Then one day last week, I’m at work and thinking of all the things I could do to BT. I open a new email, put in his address and my mind’s practically gushing with all I want to write about getting into kink again, enforcing new rules, etc., etc., etc. But all I write, after posting him a link to some iPhone 4 review, is “BTW, I want you to be naked tonight when I get home.”

He replies with his usual virtual blushes and his “Really? Do I have to?” Yes, I tell him. I get home around 5PM. Make sure it is so.

On the way home from work, I keep reminding myself that he will be naked. I tell myself that for a sub, there is probably nothing worse than being ordered to do something and then be disregarded or forgotten. I want this to feel good for him. I imagine how it will be when I arrive. I picture where he will be. Probably sitting on the couch. I’ll walk in, look him up and down once and tell him “Stay there.” I’ll go to the washroom, come back out and pick up a fruit and eat it while watching him just standing there, naked.

I finally get home. I walk in and… he’s not on the couch or anywhere near like I thought he’d be, he’s upstairs in his little office. Humph! My carefully planned arrival’s ruined and I’m not sure what to do. I call out and tell him to come downstairs. When he does, I say “From now on, if I tell you to be naked when I come back home from work, you wait for me here.” Then I go to the washroom. I come back out and point to the couch. He’s a good boy, he understands immediately what I want from him and goes to kneel there.

I grab an orange, peel it and sit down in front of him. I eat it slowly, savoring it, admiring him. I ask him what he has to do tonight and when he figured he’d do it: I’ve learned. I can’t just be the domme and have him drop everything, it doesn’t work that way with him. It’s how I used to think it should be, if I’m the domme then when I decide he’s mine, he should be mine. I now know that I can’t just ignore the other stuff he had planned, or he’ll resist and I’ll feel bad.

My orange finished, I tell him to turn on the shower. He says he just got out of the shower and I tell him it doesn’t matter. He’s going to be washing me, he doesn’t have to wash again.

In the shower, I start touching him all over. What a nice body he has! So strong. I have a very small frame compared to him and to feel his solidity is simply amazing. We kiss and it’s electric. I haven’t felt this turned on in a long time, and it’s just him. Just touching and kissing him.

I don’t want him to cum. I turn my back to him and quickly slip his cock in me. “Don’t cum”, I tell him. It feels so good to be filled with him. He is pumping away, his arms wrapped around me, his big hands roaming, feeling my curves, pinching a nipple and flicking my clit. I feel him against my back, big, firm, mine. I orgasm quickly. I turn back around, still aroused, kissing, hugging, stroking him. I fully intend on leaving him high and dry… then I start stroking his cock, his beautiful, hard cock, and I can’t help myself, I stroke him until he cums all over me.

I have an idea: he should lick his sperm off me. He’s never done this for me, I’m not sure he’ll do it. But I try, I point to a spot of white goo on my thigh and I say “Lick it.” He immediately shies away. “But I just came… I don’t feel like it.” I don’t want to give up too easily so I forcefully repeat “Lick it.” and push his head down towards what he left on me. Surprisingly, he complies and licks it off me. A first.

I think my first impression is that I’m probably way too easily influenced. I read Rika’s book and despite my initial “Ugh” reaction upon realizing that it’s about service oriented D/s, I found myself nodding in agreement to most of what she said. Kinda like that time when my therapist told me she didn’t think BT fulfills my needs and I came back home convinced I had to break up with him. Way to be a strong-willed woman…

I imagine many of you have read that book. I know Thumper has talked about it, which is what basically made me want to buy it. And by very quickly Googling it, I can see many, many people have blogged about it in the past. I certainly do not have an exclusive scoop here… But for those of you who haven’t gotten around to it, well Rika has her own particular view of D/s. Of course, there’s no One True Way to do it, so we don’t HAVE to listen to her or anything, yet I find some of her ideas intriguing. What tugged at my brain the most, I think, is how she says that the way many couples approach D/s is for the sub. She describes this scenario where a man approaches his wife/girlfriend and tells her he wants to be her submissive, he wants her to dominate him. If she decides to try it, often it will be under his terms. What that means is, she will look after his reactions to determine how successful she is at dominating him. He might also tell her how he likes to be dominated, what he would like to try… Basically, HE will be the dominant partner, despite what he may say.  That’s what Rika says, anyway.

