Sometimes the Internet can be a curse as much as a blessing. There are so many D/s blogs out there, and more than a few are some half (if not completely) fantasized version of a female-led relationship, or FLR for the initiate. I’ve found it easy to read about guys giving their wives/girlfriends foot rubs, massages or manicures, doing all the house-cleaning and cooking while their wives/girlfriends fucked hot, young studs, and think “Wow, I must be doing this wrong!” Because I don’t get foot massages or manicures, and I don’t get any stud but Boy Toy. And although he does quite his share of cooking, dishes and laundry, so do I! What’s worse, I enjoy spoiling my guy, and he isn’t the gift-giving kinda man.
So there you have it, I plead guilty. I admit I’ve sometimes let myself be influenced enough by whatever I read online to think I must be doing it wrong, or I must be a pretty bad Domme indeed.
What made me think about this today is Tom’s humorous response to Unspeakable Axe’s latest post. Because according to the hardcore FLR advocates out there, a real dominant woman certainly wouldn’t prepare her slave’s lunch and leave him cute little notes…
In my case, it’s my own insecurity, as well as my failure to talk with Boy Toy about my fears, which has led me to occasionally question my “performance” as a “Domme”. It was intimidating to start a relationship with an experienced kinkster and when he told me he easily gets bored in bed, the pressure was on. Of course, I might have felt less pressured if I’d asked him what he meant by “bored”, or what he’d do if he did get bored – but that’s another story. Basically, I started into this thinking I must learn, I must be good at this, and sure, I did some exploring and discovering with Boy Toy, we had plenty of good, fun times, but I also turned to the net, which, as I said, can be a curse as much as a blessing. There are great resources out there, but there’s pretty bad ones too.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve alternated between not giving a fuck about how others do “it”, and worrying that I wasn’t doing it right or enough. When we’re going through rough times especially, I tend to think that if he was truly my submissive, he’d want to take more care of me, of my needs. These days, I’m feeling quite more relaxed and I believe we should fix our issues first, think kink later. Or at least, think kink when we feel like playing.
What worries me is that I’m probably not the most likely person to fall prey to this kind of thinking – I tend to inform myself well and I DO have a good Boy Toy who doesn’t (knowingly) pressure me into anything. So if I’ve sometimes let myself go there, how many others do too? How many people have turned away from kink because the first site they stumbled upon was stupid? Or simply because, without being wrong or stupid, it wasn’t their cup of tea?
I think the first lesson anyone into kink, BDSM, FLR, or vanilla sex for that matter, should ever be taught is that there is no “doing it wrong”. They must explore their own desires and learn what they like, not what others do and how they go about it. It can sometimes be a good source or inspiration, but it cannot be more than that.
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