More kinky matters
I was going to answer some of the comments I got on my last post, Kinky matters, but it was getting long and so deserved its own post.
First, thanks to everyone who commented. Your comments are always thought-provoking – and helpful!
roo-roo in particular went against the general consensus regarding locking up my Boy Toy while I’m away for the Holidays:
To counter the internet propaganda, I want to say I’m glad you’re thinking of his needs and desires when considering whether to lock him up while you’re away.
Personally, I have to wonder if it’d be worth it. Wouldn’t you rather lock him up while you’re there with him, able to tease, play, and enjoy his chastity? From my experience, chastity + distance = bland. But it may not be that way for you two, as things can vary with each couple.
I think roo-roo’s right when he says I’d enjoy it more if I was around. Not only that, but I agree that it is important to take into consideration his needs and desires…
That being said, I tested the waters by mentioning quite a few times that I’d lock him up when I left. He didn’t seem to warm up to the idea, gave me all kinds of lame excuses (can’t go to his parents wearing big baggy army pants…). It’s hard to tell if his no actually meant yes. I kinda thought so, until I mentioned it again and he said he was a bit thoughtful and mixed up these days, he feels we have issues to discuss and understand better and it might not be the best of times to play this game.
The worse part is, when he told me this, I had already decided to do the opposite: not only leave him unlocked while I’m gone, but also allow him to masturbate. It’s been a rule between us for a long, long time now that he isn’t allowed to masturbate (or rather, orgasm) unless I let him. And I never let him, unless it’s with me. I kinda like being responsible for all his orgasms. But I thought, why not give him a break? Plus, I wouldn’t be around, which would really give him free rein. After all, when would he masturbate if I’m always here? He’s too shy to do it in front of me and we share the same bed, the same shower, etc. And so, I continued pushing the “locked up” idea, with the intention of surprising him with my special Christmas gift on the day I left.
This unfortunately backfired when he said he was mixed up these days.
Frankly, when he first said this, I was a bit hurt. I guess I just don’t know how to take what I saw as his rejection of my domination. It’s hard not to see it as rejection and remember that it’s about his needs and desires, as roo-roo put it. When he said we had things to think through and discuss, my first thought was that I’m not very good at the Domme thing; I can’t even figure out if his no means yes, if the timing’s not right, etc. And when I do try to impose my wants on him, he doesn’t obey. Humph.
My second thought was that the “things to think through and discuss” mean our relationship’s going badly. Very scary, for me. But Boy Toy assured me that the fact that he wants to think about things to understand them better is a good thing. Ok, but that still means my plan got all screwed up!
I went to see him, a little later, and told him what I had intended. He barely reacted, which twisted the knife just a bit more. Then he asked why I looked sad about it. But how to explain it? I just… felt sad. Sad that my plan didn’t work, that things seemed so complicated, that communication between us is so hard…
But then, relationships are always a learning process. Always. And these days, I’m learning a hell of a lot. I think we both are and I think it’s a very good thing.
<3
Category: Denial, Ramblings | 
6 Comments »
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:51 am
If his no means yes, then he really needs to work on his communication skills. It’s not right to expect you to be psychic.
I never meant to imply that it’s [i]only[/i] about his desires. It’s about what you [i]both[/i] want. When both of your desires match up, that’s when things work best.
It’s good that he was up front about needing to work on other stuff first; it could’ve caused problems had you locked him up feeling that way and not knowing it. But to me, it doesn’t sound like a rejection of your domliness, or that you’re not doing it right or anything like that. It just says there are things that need to be worked out before reincorporating chastity. The hard part (from my perspective) seems to be finding a way to talk about things that works for both of you.
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Aw, what does roo-roo know about subbing, anyway?
Seriously, after reflecting on the last few months of your posts, I’m wondering if BT isn’t having doubts because it’s working better, albeit *differently* than he thought it would. That is, he introduced you to kink, and you took the ball and not only ran with it, but began playing your own game. That can be unnerving because he no longer has the control that he expected.
If he has some issues about having to wear baggy pants at the holidays (although it hasn’t affected me very much, so I’m not sure what the real problem could be), you might allow him to be uncaged, but disallow wanking expect by specific permission (a mid-week telephone call, for example).
Actually, he’s got this whole love/hate thing going on with the chastity devices, hasn’t he? Hmmm.
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
roo-roo: I was thinking his no might mean yes in a “I’m afraid of this thing, yet I find it hot, yet I can’t admit it” sort of way. Boy Toy can be a little like that, he’s shy about some things.
His being upfront about working on other stuff first is good communication, I think. It’s just me who’s so insecure that this sort of comment brings me fear. I guess I didn’t think we were “working” on something serious enough to prevent us from doing chastity.
But if he says he’s not in the frame of mind for it, I’ll respect that. It’s not to say that I care only about his needs and wants, but if he doesn’t feel like playing this game, then I don’t feel like it either. It’s got to be hot to him for it to be hot to me.
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Tom: That’s a point worth thinking about. It could be that the level of submissiveness he feels scares him? Or something. One thing is for sure, I didn’t think any of this was about *his* control over the situation
As for the baggy pants… I tend to think it’s a lame excuse because the chastity cage really scares him. If he hadn’t brought up the “issues to think about” thing, I probably would have ignored his complaints.
But yeah. I’ll give him complete freedom while I’m gone, instead. A gift. He hasn’t been able to jerk off in forever. When I come back, I can have a talk with him about his true feelings towards the device. Does he really have a love/hate thing for it? Or is it just normal that sometimes he’s just not in the mood? Need to work on that communication
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Something to consider, when my partner locks me up and then leaves town or is gone for a day, without any “encouragement” it pretty much sucks. I don’t enjoy it. That might be one reason for the lack of enthusiasm.
I enjoy chastity play when it’s play, not when it’s locking me up and leaving me out to dry for a day or two.
My two cents.
January 6th, 2010 at 7:13 am
LoBokGou: I meant to reply to this a long time ago…
I agree with you, and thanks for the insight. I think perhaps I should talk with him about it, sometime soon. What you say sounds true to me, but everyone’s different… I need to be a bit more aware of how Boy Toy feels about this