This is the last of my “Cops & Robbers” series. I tried to tell a story with the pictures. It was a rather thin story line, but I thought you could fill in the blanks with your imagination. I only tried to provide you with a good start.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures as much as I did, and as much as I enjoyed taking them. By the time our session was done, Boy Toy was positively dripping… I guess the Houdini and handcuffs have that kind of an effect on him.

Now, I gotta think of something for next week!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I am seriously considering having Boy Toy serve me for a one week term, very soon. Might even take him for two weeks, since he owes me as much.

While I am toying with the notion, I’m coming up with a few ideas of things to have him do during his service. I’m thinking of assignments, perhaps one assignment a day. It could be a different one every day, which I would only reveal at the time he has to perform his task, or it could be a list of 3 or 4 tasks which he would have to memorize. I could then say something like “Ok, time for your daily task. Go ahead and do number 3.” Forgetting what said number stands for would grant him punishment. I wonder which is hotter, for a submissive? I imagine it depends on one’s personal preferences, but if anyone has an opinion, I’d love to read it. For me, both sound hot.

Then there is the idea of imposing a certain appearance or posture. When I come home from work, he is almost invariably upstairs working on his computer. There might be something there… Like having to come downstairs to greet me (which he doesn’t always do, sometimes he’s deep in his code). I think I’d like him to come kneel in front of me and stay in position until I release him. Or something. Yeah, this is definitely a possibility.

As for appearance, it could be a piece of clothing, but preferably a collar or wrist restraints which lock. A little tricky however, because he might have to get out of the house for errands during the day. We do have this slave collar that’s not too hardcore. Maybe it’s a little feminine for my manly Boy Toy, though. We have various cock and ball devices, as well: the CB6000, the Houdini (which you’ve seen in my recent HNT pictures), a very pretty “designer” cock ring, an oval ball stretcher, and I believe he has one of these ball stretchers as well, which I’ve never used on him. I could definitely make him wear one of these for a while.

I might also like to have him exercise. Say, 90 sit ups a day. But while wearing one of the items mentioned above. After all, I like my Boy Toy to have nice abs…

Foot massages are on my list. Regular massages and pussy worship, too. I also kinda like it when he washes and shaves me.

Oh! I could tie him up and bring myself to orgasm with my vibrator while he watches, helpless. And in that case, there probably wouldn’t be any orgasm at all for him during his service. Gotta make sure he’s all good and worked up. Besides, orgasm denial is always hot.

Hmm I think I may even take advantage of the situation and have him do a real nice house cleaning. Provide him with a list of chores, maybe.

What do you all think? What do you find hot in the things I’ve enumerated, and why? And what would you suggest?

I had a bit of a talk with Boy Toy the other night while we were having supper. Following some advice I got in my comments to a previous post, I asked him what would happen when we take up the kinky stuff and things stall as they did last time. As rossk pointed out, we need to know where the limits are and how to deal with issues if they arise. As a matter of fact, rossk gave this same advice 3 months ago, when we “stalled”, but at the time, Boy Toy refused to talk about it since he needed to think it through.

I’m no expert, but the way I see D/s, it’s very much about pushing limits. I love to see him get turned on by something I had to impose on him because he’s too shy to ask for it or do it on his own. It’s all about the mindfuck. Last time I tried a little game on him, I was perfectly aware that he was very uncomfortable with having to masturbate in front of me. I know him, I know this is something he’s very shy about, and this is why I decided to play this game. I was intentionally pushing him past his limits.

I told him as much, the other night, and he explained that he had to stop, take a “break”, to figure out what was wrong with him, which apparently was that I’d gotten angry at him. He said that before, but that’s a pretty vague and rather incomplete answer if you ask me. So I decided to dig a little. I wanted to know what really happened. I mean, if you’re someone’s sub, quitting in the middle of the game is not something you do lightly, I’m sure, especially when he wasn’t safe-wording, this wasn’t a hard limit of his. I played on this, telling him that being my Boy Toy means he must do as I say, otherwise what’s the point? I asked him how he thought I felt, that time, that he just up and decided to stop playing, giving up on all our established rules and protocoles, as if I had no say. I was exaggerating, knowing that in the end, this IS a game and if he needs to stop, he stops. But by playfully pushing like this, I was hoping to get him to open up some. And I liked how it made him all subby, too.

