Blog silence
I know, I know, I haven’t been posting. I just haven’t had the inspiration, and it isn’t the first time! Guess there’s just nothing much blog-worthy going on in my life these days. Not much sex, that’s for sure 
Actually, that last part is a bit of a problem for me. I’d definitely be up for more than I’m getting. From the little talks I’ve had with BT regarding this, he’s a bit bored with “regular” sex and would rather do something kinky. Fine with me, but… I don’t want it to be all up to me. Even with good old vanilla sex, I’m always the one to initiate. BT just isn’t an initiating kinda guy, and that’s been getting to me.
I don’t know if it’s just me, or if most women feel the same way, but I want my guy to want me. I want him to lust after me and show it and come for me. At least once in a while. Even when it comes to kink, I’ve always had to come up with everything – or so it seems to me. I’ve had to think of what I wanted to do to him, and then go and do it. It’s fun, but after a while, a girl needs to feel desired, you know?
So it’s coming to the point where I don’t even feel like initiating anymore because my treacherous little brain is imagining that he doesn’t desire me. At this point, we haven’t had sex in about a week and a half (for me, that’s a long time). Kind of a sucky situation for a sex blog, hmm? No wonder I haven’t been posting.
I have told him that I am all for doing kinky stuff, but just want him to take a bit more initiative. It’s been discussed before, and nothing changed, so I ended up getting angry at him, which – predictably – hasn’t resolved anything. It’s not all bad, since he DID say he’d make an effort, and I AM willing to do kink. We just have to make it happen? So I don’t know… Does anyone have any suggestion? What would you do in my position? I’ve even gone so far as to suggest cuckolding but quickly backed away from my own suggestion, as it’s not really what I want. What I want is more sex with my BT. Cuckolding might come later, I don’t know yet, but I’m certainly not ready for it now.
Other things have kept me from my blog, as well. I’ve had a dental intervention (let’s call it that) last week. It went very well and the only thing it’s prevented me from doing is drinking and working out. Then I started playing Final Fantasy again, and I’ve been finding myself drawn to my Play Station as soon as I have a bit of free time. That’s not blog-posting compatible, it would seem. Yet all is not lost, since I’m posting right now… and will probably try to come up with something for HNT later. Stay tuned!
Category: Ramblings, Relationship | 
30 Comments »
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I totally get it. I want my hubby to initiate and he I. We sit and wait for the other to take the lead all night until one or the other just gets tired and the night goes wasted. He doesn’t have a job where we can flirt all day – in fact it would be really bad considering his place of employment….
Anyway – this isn’t really helping you is it? A change of scenery… that is what I suggest.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:15 pm
I think that part of the problem is that if he’s in a submissive mindset, it’s difficult for him to take initiative because that is associated with being dominant. And knowing that you’re upset with him makes it even *more* difficult (perversely enough) because he’s probably feeling confused or ashamed.
Naturally, this is only a guess on my part.
It does make me wonder, however, how you and he approach each other on this topic. It’s possible that you’re approaching this from a position of insecurity (you want to feel “desired”), which he may not know how to handle.
And as for BT, he claims to be bored with the vanilla sex, but maybe the problem is that his imagination needs some sparking — you know, like priming the pump, so to speak. Maybe you need to ask him (in a situation in which there’s no pressure) to describe a few scenarios that appeal to him. Better, he could write them out, and you could read them together. Or wait – he could write them out, you can blog them, and your readers can vote on one for him to try next.
Hey, what the hell, right? I mean nothing else is working :-\
Hmm. He’s not still locked up, is he? You could make it a condition that in order to be unlocked, he has to come up with a good scene, first.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I wish I knew what to do with my wife to initiate things and get things going. I’ve tried and I’m tired of getting turned down. Good luck to you, sorry I don’t have anything better to offer.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:50 am
I hope you two get back to the fun sex soon. It’s such a drag when the sex drives don’t match up.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Some subs feel like it’s topping from the bottom to initiate kink and/or sex. I disagree with that idea, but it may be worth talking about to see if he feels that way.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
You’re not the only sexy woman I know who has a significant other who doesn’t initiate. I’ll never understand it, but I think it’ll work out in your case. At least you’re not going months like I know others are. Hang in there
March 4th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
BD: In that case, perhaps you should make a date out of it? Reserve the time, make an evening out of it. And oh, tease each other and see how long you can hold out or something?
