unfortunately, I have a hard time going deeper than that first emotion. It stops right there, there’s no further introspection.

I'm still quite reactive, but I am much better at letting go of things, I believe. Not always, but generally speaking, yes. Last weekend, after BT's rejection, I went downstairs for my nap. For a little while I alternated between crying and being angry. Then I took out the vibe and gave myself 3 or 4 orgasms. I felt much better. I told myself that he didn't HAVE to feel like it right then and there. I did mention my disappointment when we spoke later, but I didn't go on and on about it and it didn't turn into a huge fight. Phew! The next day, we talked some more. He told me that he's been hesitant about doing kinky stuff because of how emotions get mixed up in there. He's afraid that I use domination to get the emotional comfort I need. For example, if I find we're not spending enough time together, I might make him be my slave to fix that. I understand exactly where he's coming from; I'm afraid of the same thing. I admit I've found myself fighting this temptation in the past. But "fighting" is the key word here; no matter how tempting it might be, my instincts tell me I don't want to go down that path. BT voicing his opinion about it only proved that I was right. So, we know what not to do, but because I - we - am not sure how not to do it, it's making us both hesitant to venture back into kink. I guess that knowledge is progress, though. I have an idea or two. I talked to him about having rules again, and he said maybe I could give him a few to try out for a month or so. So I gotta think about that. Find something I'd like to try on him. Also, I can try to limit the kink to just sessions, rather than going into the more 24/7-ish D/s stuff. Speaking of trying things, I've been typing this wearing black thigh-high socks, boy-shorts and a tank top. I waited until BT was gone jogging to get changed. When he got back and noticed, he asked what was up with all the sexy stuff, and I told him it's just how I'm dressed. He's cooking supper right now, so I better go. We'll see how this works out.

Buy Clomid Without A Prescription, Well, hello there, and welcome to Kink Unleashed. This is my 313th post, Is clomid dangerous, it's my blog's 2 year anniversary, so I thought I’d tell you a little about what I wanted this blog to be, what it has become and how things have evolved in the last two years, ovulating on clomid. If you have been following me for a while, Using expired clomid steroids, you know that I’ve been exploring the exciting world of kink ever since I met my Boy Toy about three years ago. In that time, many things have changed in my perception of sex, clomid twins nursing journals, relationships, Is clomid from trusted tablet reliable, life in general...

When I started this blog, I had grand visions of posting every day or almost every day, clomid affects on appettite, of having lots of kinky sex and telling you all about it. I thought I'd have a gazillion readers who would hang on my every naughty word, Buy Clomid Without A Prescription. Clomid stay in system, And I thought I'd be a great sex blogger, that I'd write wonderfully. It was an exciting adventure to embark on, clomid miscarriage pcos.

Ok, Clomid 200, maybe I knew I couldn't keep up with writing every day, and I was aware I might not get THAT many readers, but my expectations where high, clomid 2f body building. They have somewhat lessened over the last two years; I am not always in the mood to write, 3 tabletten clomid gevaren, and we have too little kinky sex to feed this blog so much material. Buy Clomid Without A Prescription, I've found my writing to be OK, but have read so many other great bloggers who write so much better than I. And for the curious, in two years, clomid pcos, this blog got 93, Clomid order online, 282 visits from 55,341 unique visitors. Not exactly a gazillion, clomid day 3 vs day 5.

These days, Herbal clomid, I don't write very much at all and half the time, I feel guilty about that. I've wondered if I shouldn't just quit blogging, clomid labs. Yet I keep at it, thinking that our sex life will pick up, that I'll feel inspired, Buy Clomid Without A Prescription. I have a sort of sentimental attachment to this blog, Clomid for research, it's seen so many of my sexual first times, I've written so many intimate details and thoughts here... No, clomid breast feeding, I don't want to close it down. Cycle length clomid, I do want to write more, though. And I admit it: whenever BT and I do anything naughty, natural alternatives to clomid, I'm happy that I'll finally have something to blog about... lol

