I feel a bit silly referring to myself as a “Domme”, I’m not really fussy on titles and capitalization. But “dom” sounds even sillier to me, sounds masculine too, so Domme I am.

Today was to be the day Boy Toy starts his 1 week term as my “slave”. But I’ve had a bad week, stress and hormones mixing together to turn me into an emotional mess, and instead of telling Boy Toy “I’m not doing that great”, I lashed out at him, bitched at everything. Go me! *sigh*

To men out there, I cannot  stress this enough: the hormones DO make us different. I feel so calm and zen the rest of the time but then, all of a sudden, I’ll be miserable, EVERYTHING will feel like something negative towards me and from there, it’s a downward spiral.

In terms of kink, this has set us back a little. As I said, I was planning on today to be the day. After my post about assignments, I decided I needed to discuss them with Boy Toy, to negotiate. I felt completely insecure, at a loss. Because the last time we played turned out badly, because we waited so long to start again and because Boy Toy spoke about more structure, last weekend (something I feel I’m not that great at), I didn’t feel much confidence in my “dominant abilities”.  I needed some sort of reassurance from Boy Toy that I was on the right path with these ideas. Besides, things SHOULD be negotiated beforehand. I wanted to know if these things were hot to him and how far I could go. I wanted to know how we would deal with his work, how he could tell me he needed time to finish something. And I needed to know that he was into this.

I started by asking him about the house chores, if he would feel turned on being made to clean up the house, or if he would feel taken advantage of. He didn’t hate the idea, made a few suggestions of his own. He told me that when I give an order, I should be more assertive. The way I understand this is, rather than saying “I think you should do this naked”, I should say “Strip naked” in a very authoritative way, leaving no doubt as to who is the boss. And I do it… sometimes. But it is true that at other times, I go with the “I think you should…” phrase. It probably has to do with my lack of self-confidence, but also with the fact that I believe being my Boy Toy should mean wanting to please me above all else. Perhaps I get this from reading male-sub blogs, but it seems logical to me. So when I say “I think I’d like this…”, I sorta expect him to be so eager to please that he’ll  jump and do it. I told him this.

But then, my insecurity surfaced: he wasn’t telling me he likes my ideas and he likes my methods. Rather, he was giving me all this advice, which made me feel like I had to change everything around. I lost confidence completely, which I didn’t really have in the first place, and when I told him so, he said “Don’t do it then.” Not what I needed to hear… If you’ll remember, after last time’s disaster, I wanted him to beg for my domination. I needed to know, to really know, that he craved this, that he found it HOT. He hasn’t begged, though, he’s too shy, and after a while I decided to go ahead anyway. But then he tells me not to do it? Forget it, any shred of confidence I may have had flew right out the window.

How can this be? How can I be his “Domme” but need his reassurance so much? Sometimes it makes me feel like such a fraud. I like it when he does as I say, don’t get me wrong, but on the emotional level, I sometimes feel like HE is the Dom and I, the sub.

So things are stalled somewhat, for now. I did tell him, the day after the above conversation, that I needed positive feedback, that I needed to know I’m doing it right. He said he’d try.

Then later on, we were in the shower together and I grabbed his cock. He couldn’t pull away. We were finished showering and the water wasn’t running anymore. I held on, looking at him defiantly. After a minute or so, he started squirming, looking shy. That’s when I know he’s getting subby, when he’s looking shy. “Do you want me to let you go?” I asked him. Eyes downcast, he said yes. “Then beg for it.” His eyes met mine for a heartbeat, and he said: “Please, can I go?” I decided to go a little further with this, I told him to kneel, and he did. I had to bend down so as not to lose my grip. When he had asked again and was back on his feet, I finally let go. “What do you say? And look at me in the eye, when you say it.” And he looked me in the eye and thanked his Owner for letting him go.

A few minutes later, I asked: “So, was that how you do it?” Yes, yes it was. So who knows, there might yet be hope for me. For now, we’re still stalled. If we are to go forward with his being totally mine for a week, we will have to talk again, first. We’ll see.