A change of scenery might be a good idea. Like having sex in bed instead of the shower
March 4th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
Tom: That very well may be the case. Not that he sees it as being dominant, necessarily, although maybe he does… But he did say that he’d feel kind of silly, asking me to dominate him. That’s probably the problem we have to overcome; find a way for him to initiate, or get the idea going, you know, without it being like “Hey, do kinky shit to me”.
For sure I am approaching this from a position of insecurity, and no doubt, he doesn’t know how to handle it. I get angry at his lack of reaction, so in the end he probably feels like he did something wrong. If he looks at this from a submissive outlook, then it mustn’t feel good, he must feel like he’s being chastised. Meh!
Helping him spark his imagination is a good suggestion. It might work. If I give him an “assignment”, he’ll do it. It’d be a way to get him involved… In the end, it’ll still be coming from me, but I guess it’s better than nothing
I do like the idea to blog them out and have people judge. Yup, I just might do it.
No, he’s not locked up.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
James: If I knew what works, I’d certainly share!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
13messages: It IS a drag. And I guess you’ve pinpointed it: our sex drives don’t match up. He IS 14 years older than me, perhaps that doesn’t help. Oh well, we aren’t that bad off, it’s just not as often as I’d like!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
roo-roo: I’ll have to feel him out on this one, definitely. I do know, like I said to Tom above, that he feels silly asking me to dominate him. What do YOU do if you want someone to do things to you?
March 4th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
TUG: I know, many couples have mismatched sex drives. And then, I’ll read someone’s blog and they’ll say they have sex like, every day. I’m so jealous.
But yeah, we never go months. But we pretty much only have sex on weekends, and usually just once in the weekend. I guess I just want to have a spicy sex life, dammit! When I’ve talked to BT about this, I’ve even said “Well gee, I’m asking for something that should be FUN! Most men would kill for this!” haha…
March 5th, 2010 at 5:49 am
What do YOU do if you want someone to do things to you?
We talk about things at a time when we’re not playing, either in person, via e-mail, or over the phone. We’re always tossing ideas back and forth. We check in with each other to ask if there’s anything the other person would like more of or would like to explore.
If it’s casual play with someone else, I simply say, “If you’re interested in doing X or Y sometime, you know where to find me.” (X and Y play are really hot!) That way, I don’t put them on the spot waiting for an immediate response.
March 5th, 2010 at 8:04 am
I get angry at his lack of reaction, so in the end he probably feels like he did something wrong. If he looks at this from a submissive outlook, then it mustn’t feel good, he must feel like he’s being chastised.
I’m just tossing out an idea:
Lock him up. Then *don’t* give him his usual chance to masturbate. Don’t treat it as a punishment, though; simply treat it as you wanting something just for the sake of wanting it – you know, the “ownership” thing. This might get his libido back up without you needing to do anything overtly dominating. This gives you a break, and allows him to work up to something naturally.
OTOH, you know him better than we do. If he sees it as a punishment, and that arouses him, then maybe that might not be a bad thing to spark his libido.
March 6th, 2010 at 1:00 am
roo-roo: sounds like it’s easier talking to ya than to BT
I think he’s shy of admitting a lot of things. Or scared! Anyway, a little earlier, he said he wasn’t really in the mood for this kind of thing, right now, so I let it rest.
March 6th, 2010 at 1:01 am
Tom: a good idea, and it did work wonders a couple of weeks ago. But right now he says he’s not in that mood at all. Not sure if it’s just tonight or it’ll last a few days, but it seems like winter’s getting to him. Thankfully, spring is just around the corner.
