It’s been a while since I posted one of Boy Toy’s dreams. He does still have them occasionally, but it seems he forgot he was supposed to write them down for me! I guess I shouldn’t go so easy on him

The dream was in a lot of sparse parts, but the overall context was that a lifestyle F/m movement was happening, maybe in the entire world, and I think in secret. At least that’s what I gathered from all the little bits.

There’s one part where we’re at home and you’re telling me that it’s up to you to decide when and how it would happen (making if full F/m based). It appears I’m on a one month trial, which doesn’t appear to be by my choosing, it felt more like I was forced or I had no choice, almost as if it’s a law or something. But being that it’s only one month, I feel comfortable with it.

Then someone is telling me that I’m in trouble because that’s the way it happens: they make us believe it’s a one month thing and during that time, they condition and train you and then it extends indefinitely. And for some reason that seems to be attached to not being able to cum, so I’m looking in the mirror to see if the Fort, or something like it, is on, because they told me to check if it was and if it is, it means for sure it won’t end in just a month.

So I’m looking in the mirror and… it’s on! I notice that there is this add-on part, a little plate above the ring attached to a chain around the waist, a bigger chain than what we’ve used. Apparently, a blog reader of yours sent you an add-on mod to make it absolutely secure.

Then I seem to be talking to this other person again and telling them about the Fort. This person tells me you went with the add-on for the purpose of making sure there is no way to cum, it’s sort of tied to becoming more submissive and under your control.

Then there’s a part about never being able to wear clothing, in the house only I think, or I hope! And you’re checking windows from all angles to see if people can see me and then adding curtains to windows. I remember being asked where I stand or work in the garage, or when I make an espresso. I was trying to tell you that I could put something on for those things, but inside I knew it could get me punished, because it would mean that I am not accepting the agreement or contract, I’m trying to break it.

This part is very vivid: we are sitting outside by some cafe and I’m looking at the ground because it’s kinda soft, like soft spongy pavement, so I guess it’s not winter. It’s sunny and warm. Someone else is with us, I think it’s a friend of yours, and you are telling me that I’ve progressed towards being fully submissive, except that you wanted to train me to wear, or become accustomed to wear, a collar at home and for presentation when your friends are there. All of a sudden we are back home and you’re explaining how to prepare for when you have guests over!!! I won’t go into details but this is when I snapped out of submission-mode and woke up!

I hope you’ll forgive me for constantly using the same damn Photoshop treatment, I just like it too much… I really should learn a new one.

I won’t be around tonight; in fact, I’m posting this in advance and setting up an auto-post. So if someone could please, pretty please, post that I’m up, over at Os’?

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

Oh, hi there! Yeah, I’m still alive. There just hasn’t been much going on kink-wise these days, so I have trouble finding things to blog about. I don’t really want to get political (I’ve always avoided politics anyway). I could probably start a food blog with all the cooking that goes on in this house, but yeah, that’d have to be a different blog. Or would it? Does kink go well with food?

Anyway, things have been allright. I’ve been keeping busy, as usual. The days are definitely too short! I guess that explains in part the lack of blogging. And yeah, there’s also the lack of kinky sex. There’s been sex, though. But winter’s taking its toll and neither of us are feeling especially naughty. Perhaps I just need to take the initiative. Hmm, maybe…

Boy Toy has been having a few kinky dreams. I might get around to posting them, if he gets around to writing them down. It’s intriguing, how he seems a little more attentive after such a dream. How cute is that?

In other news, I had an interesting time at a friend’s house party recently. Someone made a play-flogger and we all took turns flogging each other’s ass. And no, they’re not kinky. Well, not that I know of. We did talk about pain in a sexual context, a little later on. One of my friends thinks that to enjoy pain sexually, you must have had some sort of traumatic experience as a kid. She thinks the whole concept of sado-masochism is unhealthy. A couple of us argued that if it’s consensual, then there is nothing unhealthy there. Perhaps it is caused by some sort of experience as a child, but maybe not. We’re all different.

