I’ve been meaning to post an actual update for quite a while, but with the Holidays and all, I barely managed to do even HNT. I’ll do my best tonight, even though I’m close to falling asleep as I type this.

So, what’s new in Elle’s world? Not much, really. Well, there isn’t much new in terms of events, but things have been buzzing in my little head. As I’ve mentioned a while back, I sought help to try and untangle the insecure mess I’d become. My therapist asked many good questions and raised several issues, and so far, I’d say it’s helped tremendously. It seems a little strange to me, to say it helped so much after only a few sessions. But the truth is, I feel generally more relaxed and grounded. I have my bouts of insecurity, true, but I don’t seem to throw them at Boy Toy so much, relying on him to make me feel better. Instead, it seems I recognize my insecurity for what it is and sort of wait it out. I usually feel better soon enough. Hell, half the time, PMS is probably to blame! Damn hormones.

I’ve been feeling much more at peace because I realized that I don’t have so much work to do on myself. Not that I’m perfect, quite the contrary. It’s just that whenever an issue would come up between Boy Toy and I, something he didn’t like or agree with, I took it upon myself to try and change that part of me which conflicted with him/us. For instance, if I wanted more affection and we had an argument when I mentioned it, I’d start thinking I had to stop wanting affection so much, that it was somehow bad to want it so much, since it meant I’m too dependent. Plus, it caused problems in my relationship. This is just an example, but I’m sure you can well imagine that after a while, I felt like I had this huge weight on my shoulders. There was so much I needed to change about myself!

Eventually, I started feeling resentful towards Boy Toy and I started demanding that he make some efforts, too. If I had so much “work” to do, then it was only fair that he also work hard at this relationship, right? I don’t think I really knew what I wanted or needed so I just threw any and all demands his way. It didn’t make much sense, and Boy Toy usually seemed quite overwhelmed by my demands. When he wasn’t too overwhelmed and tried to do as I asked, it didn’t really make anything better.

Tensions rose until we nearly broke. There were other factors too, I imagine, but right now I think what I just described was the main problem. Perhaps I’ll have a different theory next week…

I’ve come to this conclusion while I was away, working with the tidbits I’d gathered from my sessions with my therapist. When I came back home, I told Boy Toy that from now on, I would not be backing out of my needs and wants. However, I insisted that this did not mean he was obligated to fulfill them. That was part of the problem before: if I said I wanted more affection, he immediately wondered at how much to give versus how much he already gave and he felt discouraged, and probably inadequate. I’m only guessing about his feelings here, but it seems to make sense.

With this in mind, I think Boy Toy has to remember that it’s OK to not give me everything I ask for. He has to realize that when I do ask for something, I’m just communicating. I’m telling him about how I feel and he is free to do what he wants with what I’ve told him. There should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on his part if he can’t fulfill all of my needs. And there should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on my part for wanting the things I want.

Sounds much more simple and healthy, no?

There are other things I need to work on, such as how to express what I want and need, but this right here certainly seems like the biggest piece of the puzzle – and with it in place, we can now work on having more kinky sex.