She goes on to say that in such cases, the woman will often end up losing interest, because she realizes that whatever they’re doing, they’re not doing for her, even if she’s called “dominant”. And well, isn’t it funny but I’ve kinda lost interest, these days? So of course, I had to imagine that maybe that’s what happened with us. I have to admit, too, that I like the idea of BT going out of his way to make MY life easier, like Rika suggests! Sounds like much less work than actually, actively dominating him

Yet… Just like I might lose interest if I do it only for him, might he not lose interest if, instead, we do it only for me? Perhaps the games we’ve been playing since the start aren’t all that bad, after all. I mean, sure, I did look after his reactions to sorta gauge how I was doing or which way I should go next. But then, I LIKE to see him react. I love to see that telltale drop on the tip of his cock. You know.

I still have some thinking to do, but right now, I think what the little voice in the back of my mind is telling me is that BT isn’t truly a submissive; he just likes to play the game, not live the lifestyle. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, yet it still kinda feels like new knowledge. I just hadn’t really thought about it that way before (have I ever mentioned I’m not that great at introspection and all that jazz?) and well, we aren’t that great at communication, either. I can already hear some of you say that we shouldn’t even do the D/s thing, in that case… And you may be right. The relationship thing isn’t that easy either, with how little communication we manage to achieve. What keeps me going is the hope that we’ll learn. And well, we love each other. Crazy, eh?

But anyway… The craziest part is that BT never did put any pressure on me. He’s not one of those subbies that will ask their gf/wife to please, please, please dominate them. He’s never really implied that he’d leave this relationship if I we didn’t do D/s. The only thing he did say was at the very first: he said that for him to want to engage in a relationship with someone, he needed kink. That doesn’t mean D/s, now, does it? I think I may have taken the idea of D/s and ran with it, and then put all this pressure on myself. Which might be exactly why I’m not really that interested in it these days.

All that being said, we still do the regular sex thing. And I’m thinking the kinky stuff will come back once we’ve managed to figure things out a bit, but it should be better because I won’t put so much pressure on myself. Anyway, I hope!

BT and I haven’t had that much sex, nothing new there, but to be fair, we had to be careful because I was on antibiotics for a week and they diminish the effect of the birth control pill. Since we really don’t plan on having kids, we opted for the safe road and simply played nice for a while. Well, I did make him come in the shower. He didn’t return the favor, though, so it made me think that perhaps a new rule was in order: my orgasms come first. I ran the idea by him, watching his reaction, and he seemed to find it a good idea.

A week later, we’re taking a shower together as is our habit on the weekend, and he starts touching me all over. He’s behind me and his hands run all along my chest, my belly, my pussy, sometimes sneaking back up to pinch a nipple. “You have a fun body to touch”, he says. “I sure hope so”, I say. Finally, he turns me around, kisses me, and sits down in the shower so he can kiss my other lips… I come quickly, grabbing at his head both for balance and control.

Once he’s back up and I’ve caught my breath, I start fondling his cock. I love to do this when it’s soapy. The slipperiness makes the movements easier and feels great to him. After a little bit of this, I start laughing: “You expect to come, because you just made me come, don’t you? I COULD deny you, you know…” Fortunately for him, I wasn’t in an evil mood so he got his candy.

________________________________________________

That’s all for the sex stuff, I’m afraid. I did, however, order Ms. Rika’s “Uniquely Rika“, last week. BT saw a book he wanted at the bookstore the other day and before buying it, we checked online. Sure enough, it was cheaper than at the store so I told him I’d order it (I have an account, being an avid reader). But I wanted free shipping so I decided now was a good time to buy Uniquely Rika, which had been in my wishlist for a while. My first BDSM book! Well, no, that’s not exactly true. I read most, if not all, of “Screw the roses, send me the thorns“  quite a while ago, along with “Exit to Eden“, but those I borrowed from BT.

I didn’t tell him I’d ordered this book and he’s the one who was home when the box was delivered. He hasn’t said much about my purchase… I’m not sure if it’s because it scares him or he hasn’t really realized what it’s about. He doesn’t necessarily pay attention to that kind of stuff.

I haven’t read enough of the book yet to form an opinion, but I do think it will help me wrap my mind around the concept of D/s in perhaps a different way. At the very least, it’ll make me think things through, which can only be good. I was a bit put off when I realized it was about “service oriented D/s”; I wasn’t sure this is what I wanted. But, I figured, it certainly won’t hurt to read and after a few pages I thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad. I believe I do like the idea that BT would do everything he can to make my life easier and more agreeable, which is Ms Rika’s take on submission. And if I’m really honest with myself, despite my worries and insecurities sometimes, I think BT already does exhibit at least some of this submission. After all, he fixes things around the house for me, cooks, cleans the kitchen and buys the milk.