As I was typing the previous paragraph, I decided to Google “cause of masochism” and the first result brings you to the Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders. Mental disorder? Really? I’m not off to a good start! In any case, this is what they say in regards to cause:

There is no universally accepted cause or theory explaining the origin of sexual masochism, or sadomasochism in general. However, there are some theories that attempt to explain the presence of sexual paraphilias in general. One theory is based on learning theory that paraphilias originate because inappropriate sexual fantasies are suppressed. Because they are not acted upon initially, the urge to carry out the fantasies increases and when they are finally acted upon, a person is in a state of considerable distress and/or arousal. In the case of sexual masochism, masochistic behavior becomes associated with and inextricably linked to sexual behavior.

There is also a belief that masochistic individuals truly want to be in the dominating role. This causes them to become conflicted and thus submissive to others.

Another theory suggests that people seek out sadomasochistic behavior as a means of escape. They get to act out fantasies and become new and different people.

Interesting. And interesting how the text uses terms such as “diagnosis”, “treatments”, “symptoms”… One would think masochism isn’t normal!

I think the smartest thing in the article is this: “Because it is sometimes unclear whether sadomasochistic behavior is within the realm of normal experimentation or indicative of a diagnosis of sexual masochism, prevention is a tricky issue.”

What are your thoughts?

______________________________________________

Edit: I should have read more before posting… The article does differentiate between “problematic” masochism and normal sexual experimentation:

The diagnostic criteria also require that the person has experienced significant distress or impairment because of these behaviors, urges, or fantasies. The distress and impairment can be present in social, occupational, or other functioning.

Sexual masochism must be differentiated from normal sexual arousal, behavior, and experimentation. It should also be differentiated from sadomasochistic behavior involving mild pain and/or the simulation of more dangerous pain. When this is the case, a diagnosis of sexual masochism is not necessarily warranted.

I’m posting my HNT early tonight, as I want to get some much needed rest. Could someone please post that I’m up, over at Os’? Good night, all!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I was surfing the net last week, looking for relationship advice (yes, I know, lame… but sometimes when I feel bad reading that kind of stuff helps me with the introspection part and makes me feel a little better, go figure). One of the search results in Google caught my eye; the title was so ludicrous I just had to check it out.

How to Actually Get Your Boyfriend to Propose to You

Steps

1. Don’t mention marriage. Don’t mention weddings. Don’t mention babies. Even if you’re one of those people who is crazy about all that stuff, avoid bringing up the subject if possible.

2. If a wedding comes on TV, switch channels/yawn/talk over the top about something completely irrelevant. If it’s a film (eg. Four Weddings and a Funeral), just say something like “Andie MacDowell’s pretty ugly, don’t you think?” Whatever. Just don’t talk about centrepieces or how sad/sweet it all is.

3. If you go to a wedding together don’t comment on how beautiful it all is. As far as he’s concerned you hate it. “The food’s crap, the venue’s awkward for everyone & the whole thing is sooo pointless & tedious. God, you won’t ever make me do this, will you?!” You say to your boyfriend, before leaving & preferably having some mindblowing sex & leaving before he wakes up.

4. If some friends get engaged & they tell you before him, wait for them to tell him. Don’t dignify the engagement & make it seem like a big deal to you (even if it is) by going to the effort of telling him about it before they have the chance. When he finds out he’ll probably mention it to you, you can be like “Oh yeah, they already told me. God, they’re great together now, but how will they cope? I feel so sorry for people being stuck with someone for the rest of their lives…” Then change the subject before he can reply.

5. As above make him think you feel sorry for married couples. Let him over hear a conversation or you on the phone to a friend “When I saw John & Lisa today they looked miserable. Miserable & bored. I guess the honeymoon period’s worn off…” & even louder “Seriously, who wants to sleep with one person for the rest of your life? Sheesh.”

6. If he wants you to meet his parents, he asks you to meet his parents. If he wants to meet your parents, he suggests he meets your parents. You don’t arrange these things. The most you can do is pick a weekend you know he’s not busy & say “My parent’s wanted us over this weekend but I told them you were busy. I thought I’d save you the hassle.” Before he can ask change the subject/leave the room. Leave the thought lingering in his mind. He needs to know it’s something he has to work for.

7. If you get invited somewhere his friends/family aren’t going, don’t invite him. Don’t even mention it. Mention it at the last possible moment you can, if you have to. Even better mention it after it’s happened. If he asks why you didn’t tell/invite him you say “Well, I didn’t think you’d be interested…”

8. Don’t go on holiday with him, unless he invites you & organizes it all. If you want to go on holiday, invite your friends, not him. Even if you have a really crappy time crying in your hotel room & saying how much you love him & miss him- he won’t find out. You won’t let him. He will think you’ve had a great time without him & you tell him not to worry – you won’t ‘bore him with details’.

