Doing it wrong?
Sometimes the Internet can be a curse as much as a blessing. There are so many D/s blogs out there, and more than a few are some half (if not completely) fantasized version of a female-led relationship, or FLR for the initiate. I’ve found it easy to read about guys giving their wives/girlfriends foot rubs, massages or manicures, doing all the house-cleaning and cooking while their wives/girlfriends fucked hot, young studs, and think “Wow, I must be doing this wrong!” Because I don’t get foot massages or manicures, and I don’t get any stud but Boy Toy. And although he does quite his share of cooking, dishes and laundry, so do I! What’s worse, I enjoy spoiling my guy, and he isn’t the gift-giving kinda man.
So there you have it, I plead guilty. I admit I’ve sometimes let myself be influenced enough by whatever I read online to think I must be doing it wrong, or I must be a pretty bad Domme indeed.
What made me think about this today is Tom’s humorous response to Unspeakable Axe’s latest post. Because according to the hardcore FLR advocates out there, a real dominant woman certainly wouldn’t prepare her slave’s lunch and leave him cute little notes…
In my case, it’s my own insecurity, as well as my failure to talk with Boy Toy about my fears, which has led me to occasionally question my “performance” as a “Domme”. It was intimidating to start a relationship with an experienced kinkster and when he told me he easily gets bored in bed, the pressure was on. Of course, I might have felt less pressured if I’d asked him what he meant by “bored”, or what he’d do if he did get bored – but that’s another story. Basically, I started into this thinking I must learn, I must be good at this, and sure, I did some exploring and discovering with Boy Toy, we had plenty of good, fun times, but I also turned to the net, which, as I said, can be a curse as much as a blessing. There are great resources out there, but there’s pretty bad ones too.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve alternated between not giving a fuck about how others do “it”, and worrying that I wasn’t doing it right or enough. When we’re going through rough times especially, I tend to think that if he was truly my submissive, he’d want to take more care of me, of my needs. These days, I’m feeling quite more relaxed and I believe we should fix our issues first, think kink later. Or at least, think kink when we feel like playing.
What worries me is that I’m probably not the most likely person to fall prey to this kind of thinking – I tend to inform myself well and I DO have a good Boy Toy who doesn’t (knowingly) pressure me into anything. So if I’ve sometimes let myself go there, how many others do too? How many people have turned away from kink because the first site they stumbled upon was stupid? Or simply because, without being wrong or stupid, it wasn’t their cup of tea?
I think the first lesson anyone into kink, BDSM, FLR, or vanilla sex for that matter, should ever be taught is that there is no “doing it wrong”. They must explore their own desires and learn what they like, not what others do and how they go about it. It can sometimes be a good source or inspiration, but it cannot be more than that.
Category: Domination, Ramblings | 
9 Comments »
November 4th, 2009 at 12:52 am
In my owners case, she likes to take care of her property:)
November 4th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Same here, axe
November 4th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I am guilty of the same. I admire (and am envious) of Domme’s who seem to ‘have it all together’ and do it perfectly. Mainly I’m envious of the ones who seem MUCH less ‘girl’ than I am…..bc I come with all these emotions and doubts and hormones that get in the way. LOL
November 4th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Well said. Most of the blogs and sites out there that preach this totalitarian fantasy were written by people with no actual experience in the real world.
Sure, a few couples are that extreme, but that’s rare. The majority have a situation similar to you and BT- an actual relationship based primarily on love, not on d/s. But the majority of these couples don’t have blogs and don’t frequent the online side of it because of all the unrealistic crap. Their stories never get told unless you know them in person.
It can be like pushing against a wall trying to inject some real-world sense into these overblown fantasies so prevalent online.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I once had a lover who got her ideas about femdom from the usual sources. She had no problem abusing and torturing me, but she had this weird thing about having intercourse. She used to apologize all the time, saying that she must be a bad domme because she liked the feel of me inside her, and enjoyed coming that way.
Everybody knows, of course, that a True Domme® would never think about actually having, let alone enjoying sex with her sub.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Your last paragraph states it all well. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Don’t play games (in the negative sense) but do play games (in the fun sense) And go on and enjoy life.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Vixen: Thank god I’m not alone! I was a bit shy about admitting this…
roo-roo: there are some good blogs out there, but too much crap, I agree. It’s too bad for the beginners like me who might let that intimidate or scare them away.
Tom: That’s kinda cute and funny, about your ex-lover.
And you should definitely trademark “True Domme®”.
Ben: Yes! Unfortunately, I get so hung up on things sometimes I simply forget to have fun.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:31 am
It’s really bad, the “one true way” thing. It’s sort of natural in all areas of life (parenting, religion, driving, you name it) for people to feel they know how it should best be done. But, at least in kink, it doesn’t work that way at all. There are things some people find hot (e.g., unfair punishment) that would make my relationship blow up, and there are things about our relationship that wouldn’t work for other people.
You can use other people for inspiration and ideas but, as hard as it is, you really do have to work out for yourself what you enjoy. (And by “you” I mean not just you individually but you as a couple.)
November 7th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Dev: Yes, totally agree. I guess what I was saying is, I know this intellectually, but I still sometimes let myself get caught…