Being the good submissive that he is, he agreed with me, but I relented, wanting to actually communicate. With a softer demeanor, I asked him for his suggestions on how to deal with this next time. And one thing he proposed was a safe-word, but with consequences. It’s an idea I will try to keep in mind.

We continued talking and from his answers, I gather that the problem is lack of structure, which led to too much D/s. He says we were “on” all the time. I started to object, but he held fast. It’s not that we were constantly having kinky sex. No, it’s that I could decide to order him around any time. On a whim, I could tell him to put on the CB6000. And he would do it. Basically, play time could be anytime, there was no clear definition of when it starts and when it ends.

Ugh. I kinda had the idea that domination should be more structured, and this is one of the reasons I don’t think I’m a good Domme. I often read Dev, from Devastating Yet Inconsequential, among other bloggers, and I admire how she seems to have the structure part down perfectly. Her and Jos’ rules appear to be plenty, and very clear. Kudos to them, seriously, because that’s exactly the part I struggle with. I tend to go with the flow, act on my whims. I don’t think it’s wrong, exactly, but Boy Toy needs more structure. He needs for it to be clear that now, we’re playing, and at this specific time, the game will be over. And it can’t be all the time; he is a very independent individual, he must have free reign to do as he pleases, when he pleases. Seems contradictory with his submissive nature but I guess they can cohabit, provided we find the right balance. And clear instructions.

Unfortunately, that part is a problem for me. Coming up with rules, writing a contract – I’m not good at it. I’m not sure if I lack the discipline, the concentration, the imagination… or what. Last week I mentioned a new contract might be on the way and you know what? I haven’t written a word of it yet. I still haven’t come up with any conditions I’d like to include! Part of it is a lack of time, I imagine. There are so many things I want to do in a day, I never manage to get to everything. But the bottom line is, I’m good at improvising, I’m not good at planning.

I will make an effort, though.

I also need to be more structured in my explorations. I would probably learn a whole lot more if I stopped on one aspect for a while and experimented with it systematically. You know. As it is, my dominance is so… scatterbrained. It’s no wonder I still feel like I don’t know very much, even after two years with Boy Toy.

Another idea which came out of this conversation is alternating between periods where he is my slave/Boy Toy, and periods where we are just plain vanilla. For instance, 2 weeks of slavery and 2 weeks of freedom. This would give him plenty of “free” time and he would know exactly when the D/s is on, as well as let us examine how things went or what could change, when we’re “off”. An idea worthy of further examination.

In the meantime, he still owes me 2 weeks as my slave, from I don’t even remember when, and I’m thinking of taking him up on this next week. Have to plan things I’d like to do to him, though, which is always a little hard for me. I would like to establish a few rules, maybe. Like how to address me, what he should wear, stuff like that. If anyone has anything to suggest, I’d be happy to read it.

So, there’s been progress and we might actually get down and dirty, soon. Yay!

My “robber” isn’t putting up much resistance anymore. That’s a good boy.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

I just re-read my last post and I’m almost tempted to delete it. I won’t, though. It is how I felt at the moment. Deleting it and pretending like I hadn’t had a crazy-hormone-episode and failed to resist the temptation to blog about it just doesn’t seem honest to me. I’d rather leave my craziness right there in the open, that way I have no choice but to deal with it!

I remember sitting right where I’m sitting at this moment, feeling so very angry and wanting to blog all about it. I kinda thought it might not be a good idea, that it might be mean and unfair to Boy Toy, but the hormones won. It’s not really that I was angry for nothing, it’s that my anger was disproportionate – just like every other emotion during that time of the month. Sure, it sucked that he went out on Friday night when I would have liked to spend the evening with him, but so what? It’s not that big of a deal. Like Boy Toy always says, we spend a lot of other time together.

