Last night, I was convinced we were breaking up. Kinda explains the gloomy words accompanying my HNT picture. I swear, my trigger-happiness will eventually split us up. You see, as soon as we fight, I come up with the magic words: “Maybe we’d be better off giving up…” Or one of its many variations. Talk about playing with fire.

I’ve been having a difficult time because Boy Toy is very, very busy. The atmosphere here is somewhat depressing (for me) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to cope. What’s more, I’m still getting used to living with him. I just suck at being alone. I did it for a long time, living on my own, but I didn’t exactly love it. I’d rather have someone around, even if that someone is sitting across the couch reading and we’re not talking. But the best is doing stuff with someone. Running errands, cooking supper, whatever. I just like having company, I feel more comfortable that way. He’s independent, though.

Anyway, I know that his busy phase is temporary. And I know it’s an important project to him, so I do try very, very hard to cope. Part of how I cope is talking about things, which is where some of the problem lies. We’re not that good at that… I invariably end up telling him how I feel in a way that makes him feel guilty/responsible/blamed, AND I tell him when he’s taking a break so he can spend a bit of time with me. From his perspective, he gets bitched at for not being with me enough when he’s making an effort to be with me. From my perspective, I’m just trying to communicate, to connect. Read the rest of this entry »