9. Make plans that don’t involve him. Limit the time you spend with him. If you’re bored at home & he invites you over, say your ‘busy’ or ’sick’. You can’t. He can be bored & miss you instead. The times you do go over his it’s because you’re ‘not working’ or ‘just about made it over’. Have as much fun & sex as possible. He’ll miss you more when your not around.

10. Don’t live with him. If you do, move out. NOW. Use any excuse you have to. Your mother’s sick, you need space, you need to be closer to work. Doesn’t matter. Do it.

11. Don’t have sex at yours. Have sex at his. Good sex. Fulfill his fantasies, don’t squirm when he suggests you watch porn together & don’t start rambling on about how much you love him afterwards. Just sigh sexily (sighing is different to groaning I might add) & curl up asleep next to him.

12. Try to leave as early as possible in the mornings. Make excuses. If you do stay a little longer, don’t hassle him. Make him breakfast, affectionately kiss him but don’t talk to him unless he talks to you.

13. Don’t leave your stuff at his. If you’re going to leave anything, I’d recommend ‘accidentally’ leaving a soft scarf or jumper on the bed or sofa. You should make sure it smells of that perfume you always wear too. Something delicate but sexy. Think something like Tommy Hilfiger Dreaming, not Dior Poison. Get it?

14. Don’t ever move things around at his place or complain about how he lives/behaves. No-one likes a nagger.

15. This step is vital. After you’ve been living apart for a while & you’re sure he’s hooked on you, tell him you need to stay at his for a week: Your boiler’s broken, your apartment’s being painted, your long lost cousin needs somewhere to stay etc. You DON’T bring all your stuff. You bring the bare essentials. You keep his bathroom clean & uncluttered. Same for his kitchen. You do this without mentioning it. Then you treat him like a God. You kiss him, cuddle him, go down on him & have great sex all the time. You don’t nag him. You don’t ask him where he’s going at night, what time he’ll be in, whatever. You make him snacks & tasty food & completely fill up his refrigerator. You DON’T try to give him pea flavoured lentil mush & pumpkin seeds. You make & buy MAN FOOD; Pizza, Steak, Bacon & family size packs of Doritos & Snickers. Whatever he likes, you eat with no complaint, no matter what diet your on. You watch whatever he likes on TV; Football, Golf, Top-gear, The Sopranos… & you don’t complain when you miss an episode of Friends or Desperate Housewives. EVER. You still go out all the time, even if this involves driving around the block 50 times pretending you’re at your friend’s. You don’t have your girlfriends over & you have them ring your mobile/cell – NOT his house-phone. Encourage him to go out while you stay home & have a bath. You might suggest he have his guy friends over to watch football, while you go out shopping, does he want anything from the store?… Get the idea? Then before the week is even up you leave. You tell him everything is sorted & you’re going home. Leave while he’s out at work/with his friends too. Turn off the heating, turn off the lights, empty the refrigerator & leave a note saying you had fun & you’ll see him next week.

16. Distance yourself a little over the following month, but be super sexy & glamourous when you do meet up. You could even drop into conversation how you’re surprised one of your married girlfriends said no to her husband’s suggestion of having a threesome or subscribing to a porn channel. I give him a week or two after that & if he still isn’t down on one knee proposing then he’s obviously hopeless. Move on. It’ll work on someone.

____________________________________________________

What’s there to say? This is so completely opposite to anything I believe in, I don’t even know where to begin. Imagine the poor little innocent girl (because I think you have to be a poor little innocent girl to believe any of this crap) finally getting her guy, if this even “works”. What then? Once she’s got him where she wants and they are maried, she can finally be herself, right? I bet that’d be a happy mariage!

Actually, it’s probably a joke. I hope it is. It was on wikiHow and it looks like the articles can be edited by anyone. It ends with some tips and warnings:

Tips

• Don’t be clingy. Don’t be all lovey-dovey either.
• Don’t ask him how you look. Self obsessiveness is unattractive.
• If he compliments you, don’t agree or put yourself down. Just call him cheeky or ask jokingly what he’s after.
• Don’t nag. Don’t bitch. Be nice. Who want’s to marry someone that isn’t nice?
• Don’t dress up loads for him, but don’t turn up anywhere with greasy hair & hairy armpits.
• Don’t use his razors, hair gel, cosmetics etc. You can do annoying things like that after you’re married.
• Have fun & have a sense of humour. No-one wants to marry a square.