In my very first post, I mentioned that I had lived many sexual first times with BT and that it made me realize I wasn't as open-minded about sex as I thought I was. Conception on 4th cycle on clomid, I still think this is true, that I'm more knowledgeable and opened-minded about sex, kink, clomid for males, BDSM, Clomid ttc over 45, Ds, etc. However, cervical mucus clomid, we seem to explore less than we used to. Cervical position while taking clomid, Too many things have interfered. Mostly, I think I'd say I've become more emotionally involved which, sadly, makes me more emotionally insecure and THAT doesn't mix well with kink. In my experience and opinion, anyway, Buy Clomid Without A Prescription. After all, I can't really be dominating him and ask him how I'm doing or worry about my performance. I can't do it because I'm angry at him, or let any such emotion taint how I act towards him in a power exchange context. In short, it was less complicated when it was shiny and new and exciting and I wasn't so hung up on making our relationship "work".

I keep thinking that this is just a phase and we will get back to doing as much kink as before, but I don't really know. Buy Clomid Without A Prescription, I think we DO get along better these days, we're making slow progress towards understanding each other better... I guess it's promising.

I've also considered changing BT's name here. I've been calling him "BT" of late, short for "Boy Toy". Mostly because I feel the name sounds a little lame. But the truth is, it comes from a Lords of Acid song, where they sing about young boys and wanting to make them their toys.., Buy Clomid Without A Prescription. When I first met Boy Toy I'd often call him "Mister" and one day, he told me he didn't like that, made him feel old. So I jokingly said I'd call him Boy Toy instead, and the nickname stuck. It sounds a little better when you know the story behind it, I guess.

So there you have it. My blog is 2 years old. And despite the less frequent writing these days, I do hope I will stick with it for many more years..

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Where Can I Buy Clomid, What to say, what to say... Clomid affect ovulation predictor, Pretty excited about a few upcoming trips. Only one of those will be with BT, cramping clomid, Dr hilgers prescribes clomid, but that's perfectly fine.

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Sometimes my morning coffee leaves me almost bouncing with energy and wanting to do everything Clomid Over The Counter, . Every morning this week was kind of like that, except a little sleepy and dreamy at the same time because there is not enough time between the moment I wake up and the moment I'm on my way to work (I just refuse to get up any earlier). Bodybuilding clomid, While on the bus, my mind wandered and most often went to kink. For some reason, I just felt like doing all sorts of kinky things, cd 20 on clomid. All of a sudden, I really wanted to go to a fetish ball, Clomid cod, and REALLY dress up for it. I kept imagining how I'd come up with something amazingly sexy to wear and how it would be fun to let go of all inhibitions and be my sexual self for one night, Clomid Over The Counter. I hear there's one such event coming up. Hmmm.

Then one day last week, unprescribed clomid twins, I'm at work and thinking of all the things I could do to BT. I open a new email, Prise de clomid proviron nolvadex, put in his address and my mind's practically gushing with all I want to write about getting into kink again, enforcing new rules, etc., etc., clomid for progesterone, etc. Clomid Over The Counter, But all I write, after posting him a link to some iPhone 4 review, is "BTW, I want you to be naked tonight when I get home."

He replies with his usual virtual blushes and his "Really. Do I have to?" Yes, Clomid low progesterone levels, I tell him. I get home around 5PM. Make sure it is so.

On the way home from work, clomid com, I keep reminding myself that he will be naked. I tell myself that for a sub, there is probably nothing worse than being ordered to do something and then be disregarded or forgotten, Clomid Over The Counter. I want this to feel good for him. Fertility drugs clomid family, I imagine how it will be when I arrive. I picture where he will be. Probably sitting on the couch. Clomid Over The Counter, I'll walk in, look him up and down once and tell him "Stay there." I'll go to the washroom, come back out and pick up a fruit and eat it while watching him just standing there, naked.