I found it fascinating to read. It was exciting! The idea of having sex with another man while my Boy Toy stays behind and isn’t allowed to stray, IS hot. I can and you can’t, HA!

I hate to admit it, but it made me a little envious, too. Not envious in the “bad” way, I’m totally happy for them. It’s just that it sounds like Vixen and PC have a very active sex life, while I wish mine was more active. What struck me the most though is how close they seem, how good their communication must be! Because for cuckoldry to work, a relationship has to be on solid grounds. And I wish Boy Toy and I were that good at communicating, I want to feel that close to him.

As an aside, we ARE working on that and I think we’re slowly getting there. Yay!

Anyway, since it was on my mind, I brought it up with Boy Toy without really thinking first. I asked him what he thought of cuckolding, after telling him I wasn’t fully satisfied with how often we have sex… Yeah, I know, way to go me!

Still, he didn’t reject the idea. Far from it. However, he was a bit dumbfounded at the notion that I’d be allowed to go elsewhere, but not him. It’s true that it doesn’t sound fair, and I’ve known from the start that he believes in open relationships. The first thing he said, in fact, when I asked “What do you think of cuckolding?” was, “What, like an open relationship?” I explained that no, cuckolding meant that only the female partner has sex with others, while the male partner knows this and even encourages it. I encouraged him a bit, tentatively saying that it’d be hot, and it fits in the Domme/sub paradigm. Seen that way, it seemed to appeal to him.

But then I realized it wasn’t really a good idea. Not now, anyway. We aren’t on solid enough grounds, we aren’t good enough yet at communicating. We’d have to talk about it quite a bit, I’d say. And the thing is, if I’m not satisfied with our sex life, I don’t think sleeping around is a good idea at all. I believe it should be an enhancement to our sexuality, not a replacement or fix. Like I said, solid grounds… Otherwise, it would be too dangerous to our relationship.

There’s also the fact that I feel a little bad/guilty about it because of how unfair it might seen, especially knowing that Boy Toy believes in *open* relationships. Yet fair or not,  I know for a fact that I couldn’t bear with the idea of him sleeping with someone else. I’m wayy too insecure for that. I have issues with whether he likes hanging out with his friends more than with me, so imagine if he slept around! Obviously not a good idea. Not now, anyway. We have a few kinks to work out (excuse the pun), first.

Despite this, I do find the idea really hot and it is not impossible at all that we explore it in the future. I’ve already kissed another man, right in front of Boy Toy to boot. He didn’t mind at all

What’s interesting is that according to Wikipedia, there is a biological origin for the fetish of cuckolding:

“The excitement and stimulation of the cuckolding fetish emerges from the biology of sexuality and the effects of sexual arousal on the brain. When a male believes that his female mate may have been sexual with another male, the male mate is prompted by biological urges to copulate with the female, in an effort to “compete” with the other males’ sperm. The effects of sperm competition are well documented. Further, when initiating sex, the male mate thrusts harder, deeper and longer, in efforts to remove the sperm of the other male, and is biologically driven to have sex multiple times. While he may be unable to have sex more than once under usual circumstances, the cuckolded male is prone to repeated sexual efforts. Meanwhile, the wife enjoys greater sexual stimulation, first by her other male lover and second by her cuckolded husband. In addition, the wife enjoys the neurochemical “highs” triggered by entering into a romantic or physical relationship with another lover. These highs include the effects of oxytocin and other neurochemicals which trigger excitement, euphoria and other feelings common to the beginnings of romantic relationships. These neurochemicals change over time, and as a relationship persists, with neurochemicals changing to ones that promote bonding, planning and nurturing. When a wife takes a new lover, she triggers the neurochemicals of a new relationship, bringing home excitement to her husband.”

How fascinating is that?