March 7th, 2010 at 5:31 am
Hmmm, if we were close, I would suggest switching partners for one night. I’m sure BT would love to play with ‘redhaed’ E (and v.v.) and I’m sure I’d love to do kinky with you
Wish you luck though with BT!
March 8th, 2010 at 6:12 am
Let me see… A woman who’s beautiful (not trying to hit on you, but I’ve seen your HNT), into kink and isn’t getting enough action, mmm, I can only imagine the e-mails you must get from the world.
IMHO the important factor is that the situation is not making you want to dump him. This shows you that he means a lot to you, which is a positive starting point.
There’s no strategy you can take to “fix” him or the situation. You have to both see it as an issue that belongs to both of you. It’s the mismatch, not the lack in one partner. Couples who have huge differences in height don’t try to make the small one grow. They stand on a box.
Talk. Figure out the ideals. Talk. Propose compromises. Talk. Identify each other’s buttons. Find limits. Oh, and talk.
And forget the playstation
Your writing is more creative and interesting than that.
March 9th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Kevin: Thanks for the offer
Though to be quite frank, I could not bear to see him with (or know that he’s with) another woman.
March 9th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
RossK: No, no, I’m not getting any extra emails
Of course I don’t want to dump him, I love him. The problem was mostly that the situation makes me angry. Not because his sex drive doesn’t seem to match mine, but because I’ve told him many times this was an issue for me, and he hasn’t really done anything to change the situation. He’s said “I’ll try!” and then nothing happened. That makes me feel like he doesn’t care that I have an issue, and it really pisses me off. Then if I wait until I’m thinking about exactly this, and start feeling pissy, before I bring it up again… well the conversation doesn’t go well.
I like your way of seeing it, perhaps it’ll help us. We’ll try to find our “box”. And yes, we need to talk about it, just not when I’m angry because he seems not to care that I feel bad about the situation.
As for the playstation, I was just about to go play
March 13th, 2010 at 3:11 am
Dear Elle
It´s a classic problem in many relationships. I think most of the sugestions have been said, but talking , ore writing is really the key here. Maybe you could agree to take turns on the initiating and have a schedule in the beginning.
Remember the best way to initiate sex is kissing. Do not ever forget kissing
BM
March 15th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
I totally get it, its good to feel desired. But then as you know i have exactly the same problem so I would understand.
Advice? Heheh, nothing we have found yet that works so well that its worth mentioning as advice. Just keep plugging away at it. Hope it works out well.
Yeah sex more than once a week, that would be nice! I know some people think thats a lot, they get it once a month or less and compared to that we are doing well, but if your libido and physchlogy is ‘high sex drive’ once a week is still bad enough.
As I said to Sandy recently, sometimes I dont enjoy the sex because its just whetting my appetite. I know that after this i will want more, but it feels like an age before I can even hope for more. Takes the fun away from it.
Anyway always here for you
xxx
March 15th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Black Matrixx: Thanks for your kind words! We will try to keep the communication lines open, but you know, life interferes and stuff. Still, like MyKey says, we’re not that badly off. Once a week is much better than many couples!
March 15th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
MyKey: Yeah, I kinda get the “not enjoying the sex” feeling too. Mainly because sometimes I think he doesn’t desire me much, so doesn’t make me feel like it. Maybe it’s just a PMS thing…
Thanks for your support, though, you’re sweet
March 16th, 2010 at 12:12 am
Late to the party here, sorry….
I like being dominate. PC likes being submissive. BUT as the sub, he is *supposed* to initiate. I need him to initiate many times. We consider it part of his sub-duties.
Feeling wanted/desired is *HUGE* to me.
I hope it works itself out hon…. xo
March 16th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Never call a man sweet!
I’m a corrugated iron stomach sex god!
X
March 16th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Vixen: Making it as a duty for him might be a good idea… Will see. I think communication is in order but it’s not often a good time, for him…
March 16th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Mykey: Oh, that’s right, I forgot. I tried this on you before and got the same reaction, I remember now
You are a corrugated iron stomach sex god, and BT has muscles of steel.
March 17th, 2010 at 4:14 am
That’s better
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