I just re-read my last post and I’m almost tempted to delete it. I won’t, though. It is how I felt at the moment. Deleting it and pretending like I hadn’t had a crazy-hormone-episode and failed to resist the temptation to blog about it just doesn’t seem honest to me. I’d rather leave my craziness right there in the open, that way I have no choice but to deal with it!

I remember sitting right where I’m sitting at this moment, feeling so very angry and wanting to blog all about it. I kinda thought it might not be a good idea, that it might be mean and unfair to Boy Toy, but the hormones won. It’s not really that I was angry for nothing, it’s that my anger was disproportionate – just like every other emotion during that time of the month. Sure, it sucked that he went out on Friday night when I would have liked to spend the evening with him, but so what? It’s not that big of a deal. Like Boy Toy always says, we spend a lot of other time together.

Truth is, I’m fairly zen, the rest of the month. Or at least I try to be. We had a bit of a rough patch a little while back but for the last 5-6 weeks, things have been pretty awesome. Not as much sex or kink as I would like (there’s never enough of that), but no fighting. I think I kinda decided to let go of all the things I was hung up on. I felt extremely insecure and, as a result, unhappy. Perhaps predictably, with less worries, no arguing and demanding all the time, Boy Toy became more affectionate.

Deep down, I knew that my asking for more time together, more affection, more communication, etc, etc, etc, only pushed him away. I knew that if I could just sit tight and be patient, he’d come around. But it’s hard, so hard to do. I never was the patient type.

But we’re in that good zone, now, and I’m hoping it’ll last a good while. I’m sure we’ll hit another rough patch eventually, these things come and go. For now, I’ll just enjoy living with my Boy Toy.

All that being said, we still haven’t returned to our old kinky selves. My little PMS episode from this weekend actually ended up helping things along, though, since we got to talk a little about kink. Following our discussion, I’m thinking I might have to abandon the idea of waiting until he begs for my domination. He won’t do it without a lot of prodding, he’s just too shy.

But let me back up a bit, it might help explain things. Friday night, I asked Boy Toy what I should do if I find we don’t have enough sex. Should I talk to him about it, or simply initiate more? He seemed to think that taking action was a good plan. He suggested I do things that turn him on, to which I replied that I’m not really sure what does the trick for him. I asked him to give me some examples and the first thing he said was to tease him by wearing a short skirt. I took it completely the wrong way, thinking he meant wearing a short skirt to go out, something I don’t always feel comfortable doing. Depends on my mood, you know? I have a bit of an issue with the fact that some of the longer skirts I have, (as in, knee-length) are totally sexy to me but not to him because they’re not short. It bugs the hell out of me. Sexy does not have to mean showing as much skin as you dare! But since it’s the feeling I get from him whenever I ask, it’s a bit of a sensitive issue between us. It’s easy and simple to him, it’s loaded and complicated to me. All sorts of things having to do with body image, feeling like an object (not in the good way), etc.

So anyway, when he mentioned wearing a short skirt, I got pissed off, said something like it doesn’t always have to be about showing skin and stormed off. I realize now that this isn’t the most constructive way to hold a conversation… Turns out this is what had Boy Toy practically ignoring me, Saturday morning. He was frustrated that I would ask him a question, then get angry at his answer. I think he was oblivious to everything else that had me worried and worked up (see my last post).

It’s when he finally joined me Saturday afternoon that he told me why he was pissed. So we talked about what would turn him on, and I tried to listen this time. He gave another example: having him as my slave all weekend. “But you will have to beg, for that”, I told him. He replied that he’s too shy. All well and good but… I’m still a little sore after what happened last time. I mean, he’s the one who wanted all this kinky stuff in the first place. If it wasn’t for him, I’m pretty sure I’d still be Miss Vanilla. Mix that fact with my own insecurity, and the result isn’t pretty. I want to make sure next time I dominate him, I will not be rejected. I told him as much. But from his answers, I’m now convinced he will not beg unless I make him.

So I think I will come up with a little something special for my Boy Toy. He WILL beg. In the meantime, I will continue teasing him. I had him wear his cock ring almost all day yesterday. A little more talk would not go amiss either. As rossk mentions in a comment to my previous post, we should probably discuss what happens if things stall again.

And on that note, time for bed!