Truth is, I’m fairly zen, the rest of the month. Or at least I try to be. We had a bit of a rough patch a little while back but for the last 5-6 weeks, things have been pretty awesome. Not as much sex or kink as I would like (there’s never enough of that), but no fighting. I think I kinda decided to let go of all the things I was hung up on. I felt extremely insecure and, as a result, unhappy. Perhaps predictably, with less worries, no arguing and demanding all the time, Boy Toy became more affectionate.

Deep down, I knew that my asking for more time together, more affection, more communication, etc, etc, etc, only pushed him away. I knew that if I could just sit tight and be patient, he’d come around. But it’s hard, so hard to do. I never was the patient type.

But we’re in that good zone, now, and I’m hoping it’ll last a good while. I’m sure we’ll hit another rough patch eventually, these things come and go. For now, I’ll just enjoy living with my Boy Toy.

All that being said, we still haven’t returned to our old kinky selves. My little PMS episode from this weekend actually ended up helping things along, though, since we got to talk a little about kink. Following our discussion, I’m thinking I might have to abandon the idea of waiting until he begs for my domination. He won’t do it without a lot of prodding, he’s just too shy.

But let me back up a bit, it might help explain things. Friday night, I asked Boy Toy what I should do if I find we don’t have enough sex. Should I talk to him about it, or simply initiate more? He seemed to think that taking action was a good plan. He suggested I do things that turn him on, to which I replied that I’m not really sure what does the trick for him. I asked him to give me some examples and the first thing he said was to tease him by wearing a short skirt. I took it completely the wrong way, thinking he meant wearing a short skirt to go out, something I don’t always feel comfortable doing. Depends on my mood, you know? I have a bit of an issue with the fact that some of the longer skirts I have, (as in, knee-length) are totally sexy to me but not to him because they’re not short. It bugs the hell out of me. Sexy does not have to mean showing as much skin as you dare! But since it’s the feeling I get from him whenever I ask, it’s a bit of a sensitive issue between us. It’s easy and simple to him, it’s loaded and complicated to me. All sorts of things having to do with body image, feeling like an object (not in the good way), etc.

So anyway, when he mentioned wearing a short skirt, I got pissed off, said something like it doesn’t always have to be about showing skin and stormed off. I realize now that this isn’t the most constructive way to hold a conversation… Turns out this is what had Boy Toy practically ignoring me, Saturday morning. He was frustrated that I would ask him a question, then get angry at his answer. I think he was oblivious to everything else that had me worried and worked up (see my last post).

It’s when he finally joined me Saturday afternoon that he told me why he was pissed. So we talked about what would turn him on, and I tried to listen this time. He gave another example: having him as my slave all weekend. “But you will have to beg, for that”, I told him. He replied that he’s too shy. All well and good but… I’m still a little sore after what happened last time. I mean, he’s the one who wanted all this kinky stuff in the first place. If it wasn’t for him, I’m pretty sure I’d still be Miss Vanilla. Mix that fact with my own insecurity, and the result isn’t pretty. I want to make sure next time I dominate him, I will not be rejected. I told him as much. But from his answers, I’m now convinced he will not beg unless I make him.

So I think I will come up with a little something special for my Boy Toy. He WILL beg. In the meantime, I will continue teasing him. I had him wear his cock ring almost all day yesterday. A little more talk would not go amiss either. As rossk mentions in a comment to my previous post, we should probably discuss what happens if things stall again.

And on that note, time for bed!

The evil PMS monster is making itself felt these days. Fear not, I haven’t had a fight with Boy Toy or anything like that, but I’m extra sensitive and I would need him to be extra attentive.

Thing is, Boy Toy is not the attentive type. THAT’s where the monster bites. Or rather, Boy Toy isn’t the type of person to whom I can explain all this. And if he probably notices when I’m feeling bad, he does not ask me about it.

Granted, I’m really, really bad at this explaining my feelings stuff. I’m much better in writing. But to face him and tell him exactly how I feel? I’m horrible at it. It doesn’t help that we are so very different, that he does not relate with anything I try to convey.

