Last night, I was convinced we were breaking up. Kinda explains the gloomy words accompanying my HNT picture. I swear, my trigger-happiness will eventually split us up. You see, as soon as we fight, I come up with the magic words: "Maybe we'd be better off giving up..." Or one of its many variations. Talk about playing with fire. I've been having a difficult time because Boy Toy is very, very busy. The atmosphere here is somewhat depressing (for me) and I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope. What's more, I'm still getting used to living with him. I just suck at being alone. I did it for a long time, living on my own, but I didn't exactly love it. I'd rather have someone around, even if that someone is sitting across the couch reading and we're not talking. But the best is doing stuff with someone. Running errands, cooking supper, whatever. I just like having company, I feel more comfortable that way. He's independent, though. Anyway, I know that his busy phase is temporary. And I know it's an important project to him, so I do try very, very hard to cope. Part of how I cope is talking about things, which is where some of the problem lies. We're not that good at that... I invariably end up telling him how I feel in a way that makes him feel guilty/responsible/blamed, AND I tell him when he's taking a break so he can spend a bit of time with me. From his perspective, he gets bitched at for not being with me enough when he's making an effort to be with me. From my perspective, I'm just trying to communicate, to connect. Another part of the problem is that I'm very sensitive and have little control over my emotions. He's the opposite, and doesn't have much empathy. Not that he's mean, far from it. But he doesn't GET it when I feel sad, so he feels no empathy and that makes him seem so, so cold from my perspective, which hurts and enrages me. GAH. The more I write, the more discouraged I feel. Maybe we WOULD be better off giving up... Which is also part of the problem, I guess. I keep trying to figure out if this relationship is right for me, I doubt everything all the time. Paradoxically, I am terrified of being dumped. I think that's the reason I threaten to leave as soon as we fight. Which I should most definitely stop doing. It's hard working this stuff out because as soon as we talk, I get overly emotional, I cry, I get angry, etc. Boy Toy can't deal with what he calls the "melodrama". I guess we could limit our serious couple talks to emails? As for last night, we flirted quite dangerously with breakup. Both of us. Boy Toy said something like, we need to figure out if we're not just driving each other crazy. Then he left, he was going out. I cried and cried and cried. I even looked at ads for apartments for rent. He came back home around 2 am and when he lay next to me, I had my back to him. When I finally realized he wouldn't move, I turned around and tentatively touched his arm. He immediately started caressing mine. We cuddled a bit and went to sleep. Today, work was hell. I've had more bad news which I won't get into; let's just say I had a hard time keeping my eyes dry all day. When I got home and told Boy Toy about my news, I burst out crying (typically) and he hugged me. We never even mentioned last night. I didn't tell him that was mostly why I was crying, that all day, at work, I was convinced we were over, that I was going to come home and he'd say the dreaded "We need to talk." But he didn't. And I cheered up a little, suggested we go eat out. We're back now and things are pretty much back to normal, except that our "problem" is not really solved, now, is it? And that's just it: things are really good when there's no problem... As soon as I'm hurt, sad, grumpy, whatever, though, it's no good. How do you teach someone who doesn't get it at all, to become more sensitive and gentle? Is there a way to make him understand he's not responsible for my unhappiness and all I need is a hug, or will I have to toughen up and live with it or leave? I always tell him I need to feel loved, and he always points out that this feeling comes from within myself, not from him.  Which is true, but a little loving-showing can't hurt. The funny thing is that every single one of my friends who's seen me with him, even for just five minutes, have said "Elle, this guy loves you." And yet I doubt this? Silly, silly girl. I'm going to leave this jumble of a post at that. It's such a mess anyway, just like in my poor little head. Hopefully one day, I'll learn to just be zen and quit worrying with shit. Then again, life would be boring without all these made up problems...