Warnings

• It’s advisable not to try this with someone you’ve been seeing for less than 6 months.
• Don’t expect him to succumb right away. Be patient but know where to draw the line.
• Don’t let him take you for granted & don’t be a doormat. If this seems to be happening break things right off.
• Don’t settle down with this guy if you think there’s any chance he could be dishonest or unfaithful.
• Be sure you want to marry him.
• This might backfire and he might leave.

The last warning seems particularly useful.

I have to admit that I’m not in a very “HNT” mood, but the pictures were taken and they are ready to be posted. So what the heck… Here’s to staying positive despite everything.

As usual, don’t forget to click for some extra positiveness. Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

We’re just a week into 2010 and I wanted to talk about my “almost” resolution to start exploring sex and kink with my boy again. I had the same idea last year, though I don’t have much to show for it; our explorations have slowed down to a crawl. Besides, I don’t do the “resolution” thing (which explains the “almost”). Although I might want to reduce the drinking a little. Not stop, mind you. Just not drink as much when I do drink.

But anyway… I think I kinda got lost along the way. Earlier this week, I wrote about some of the things I’ve realized of late, things that just go to show how lost I was relationship-wise. I feel much more grounded these days. Perhaps there are still issues to look into, but I don’t feel so worried over everything. Whatever issue I gotta work on, I’m not so worried about because I know it’ll be OK, with time. Much progress.

I’m thinking our sex life followed the same path, in large part because sex reflects the health of a relationship. But I also think I was going at our D/s games from the wrong angle. Perhaps I wanted to please Boy Toy too much and I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off. I think I kinda felt like I HAD to be kinky. I mean, I always had fun with all our games, and I’m not saying I didn’t actually like any of it, but maybe sometimes it was a little empty or even a little forced, on my side. Maybe that’s why Boy Toy doesn’t seem all that interested these days. Or maybe, like he says, it’s just winter getting to him.

What I think this actually means is I failed at introspection. “I forgot to try and find out what really gets ME off” is the key, here. Looking back, I know many (most) things we did turned me on. I remember when I first locked Boy Toy in a chastity device. It got me wet. And dominating him has often created a noticeable, quite pleasing, throbbing down there… So maybe “empty” and “forced” are too strong here, maybe what I meant was “not well thought out”. I know I liked it, but I don’t know exactly what I liked.

I’ve therefore decided that along with finding myself, I will also work on exploring and understanding my kinks. That sounds like fun… If only I knew how to go about it! I guess that’s also part of the fun

I do know the first step: talk more with Boy Toy. I often feel like he’s not interested in sex and like he doesn’t find me sexy. Nothing to help me want to be kinky… These are probably my own interpretations, and asking him what he actually thinks should help straighten things out. Understanding what goes on in that head of his, what turns him on, what happens when he doesn’t feel like it, should all help me know when and how to approach him and how to take his refusals. Phew!

I do have a few ideas of things I want to get into with Boy Toy. There are beginnings of naughty scenarios in my head… I just have a hard time finishing said scenarios and putting them into action! For instance, I gave him an assignment a couple of months ago:

“Here’s an assignment for you: you are to find a theme for some sexy time together. What I do with the theme is up to me, but you must provide it. If this isn’t clear enough, think about that time I dressed as a sexy policewoman and arrested and questioned you… That would have been my take on the “police” theme.”

He came up with “renovation project” or “home repair guy”. I had beginning of ideas, started to work on something, and… stalled. I still intend on doing it, I just need to figure out WHAT I’ll do to him! Any ideas, anyone? Think “dominatrix needs a handyman” and what she’d do to said handyman if she found him to her liking…

Also, I watched Secretary the other day. I had never seen it before, and I quite enjoyed it. While watching it, I couldn’t help but think that had it been just 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have understood this movie and would have probably thought it fucked up. Funny, how things change! I’m wondering if I shouldn’t recommend it to a non-kinky friend or co-worker, just to see their reaction? *evil grin*

To be honest, I was fascinated by this movie. Very interesting to see the characters’ evolution, and very intriguing also. I gather that the girl never really knew about D/s but what about the guy? I’m not sure what his history was. There must be tons of analysis of this movie online and when I have a bit more time, I’ll check them out. Very curious!