I feel like I’m not allowed to want anything. But oh, how do I wish he was more caring. I do not mean to make him sound bad; he’s great. He can be really sweet, and I know he tries. It’s just not in him to be the guy who’ll stick around on a Friday night when his girlfriend has the (PMS induced) blues. Last night for instance, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said “spend the evening with you”. Later, when his friend had called, proposing to hang out (like every Friday without exception), Boy Toy asked me if I wanted to go to said friend’s place. I said no. He asked me if I wanted said friend to come over and I said no. So he replied “Ok, I’ll go to X’s place for a bit, then.” And he put on his coat and left me to myself.

I’m kind of angry that he totally ignored what I wanted. I’m kind of tired that he always does. It’s what HE wants that always goes first. He’s one of those people with the philosophy that when you’re miserable, why make others miserable too? Total freedom, that’s what he believes in. Of course, that’s great – for him. Whenever he wants to go out, God forbid I do anything that gets in the way of that. Whatever he wants must be had, but I cannot even SAY what I want. It does not strike me as being fair.

And you know what? I’m sick of it. A little bit of consideration, please! I do NOT want him to stay home and be miserable with me. That’s what he believes, if I say anything about his plans. That’s grossly oversimplifying things, and completely disregarding my feelings. It angers me so. It angers me that he does not understand: I do not want him to stick around and be miserable with me, I want him to care. It’s so obvious. Yet I’ve told him this and told him this, but he does not get it. How can I get it through to him that acting like he cares that I feel bad, asking me about it, sitting with me (even for just a few minutes before he does go out), would make a world of difference? How can he not understand this? How can he not know this?

It’s simple, really. It’s the act of caring itself that makes me feel better. Not whatever solution he comes up with, not being miserable with me.

And he wonders why I sometimes (often) doubt he loves me.

This morning is not any better. I’ve been up for almost an hour and I’ve been pretty much ignored. I have a feeling he’s angry at me for the way I acted when he went out last night (I felt so very sad and could not hide it) but when I asked if he’s pissed, he said no. And then went upstairs, leaving me to my own devices. It’s not very cheerful here right now.

It could also be that he’s acting up because I had a little talk with him last night. I mentioned that I wish we had more sex. Once a week is not enough for me… I need more affection, more contact than that. How can I get this through to him without making him feel like he’s being criticized? I don’t know, but apparently I did not succeed. I told him a few things last night, about how often we have sex, how he doesn’t massage me or go down on me anymore, and his reply was “Do I do anything right?”

Again, anger. Can he not listen to what I’m saying, try to understand the needs I’m describing, instead of immediately assuming he’s inadequate? Maybe the problem is that he is over-sensitive, underneath the very uncaring exterior?

I don’t know. All I know is that right now, I feel alone and I want to cry.

This post was brought to you by the crazy effect hormones can have during PMS, especially when taking a new birth-control pill.

Bet you were all wondering what I was up to with my last HNT? I was fighting crime. That’s right, caught a robber right in the act! And I’m not even done, there will be two more installments to this series.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

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Now, as a counter to last week’s theme regarding what we perceive as our flaws or imperfections, Hubman and Veronica (Another Suburban Mom) have now decided to highlight favorite body parts. It’s a good idea, it’ll force whoever decides to participate to look at themselves with a positive outlook, which isn’t always easy considering how critical people often are towards themselves.

I wasn’t going to participate, since I had my cops & robbers pictures all lined up. But what the hell, who said I can’t post an extra photo?

I, like many others, am very critical with myself and I find it extremely difficult to say anything good about my body, my face, my hair… I tend to disbelieve whatever compliments I get, I dismiss them quite quickly. While I do not hate the way I look 100% of the time, I’d say about half the time I worry about it. The rest of the time I’m pretty happy, or at least indifferent.

Still, I pretty much never say a certain part of me looks good, except… my back. For some reason, for years I’ve said I liked my back. Perhaps only because it’s a “safe” or “neutral” body part to like? I’m not sure. In any case, it’s the part I decided to highlight.

And then, as I was walking home from work today, I ran into a disabled guy. While he could walk, his limbs seemed somewhat deformed and his features, too. Hard to describe it, but he walked quite crookedly, and, and… And I thought of the blog posts I’ve read about our “flaws”, I thought how insecure I am, how I worry about my body, and I was ashamed.

Truth is, I’m fucking lucky. I should appreciate it, quit worrying and be happy.

