We’re just a week into 2010 and I wanted to talk about my “almost” resolution to start exploring sex and kink with my boy again. I had the same idea last year, though I don’t have much to show for it; our explorations have slowed down to a crawl. Besides, I don’t do the “resolution” thing (which explains the “almost”). Although I might want to reduce the drinking a little. Not stop, mind you. Just not drink as much when I do drink.

But anyway… I think I kinda got lost along the way. Earlier this week, I wrote about some of the things I’ve realized of late, things that just go to show how lost I was relationship-wise. I feel much more grounded these days. Perhaps there are still issues to look into, but I don’t feel so worried over everything. Whatever issue I gotta work on, I’m not so worried about because I know it’ll be OK, with time. Much progress.

I’m thinking our sex life followed the same path, in large part because sex reflects the health of a relationship. But I also think I was going at our D/s games from the wrong angle. Perhaps I wanted to please Boy Toy too much and I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off. I think I kinda felt like I HAD to be kinky. I mean, I always had fun with all our games, and I’m not saying I didn’t actually like any of it, but maybe sometimes it was a little empty or even a little forced, on my side. Maybe that’s why Boy Toy doesn’t seem all that interested these days. Or maybe, like he says, it’s just winter getting to him.

What I think this actually means is I failed at introspection. “I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off” is the key, here. Looking back, I know many (most) things we did turned me on. I remember when I first locked Boy Toy in a chastity device. It got me wet. And dominating him has often created a noticeable, quite pleasing, throbbing down there… So maybe “empty” and “forced” are too strong here, maybe what I meant was “not well thought out”. I know I liked it, but I don’t know exactly what I liked.

I’ve therefore decided that along with finding myself, I will also work on exploring and understanding my kinks. That sounds like fun… If only I knew how to go about it! I guess that’s also part of the fun

I do know the first step: talk more with Boy Toy. I often feel like he’s not interested in sex and like he doesn’t find me sexy. Nothing to help me want to be kinky… These are probably my own interpretations, and asking him what he actually thinks should help straighten things out. Understanding what goes on in that head of his, what turns him on, what happens when he doesn’t feel like it, should all help me know when and how to approach him and how to take his refusals. Phew!

I do have a few ideas of things I want to get into with Boy Toy. There are beginnings of naughty scenarios in my head… I just have a hard time finishing said scenarios and putting them into action! For instance, I gave him an assignment a couple of months ago:

“Here’s an assignment for you: you are to find a theme for some sexy time together. What I do with the theme is up to me, but you must provide it. If this isn’t clear enough, think about that time I dressed as a sexy policewoman and arrested and questioned you… That would have been my take on the “police” theme.”

He came up with “renovation project” or “home repair guy”. I had beginning of ideas, started to work on something, and… stalled. I still intend on doing it, I just need to figure out WHAT I’ll do to him! Any ideas, anyone? Think “dominatrix needs a handyman” and what she’d do to said handyman if she found him to her liking…

Also, I watched Secretary the other day. I had never seen it before, and I quite enjoyed it. While watching it, I couldn’t help but think that had it been just 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have understood this movie and would have probably thought it fucked up. Funny, how things change! I’m wondering if I shouldn’t recommend it to a non-kinky friend or co-worker, just to see their reaction? *evil grin*

To be honest, I was fascinated by this movie. Very interesting to see the characters’ evolution, and very intriguing also. I gather that the girl never really knew about D/s but what about the guy? I’m not sure what his history was. There must be tons of analysis of this movie online and when I have a bit more time, I’ll check them out. Very curious!

The movie was inspiring, too. After I finished watching it, I couldn’t help but think of things I could do to Boy Toy. I envisionned myself tying him up to a chair and stuffing my underwear in his mouth for a gag. Hmmm… And maybe he needs more rules around this house. Kneel and kiss my feet when I come home from work? Sweep the floor every day? It sure would be nice to have a cleaner house… lol

I need to think about this more. What effect would such rules have on him, and which ones do *I* actually want? Which ones would turn me on? Boy Toy always counters with “It becomes a chore if it’s routine.” Is that really true of everything, and if so, how to get around it? I think I like the idea of a routine much more than he does. I liked it when he knelt in front of me to smoke. I miss it. Perhaps it’d make it hot to him if he knew I insist on it and it pleases me? More things to think about and discuss with him…

I feel like I’m back at square one. I’ve explored kink, now I’m about to start exploring ME.