I finally get home, clomid drug fertility. I walk in and... he's not on the couch or anywhere near like I thought he'd be, Buy clomid in japan, he's upstairs in his little office. Humph. My carefully planned arrival's ruined and I'm not sure what to do, Clomid Over The Counter. I call out and tell him to come downstairs. When he does, clomid ovarian dysfunction, I say "From now on, if I tell you to be naked when I come back home from work, Clomid with hcg injections, you wait for me here." Then I go to the washroom. I come back out and point to the couch. He's a good boy, he understands immediately what I want from him and goes to kneel there, clomid day 3-7 or 5-9. Clomid Over The Counter, I grab an orange, peel it and sit down in front of him. I eat it slowly, savoring it, Clomid with fsh of 40, admiring him. I ask him what he has to do tonight and when he figured he'd do it: I've learned. I can't just be the domme and have him drop everything, it doesn't work that way with him, quads unprescribed clomid. It's how I used to think it should be, if I'm the domme then when I decide he's mine, Coming clomid, he should be mine. I now know that I can't just ignore the other stuff he had planned, or he'll resist and I'll feel bad, Clomid Over The Counter.

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I have an idea: he should lick his sperm off me. He's never done this for me, I'm not sure he'll do it. But I try, I point to a spot of white goo on my thigh and I say "Lick it." He immediately shies away. "But I just came... I don't feel like it." I don't want to give up too easily so I forcefully repeat "Lick it." and push his head down towards what he left on me. Surprisingly, he complies and licks it off me. A first..

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Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription, I was walking down the street with BT when he spotted this skirt in a shop window. Diazepam torbugesic, Short, asymmetric and black, diazepam 32, Diazepam synthesis, with grommets. Walked in, buy cheap diazepam, Diazepam drug strengths oral, tried it on, bought it, diazepam halflife. Diazepam $1, Absolutely sexy.

Later on we were about to make supper, plant derivative for diazepam. I had gotten us duck and a good bottle of wine, Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription. Diazepam adminstration via et, He asked if I would be wearing my skirt, so I put it on, storage of diazepam. Buying diazepam in india no prescription, I decided to go commando.

Vixen had an interesting post about not wearing underwear recently, diazepam narcotic, False diazepam drug tests, you should check it out. For me, valium diazepam apaurin, Diazepam oxycodone, the funny thing about going commando is that I will only do it if he finds it sexy, if it turns him on, hiccups from diazepam. Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription, Otherwise, I'll wear my panties, since I'm more comfortable that way. Dantrolene diazepam, Problem is, it bothers him to know I do something only if he finds it sexy, insulfation diazepam. Urinary diazepam prazosin, I don't really get it, I don't see what the problem could be, photo of diazepam 2 mg. Diazepam prescription, The idea is to tease him. I want to get a reaction out of him, ardin diazepam, Pudendal neuropathy diazepam, and I want to see this reaction. I want to walk around with him following helplessly because he knows how tantalizingly easy it would be to just reach under that short skirt and touch me, Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription.

But he didn't react much and so I couldn't help it, buy carisoprodol diazepam online soma, Is diazepam the same as valium, I had to ask him if he thought it was sexy. He balked at the idea that I was doing it "just for him" and I thought the whole thing was ruined. For a second, I felt pretty damn bad. Why does it always have to be so hard for us to understand each other. Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription, Why couldn't he see that teasing him was the goal, that his lust for me feeds my lust for him. Why do my attempts at doing something sexy and maybe a little kinky seem to always fail so miserably.

Instead of trying to explain, I showed him. Lifted my skirt, strutted around. Told him how easy it would be for him to touch me. That got his interest, Diazepam Pharmacy No Prescription. Then he went in the bathroom to get changed and I walked in behind him, closed the door and sat on the washing machine. Now he was really interested.

He was naked already. He knelt in front of me and went to work with his tongue. I kept my legs spread wide and held the back of his head with both my hands until I came hard.

I wore my new skirt to go out, that night. With panties. I had already gotten what I wanted..

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Cheap Diazepam Online, No HNT, tonight. That's kind of a first, prednisone diazepam. On rx leagle diazepam, No worries though. I just didn't have any new pictures, diazepam info. Diazepam 10, No inspiration, and BT was busy, diazepam shooting up. Diazepam weight gain, I didn't feel like taking pictures of myself in the mirror, I felt like I've done and overdone that one, diazepam for sleep. Diazepam dripping pussy, And I had a fight with a girl friend of mine tonight so really wasn't feeling up to it.

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