Things are moving along. Yup, I think there is definite progress: I’m convinced Boy Toy will soon beg for my domination.

I’ve continued with the teasing. You know, the idle comment (you’re a good Boy Toy), the occasional firm butt or cock grab… My hints have become pretty clear: “You want me to dominate you, you’ll have to beg for it.” To which he replied: “I know. I will… I just have to be in the right mood.” Fair enough, I can wait.

But it’s getting there. He’s been having kinky dreams, for one thing. And he’s been making comments too, calling me his Owner often. Last week’s photoshoot left him dripping (you’ll see why next HNT). Of course, the fact that we haven’t been having that much sex, leaving him orgasm-less for over a week, probably helped too. Because I still won’t let him masturbate, despite denying that I dominate him. I guess that’s just the last bit of control I couldn’t let slip away.

I’ve been wondering what I should do when he finally begs. Make him get on his knees and beg “more convincingly”? Tie him up and fuck him with my strap-on, after having made him beg for it? Go right into the two-weeks-as-my-slave that he still owes me, since months ago? I’m open to suggestions…

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On a (slightly) different note, a new contract might be in the making. As you may know, Boy Toy and I used to have a cigarette smoking contract. Last January, Boy Toy asked me to let it go because he believed he was starting to like the kinky side of the agreement a bit too much, and because he wanted to try quitting on his own terms. So we gave it up.

Nine months later, he still smokes just as much. More, even, than when the contract was in effect. That is not acceptable: there’s been no progress whatsoever, and I had to give up on a set of rules I really enjoyed! So I brought it up, this weekend. Mentioned how there’d been no progress at all, quite the contrary, and that it was time for a new contract. His answer was to blush, which makes me think the new contract is a good idea.

I have to think it through, though. The first contract ended up being a problem because kneeling in front of me to smoke is kinky and arouses him, which made him like the cigarettes even more…The rules have to please me, and discourage him from smoking. Any ideas? Perhaps a system that rewards not smoking?

For what it’s worth, this was the original agreement:

Contract regarding cigarette smoking

We the undersigned parties recognize and accept the submission of boy toy to Owner, in regards to the number of cigarettes boy toy will smoke every day. This will continue for an undetermined period of time, until Owner believes boy toy is ready for the next step towards becoming a non-smoker.

It is agreed that during this period, boy toy will be under Owner’s direction and control when it comes to smoking, and that he will be subject to the following conditions:

• Boy toy will be allowed to smoke no more than 8 cigarettes in a day.
• When in Owner’s presence, if alone with her, boy toy will smoke his cigarettes kneeling in front of Owner, and thank her for letting him smoke.
• If boy toy smokes one cigarette more than the allotted 8 a day, he will not be allowed to give Owner oral sex for a period of 5 days.
• If, during this 5 days period, boy toy smokes another cigarette more than the allotted 8 a day, he will have to wear a cage [this refers to a chastity device] for 10 days.
• If boy toy goes over his limit yet again during this period, his punishment will be left to Owner’s discretion.
• Boy toy will keep good count of how many cigarettes he smokes, and will never lie about it.
• Lying about how many cigarettes have been smoked will result in a period of 10 days without being allowed to give oral sex, and wearing a cage.

Boy toy willingly submits himself to the above described conditions, commits himself to the ultimate goal of becoming a non-smoker, and accepts his Owner’s directions when it comes to smoking cigarettes.

Lilly, of DangerousLilly.com, is giving away an Njoy Pure Wand courtesy of EdenFantasys! The Pure Wand is a high-quality stainless steel double-ended dildo for either G-spot stimulation or prostate stimulation. It is 24 ounces of solid medical grade stainless steel, and polished to a mirror shine. Lilly loves her Pure Wand and wants to spread the love to one lucky winner!

To enter the contest just visit her blog to find out the rules and entry methods. You can enter even if you don’t have a blog, it’s easy! The contest deadline is September 16th, 2009, at Midnight Eastern Standard Time.

There has been quite a buzz these days in blogland about what we consider to be our “flaws”. From what I gather, Veronica (Another Suburban Mom) got the train going with her post about “real women“, which in turn inspired many others to blog on the subject. HNT last week was all about revealing those parts of ourselves which we hate.