The good news for Boy Toy and I in all this is that we got to talk about our sex life and we decided we will make more efforts to bring it back to life, so to speak. The other good news is that while talking about this, he started going on about how “just sex” isn’t that interesting to him, that he likes kinky stuff, etc., which surprised me in a way because of the break from kink he had asked for… When I reminded him of this, he said that he thought he had told me he was ready to start again. No, he hadn’t, but I’m happy to know it now  *evil grin*

What’s more, we now have something new to fantasize about. In fact, last night I dreamed I was meeting another man during my lunch hour, for sex. The details are blurry, but I remember getting into the restaurant and realizing there were all these people I know. He finally showed up and sat with me, and the people sitting behind him were a friend of mine and… an ex of his! So we left to find a hotel, and that’s about as much as I remember.

So there you have it, I plead guilty. I admit I’ve sometimes let myself be influenced enough by whatever I read online to think I must be doing it wrong, or I must be a pretty bad Domme indeed.

What made me think about this today is Tom‘s humorous response to Unspeakable Axe’s latest post. Because according to the hardcore FLR advocates out there, a real dominant woman certainly wouldn’t prepare her slave’s lunch and leave him cute little notes…

In my case, it’s my own insecurity, as well as my failure to talk with Boy Toy about my fears, which has led me to occasionally question my “performance” as a “Domme”. It was intimidating to start a relationship with an experienced kinkster and when he told me he easily gets bored in bed, the pressure was on. Of course, I might have felt less pressured if I’d asked him what he meant by “bored”, or what he’d do if he did get bored – but that’s another story. Basically, I started into this thinking I must learn, I must be good at this, and sure, I did some exploring and discovering with Boy Toy, we had plenty of good, fun times, but I also turned to the net, which, as I said, can be a curse as much as a blessing. There are great resources out there, but there’s pretty bad ones too.

Throughout our relationship, I’ve alternated between not giving a fuck about how others do “it”, and worrying that I wasn’t doing it right or enough. When we’re going through rough times especially, I tend to think that if he was truly my submissive, he’d want to take more care of me, of my needs. These days, I’m feeling quite more relaxed and I believe we should fix our issues first, think kink later. Or at least, think kink when we feel like playing.

What worries me is that I’m probably not the most likely person to fall prey to this kind of thinking – I tend to inform myself well and I DO have a good Boy Toy who doesn’t (knowingly) pressure me into anything. So if I’ve sometimes let myself go there, how many others do too? How many people have turned away from kink because the first site they stumbled upon was stupid? Or simply because, without being wrong or stupid, it wasn’t their cup of tea?

I think the first lesson anyone into kink, BDSM, FLR, or vanilla sex for that matter, should ever be taught is that there is no “doing it wrong”. They must explore their own desires and learn what they like, not what others do and how they go about it. It can sometimes be a good source or inspiration, but it cannot be more than that.

Today was to be the day Boy Toy starts his 1 week term as my “slave”. But I’ve had a bad week, stress and hormones mixing together to turn me into an emotional mess, and instead of telling Boy Toy “I’m not doing that great”, I lashed out at him, bitched at everything. Go me! *sigh*

To men out there, I cannot  stress this enough: the hormones DO make us different. I feel so calm and zen the rest of the time but then, all of a sudden, I’ll be miserable, EVERYTHING will feel like something negative towards me and from there, it’s a downward spiral.

In terms of kink, this has set us back a little. As I said, I was planning on today to be the day. After my post about assignments, I decided I needed to discuss them with Boy Toy, to negotiate. I felt completely insecure, at a loss. Because the last time we played turned out badly, because we waited so long to start again and because Boy Toy spoke about more structure, last weekend (something I feel I’m not that great at), I didn’t feel much confidence in my “dominant abilities”.  I needed some sort of reassurance from Boy Toy that I was on the right path with these ideas. Besides, things SHOULD be negotiated beforehand. I wanted to know if these things were hot to him and how far I could go. I wanted to know how we would deal with his work, how he could tell me he needed time to finish something. And I needed to know that he was into this.

I started by asking him about the house chores, if he would feel turned on being made to clean up the house, or if he would feel taken advantage of. He didn’t hate the idea, made a few suggestions of his own. He told me that when I give an order, I should be more assertive. The way I understand this is, rather than saying “I think you should do this naked”, I should say “Strip naked” in a very authoritative way, leaving no doubt as to who is the boss. And I do it… sometimes. But it is true that at other times, I go with the “I think you should…” phrase. It probably has to do with my lack of self-confidence, but also with the fact that I believe being my Boy Toy should mean wanting to please me above all else. Perhaps I get this from reading male-sub blogs, but it seems logical to me. So when I say “I think I’d like this…”, I sorta expect him to be so eager to please that he’ll  jump and do it. I told him this.