The movie was inspiring, too. After I finished watching it, I couldn’t help but think of things I could do to Boy Toy. I envisionned myself tying him up to a chair and stuffing my underwear in his mouth for a gag. Hmmm… And maybe he needs more rules around this house. Kneel and kiss my feet when I come home from work? Sweep the floor every day? It sure would be nice to have a cleaner house… lol

I need to think about this more. What effect would such rules have on him, and which ones do *I* actually want? Which ones would turn me on? Boy Toy always counters with “It becomes a chore if it’s routine.” Is that really true of everything, and if so, how to get around it? I think I like the idea of a routine much more than he does. I liked it when he knelt in front of me to smoke. I miss it. Perhaps it’d make it hot to him if he knew I insist on it and it pleases me? More things to think about and discuss with him…

I feel like I’m back at square one. I’ve explored kink, now I’m about to start exploring ME.

New year, fresh starts…

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I’ve been meaning to post an actual update for quite a while, but with the Holidays and all, I barely managed to do even HNT. I’ll do my best tonight, even though I’m close to falling asleep as I type this.

So, what’s new in Elle’s world? Not much, really. Well, there isn’t much new in terms of events, but things have been buzzing in my little head. As I’ve mentioned a while back, I sought help to try and untangle the insecure mess I’d become. My therapist asked many good questions and raised several issues, and so far, I’d say it’s helped tremendously. It seems a little strange to me, to say it helped so much after only a few sessions. But the truth is, I feel generally more relaxed and grounded. I have my bouts of insecurity, true, but I don’t seem to throw them at Boy Toy so much, relying on him to make me feel better. Instead, it seems I recognize my insecurity for what it is and sort of wait it out. I usually feel better soon enough. Hell, half the time, PMS is probably to blame! Damn hormones.

I’ve been feeling much more at peace because I realized that I don’t have so much work to do on myself. Not that I’m perfect, quite the contrary. It’s just that whenever an issue would come up between Boy Toy and I, something he didn’t like or agree with, I took it upon myself to try and change that part of me which conflicted with him/us. For instance, if I wanted more affection and we had an argument when I mentioned it, I’d start thinking I had to stop wanting affection so much, that it was somehow bad to want it so much, since it meant I’m too dependent. Plus, it caused problems in my relationship. This is just an example, but I’m sure you can well imagine that after a while, I felt like I had this huge weight on my shoulders. There was so much I needed to change about myself!

Eventually, I started feeling resentful towards Boy Toy and I started demanding that he make some efforts, too. If I had so much “work” to do, then it was only fair that he also work hard at this relationship, right? I don’t think I really knew what I wanted or needed so I just threw any and all demands his way. It didn’t make much sense, and Boy Toy usually seemed quite overwhelmed by my demands. When he wasn’t too overwhelmed and tried to do as I asked, it didn’t really make anything better.

Tensions rose until we nearly broke. There were other factors too, I imagine, but right now I think what I just described was the main problem. Perhaps I’ll have a different theory next week…

I’ve come to this conclusion while I was away, working with the tidbits I’d gathered from my sessions with my therapist. When I came back home, I told Boy Toy that from now on, I would not be backing out of my needs and wants. However, I insisted that this did not mean he was obligated to fulfill them. That was part of the problem before: if I said I wanted more affection, he immediately wondered at how much to give versus how much he already gave and he felt discouraged, and probably inadequate. I’m only guessing about his feelings here, but it seems to make sense.

With this in mind, I think Boy Toy has to remember that it’s OK to not give me everything I ask for. He has to realize that when I do ask for something, I’m just communicating. I’m telling him about how I feel and he is free to do what he wants with what I’ve told him. There should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on his part if he can’t fulfill all of my needs. And there should be no guilt or feelings of inadequacy on my part for wanting the things I want.

Sounds much more simple and healthy, no?

There are other things I need to work on, such as how to express what I want and need, but this right here certainly seems like the biggest piece of the puzzle – and with it in place, we can now work on having more kinky sex.

Time for bed?