I didn’t participate.

Not because I didn’t want to or anything, I simply wasn’t aware of the “theme” at the time and I had already come up with a great theme for a yummy series (at least, *I* think it’s yummy!).

I did however read several of the posts on the subject, as well as take a peek at those “flawed” HNTs. I have to say, the experience was very emotionally charged. I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the matter…

First, and many commented on this, I don’t like the term “flaw”. Flaw to me means something that is badly made, that has a defect. Who the hell is to say that a flabby butt or belly is a “defect”, anyway? The term “imperfection” surfaced as well but again, who decides what’s perfect and what’s not?

I understand, though. I see all the pretty ladies in the magazines and on TV. It’s just… sad, extremely sad, that these ultra made-up and touched up women have come to be the beauty norm and make so, so many women out there feel horrible about themselves. We are all comparing ourselves to these unrealistic images, and for what?

What we need to keep in mind is that it’s all lighting effects, Photoshop, makeup, flattering angles, etc. Which is ok, it’s a picture, it’s art. But I believe that ANY woman would look amazing given the same treatment. I’ve said this before, in fact: every woman should go through a magazine-type photoshoot, to see that she, too, can look like that!

I am extremely lucky to have a Boy Toy with a talent for photography, a professional camera and a great eye. We haven’t exactly done the magazine shoots, but close enough. The only problem is that I am so critical towards myself that I tend to reject a lot of the pictures, which makes Boy Toy feel like his work is being criticized. Our photo sessions can be tense, when they should be fun.

Nonetheless, he’s provided me with amazing pictures for my HNTs. And for those of you who’ve said they were “guilty” of using different stratagems to make themselves look good on Thursdays, let me tell you this: so what?

Frankly, I don’t think it’s anything to feel guilty about. It’s not dishonest. It’s trying to get the best image out there. And why not? I do it every week. My photo session for a HNT typically involves quite a lot more pictures than what I end up posting. We try different poses. Boy Toy tells me to stick out my butt or curve my hip just so. It makes me look better, on the picture. But it’s still me, so how could this be deceitful? I will even admit to photoshopping some of my “flaws” away: sometimes I have a bruise or a blemish and I think nothing of removing them.

But going back to Veronica’s post: in it, she also touched on the expression “real women”. I had seen it several times in comments before I got around to reading what she had to say about it, and the term was bothering me. I totally agree with her when she says:

“The term ‘real woman’ in discussions of body type really annoys me. I think that the term belittles all women of all weights and shapes.

For example, I am a size 10/12. My friend (and spotlight blogger of the week) Britni is ’smaller than a size 2′. Am I a real woman and Britni is not? That is unfair to us both.”

Before reading that, I couldn’t quite put the finger on what disturbed me, except that the term made me feel bad. Actually, no. I’d say what bothered me is that I’m very skinny. Like Veronica’s friend, Britni. I talked about this in a response to Tom’s post on the subject:

“I usually feel ok about my size/body but when I read stuff like this, with men saying things like “no stick chick for me” and how great curves feel… well you know? It doesn’t feel that great. So yeah, ironically, one can still feel too skinny in today’s society.

I remember once seeing something on the web about too skinny celebrities and the comments left me feeling pretty bad. They were all about how these women were gross, must have eating disorders, etc. But I assure you I eat plenty. I’m just made this way…”

It’s quite ironic that I spend half the time worrying about my “big belly” or “flabby butt”, yet as soon as I read the sort of comment I mention above, I’ll feel bad because I’m too skinny. Ugh.

Worse, I feel bad for even complaining: with so many women out there battling weight problems, how dare I? Makes me feel like quite the horrible person.

Still, I think there is something to learn, here, and that is that almost nobody is ever happy with their body. If you look at my HNT pictures (or anyone’s pictures) and feel envious, well know that I’m probably as unhappy with myself as you are with yourself. And it’s wrong. None of us should feel that way. Let’s kick society’s butt for making the way we look such a loaded issue!

I’m quite sure I could say more on the subject, but it’s well passed my bedtime and I need my beauty sleep…