But then, my insecurity surfaced: he wasn’t telling me he likes my ideas and he likes my methods. Rather, he was giving me all this advice, which made me feel like I had to change everything around. I lost confidence completely, which I didn’t really have in the first place, and when I told him so, he said “Don’t do it then.” Not what I needed to hear… If you’ll remember, after last time’s disaster, I wanted him to beg for my domination. I needed to know, to really know, that he craved this, that he found it HOT. He hasn’t begged, though, he’s too shy, and after a while I decided to go ahead anyway. But then he tells me not to do it? Forget it, any shred of confidence I may have had flew right out the window.

How can this be? How can I be his “Domme” but need his reassurance so much? Sometimes it makes me feel like such a fraud. I like it when he does as I say, don’t get me wrong, but on the emotional level, I sometimes feel like HE is the Dom and I, the sub.

So things are stalled somewhat, for now. I did tell him, the day after the above conversation, that I needed positive feedback, that I needed to know I’m doing it right. He said he’d try.

Then later on, we were in the shower together and I grabbed his cock. He couldn’t pull away. We were finished showering and the water wasn’t running anymore. I held on, looking at him defiantly. After a minute or so, he started squirming, looking shy. That’s when I know he’s getting subby, when he’s looking shy. “Do you want me to let you go?” I asked him. Eyes downcast, he said yes. “Then beg for it.” His eyes met mine for a heartbeat, and he said: “Please, can I go?” I decided to go a little further with this, I told him to kneel, and he did. I had to bend down so as not to lose my grip. When he had asked again and was back on his feet, I finally let go. “What do you say? And look at me in the eye, when you say it.” And he looked me in the eye and thanked his Owner for letting him go.

A few minutes later, I asked: “So, was that how you do it?” Yes, yes it was. So who knows, there might yet be hope for me. For now, we’re still stalled. If we are to go forward with his being totally mine for a week, we will have to talk again, first. We’ll see.

While I am toying with the notion, I’m coming up with a few ideas of things to have him do during his service. I’m thinking of assignments, perhaps one assignment a day. It could be a different one every day, which I would only reveal at the time he has to perform his task, or it could be a list of 3 or 4 tasks which he would have to memorize. I could then say something like “Ok, time for your daily task. Go ahead and do number 3.” Forgetting what said number stands for would grant him punishment. I wonder which is hotter, for a submissive? I imagine it depends on one’s personal preferences, but if anyone has an opinion, I’d love to read it. For me, both sound hot.

Then there is the idea of imposing a certain appearance or posture. When I come home from work, he is almost invariably upstairs working on his computer. There might be something there… Like having to come downstairs to greet me (which he doesn’t always do, sometimes he’s deep in his code). I think I’d like him to come kneel in front of me and stay in position until I release him. Or something. Yeah, this is definitely a possibility.

As for appearance, it could be a piece of clothing, but preferably a collar or wrist restraints which lock. A little tricky however, because he might have to get out of the house for errands during the day. We do have this slave collar that’s not too hardcore. Maybe it’s a little feminine for my manly Boy Toy, though. We have various cock and ball devices, as well: the CB6000, the Houdini (which you’ve seen in my recent HNT pictures), a very pretty “designer” cock ring, an oval ball stretcher, and I believe he has one of these ball stretchers as well, which I’ve never used on him. I could definitely make him wear one of these for a while.

I might also like to have him exercise. Say, 90 sit ups a day. But while wearing one of the items mentioned above. After all, I like my Boy Toy to have nice abs…

Foot massages are on my list. Regular massages and pussy worship, too. I also kinda like it when he washes and shaves me.

Oh! I could tie him up and bring myself to orgasm with my vibrator while he watches, helpless. And in that case, there probably wouldn’t be any orgasm at all for him during his service. Gotta make sure he’s all good and worked up. Besides, orgasm denial is always hot.

Hmm I think I may even take advantage of the situation and have him do a real nice house cleaning. Provide him with a list of chores, maybe.

What do you all think? What do you find hot in the things I’ve enumerated, and why? And what would you suggest?

I’m no expert, but the way I see D/s, it’s very much about pushing limits. I love to see him get turned on by something I had to impose on him because he’s too shy to ask for it or do it on his own. It’s all about the mindfuck. Last time I tried a little game on him, I was perfectly aware that he was very uncomfortable with having to masturbate in front of me. I know him, I know this is something he’s very shy about, and this is why I decided to play this game. I was intentionally pushing him past his limits.

I told him as much, the other night, and he explained that he had to stop, take a “break”, to figure out what was wrong with him, which apparently was that I’d gotten angry at him. He said that before, but that’s a pretty vague and rather incomplete answer if you ask me. So I decided to dig a little. I wanted to know what really happened. I mean, if you’re someone’s sub, quitting in the middle of the game is not something you do lightly, I’m sure, especially when he wasn’t safe-wording, this wasn’t a hard limit of his. I played on this, telling him that being my Boy Toy means he must do as I say, otherwise what’s the point? I asked him how he thought I felt, that time, that he just up and decided to stop playing, giving up on all our established rules and protocoles, as if I had no say. I was exaggerating, knowing that in the end, this IS a game and if he needs to stop, he stops. But by playfully pushing like this, I was hoping to get him to open up some. And I liked how it made him all subby, too.

Being the good submissive that he is, he agreed with me, but I relented, wanting to actually communicate. With a softer demeanor, I asked him for his suggestions on how to deal with this next time. And one thing he proposed was a safe-word, but with consequences. It’s an idea I will try to keep in mind.

We continued talking and from his answers, I gather that the problem is lack of structure, which led to too much D/s. He says we were “on” all the time. I started to object, but he held fast. It’s not that we were constantly having kinky sex. No, it’s that I could decide to order him around any time. On a whim, I could tell him to put on the CB6000. And he would do it. Basically, play time could be anytime, there was no clear definition of when it starts and when it ends.

Ugh. I kinda had the idea that domination should be more structured, and this is one of the reasons I don’t think I’m a good Domme. I often read Dev, from Devastating Yet Inconsequential, among other bloggers, and I admire how she seems to have the structure part down perfectly. Her and Jos’ rules appear to be plenty, and very clear. Kudos to them, seriously, because that’s exactly the part I struggle with. I tend to go with the flow, act on my whims. I don’t think it’s wrong, exactly, but Boy Toy needs more structure. He needs for it to be clear that now, we’re playing, and at this specific time, the game will be over. And it can’t be all the time; he is a very independent individual, he must have free reign to do as he pleases, when he pleases. Seems contradictory with his submissive nature but I guess they can cohabit, provided we find the right balance. And clear instructions.

Unfortunately, that part is a problem for me. Coming up with rules, writing a contract – I’m not good at it. I’m not sure if I lack the discipline, the concentration, the imagination… or what. Last week I mentioned a new contract might be on the way and you know what? I haven’t written a word of it yet. I still haven’t come up with any conditions I’d like to include! Part of it is a lack of time, I imagine. There are so many things I want to do in a day, I never manage to get to everything. But the bottom line is, I’m good at improvising, I’m not good at planning.

I will make an effort, though.

I also need to be more structured in my explorations. I would probably learn a whole lot more if I stopped on one aspect for a while and experimented with it systematically. You know. As it is, my dominance is so… scatterbrained. It’s no wonder I still feel like I don’t know very much, even after two years with Boy Toy.

Another idea which came out of this conversation is alternating between periods where he is my slave/Boy Toy, and periods where we are just plain vanilla. For instance, 2 weeks of slavery and 2 weeks of freedom. This would give him plenty of “free” time and he would know exactly when the D/s is on, as well as let us examine how things went or what could change, when we’re “off”. An idea worthy of further examination.

In the meantime, he still owes me 2 weeks as my slave, from I don’t even remember when, and I’m thinking of taking him up on this next week. Have to plan things I’d like to do to him, though, which is always a little hard for me. I would like to establish a few rules, maybe. Like how to address me, what he should wear, stuff like that. If anyone has anything to suggest, I’d be happy to read it.

So, there’s been progress and we might actually get down and dirty, soon. Yay!

I’ve continued with the teasing. You know, the idle comment (you’re a good Boy Toy), the occasional firm butt or cock grab… My hints have become pretty clear: “You want me to dominate you, you’ll have to beg for it.” To which he replied: “I know. I will… I just have to be in the right mood.” Fair enough, I can wait.

But it’s getting there. He’s been having kinky dreams, for one thing. And he’s been making comments too, calling me his Owner often. Last week’s photoshoot left him dripping (you’ll see why next HNT). Of course, the fact that we haven’t been having that much sex, leaving him orgasm-less for over a week, probably helped too. Because I still won’t let him masturbate, despite denying that I dominate him. I guess that’s just the last bit of control I couldn’t let slip away.

I’ve been wondering what I should do when he finally begs. Make him get on his knees and beg “more convincingly”? Tie him up and fuck him with my strap-on, after having made him beg for it? Go right into the two-weeks-as-my-slave that he still owes me, since months ago? I’m open to suggestions…

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On a (slightly) different note, a new contract might be in the making. As you may know, Boy Toy and I used to have a cigarette smoking contract. Last January, Boy Toy asked me to let it go because he believed he was starting to like the kinky side of the agreement a bit too much, and because he wanted to try quitting on his own terms. So we gave it up.

Nine months later, he still smokes just as much. More, even, than when the contract was in effect. That is not acceptable: there’s been no progress whatsoever, and I had to give up on a set of rules I really enjoyed! So I brought it up, this weekend. Mentioned how there’d been no progress at all, quite the contrary, and that it was time for a new contract. His answer was to blush, which makes me think the new contract is a good idea.

I have to think it through, though. The first contract ended up being a problem because kneeling in front of me to smoke is kinky and arouses him, which made him like the cigarettes even more…The rules have to please me, and discourage him from smoking. Any ideas? Perhaps a system that rewards not smoking?

For what it’s worth, this was the original agreement:

Contract regarding cigarette smoking

We the undersigned parties recognize and accept the submission of boy toy to Owner, in regards to the number of cigarettes boy toy will smoke every day. This will continue for an undetermined period of time, until Owner believes boy toy is ready for the next step towards becoming a non-smoker.

It is agreed that during this period, boy toy will be under Owner’s direction and control when it comes to smoking, and that he will be subject to the following conditions:

• Boy toy will be allowed to smoke no more than 8 cigarettes in a day.
• When in Owner’s presence, if alone with her, boy toy will smoke his cigarettes kneeling in front of Owner, and thank her for letting him smoke.
• If boy toy smokes one cigarette more than the allotted 8 a day, he will not be allowed to give Owner oral sex for a period of 5 days.
• If, during this 5 days period, boy toy smokes another cigarette more than the allotted 8 a day, he will have to wear a cage [this refers to a chastity device] for 10 days.
• If boy toy goes over his limit yet again during this period, his punishment will be left to Owner’s discretion.
• Boy toy will keep good count of how many cigarettes he smokes, and will never lie about it.
• Lying about how many cigarettes have been smoked will result in a period of 10 days without being allowed to give oral sex, and wearing a cage.

Boy toy willingly submits himself to the above described conditions, commits himself to the ultimate goal of becoming a non-smoker, and accepts his Owner’s directions when it comes to smoking cigarettes.

“One of the reasons that she kinks on chastity and denying me, is that she sees it as having power over a part of me that in itself is powerful. Mrs. Edge does not lock up my “worthless little dickie” (or worse, my “sissy clitty”… ugh, sorry, just the term grates on me). Rather, she locks up my cock – my thick, raging, turgid, veiny, purple, manly, hard cock.”

Exactly!

Ok, I do not want to judge other people’s kinks, so if you do like the “worthless worm” type play, please don’t be offended. What’s hot to you is hot to you. And I guess it’s the game, the humiliation itself, that must be hot to both humiliator and humiliated. But it’s just not in me. I love Boy Toy and it does not feel natural at all to me, to treat him as a small man. I totally look up to him. Which might seem contradictory with the fact that I dominate him.

Yet it’s not. It’s all the more hot that this big, strong man whom I really admire and love, whom I think is smart, wild and independent, will kneel for me, submit to me. It’s not only hot, I see it as devotion and love. Sure, it turns him on, it’s not all selfless, but he wouldn’t let just anybody dominate him. And, well, I also love to have such an effect on him. I love to see his reactions, I feed off of them, as I’ve already mentioned before.

Ranat, in answer to Tom’s post, goes on to say:

“Another reason why I’m attracted to chastity/orgasm denial with male bodies is because of the cultural idea that their cock is valuable and worth something to them. And I get to have control over it even thought it is so valued, precious, and guarded.”

That’s also a pretty sizzling idea. Here’s that thing which has so much cultural bagage, and I get to lock it up and decide its faith. And judging by the effect locking it up has on Boy Toy, it IS important to him. Seems to me that a man’s penis is very central to him. It’s no wonder we constantly joke about men thinking with their penises…