Comments on: A bad case of non-communication

By: Dev

Dev — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:51:12 +0000

Wow, you DO sound like me…sorry I haven’t been reading your blog regularly until now. (You’re on my blogroll now.)

By: Elle

Elle — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:01:51 +0000

danimo21: I’m not sure whether he’s been in a D/s relationship before. Not that we’re completely D/s, anyway. He’s not always subby at all. He gets that way on occasion, when I keep him locked or something like that, but most of the time he’s just normal, and we have a pretty traditional bond, as you put it. In fact, he’s pretty “alpha”. Strong, confident, independent. He needs his space and he does what he wants, when he wants. Once in a while I decide on a rule, a game we’ll play, and he always obeys. I’ll admit too that he defers to me quite a bit: for example, if I suggest something for supper, he almost always goes with my suggestion.

By: danimo21

danimo21 — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:45:19 +0000

you two really sound like elias and i some days. . .

is this boy toy’s first D/s relationship? perhaps he’s just growing comfortable enough with you to get out of his submissive shell and show you other aspects of his personality? perhaps he’s been aching to show you these traits, hence all these seemingly out of nowhere rule changes. i can be very submissive (and also quite dominant) but i can never hold my “act” for too long until i long for a more “traditional” bond at least most of the time. although that’s why i’ve never entered an expressly D/s relationship, and clearly boy toy has. i’m just throwing thoughts around here.

*more big hugs*

By: Elle

Elle — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:54:41 +0000

Vixen: It IS driving me crazy. But to be fair, I often keep these feelings to myself because I’m afraid of his reactions. When I do bring myself to talk about them, I usually do it in such a way that he feels blamed or something, so he does react… And I’m overly sensitive, as opposed to him being pretty logical. We’ll eventually figure this whole communication thing. Slowly, but surely.

By: Elle

Elle — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:48:17 +0000

roo-roo: He was aware he was pulling back. He’s just slower at these things than I am, I guess. Or rather, different. He needs to think them through, and I need to talk them through… We talked, tonight. He WAS oblivious to how badly I was taking things. Not out of maliciousness, but just because he simply couldn’t imagine that it’d bother me in this way. To him, it’s simple: he asks for time to think about something, and we talk about it later. He just doesn’t understand how this could bother me.

By: Vixen

Vixen — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:50:33 +0000

((you))

The not talking about things would be driving me *crazy*. When the air is never cleared and I have everything swimming around in my head like you do, I obsess. Which in turn make me miserable.

I agree with your statement that boys CAN be oblivious. Bc I know sometimes I make a HUGE case out of something that I was SURE he was doing on purpose to me and come to realize…uh no. LOL

BUT I also agree with Roo. *Something* must have caused Boy Toy to change. It’s just too bad he won’t talk to you to help you understand what it was.

By: roo-roo

roo-roo — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:42:43 +0000

“Boys can be so oblivious”

I’m sure he’s fully aware that he’s pulling back. I just have to wonder about the reason behind it. And I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but the only way to figure things out is to talk about them. You’re trying, I know. But apparently that’s the hard part- getting him on board for this conversation. Sending the e-mail hopefully will have helped. Tom’s idea is very much worthwhile. Without doing this, you’ll continue to be in a bad place emotionally.

By: Elle

Elle — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:47:07 +0000

Thanks, Tom. It sounds like a sensible way to go about things… I’ll try suggesting it when Boy Toy and I finally do talk… I know he finds it harder to talk about that kind of stuff, but I need it, otherwise I will end up resenting him too much

By: Tom Allen

Tom Allen — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:21:21 +0000

I had a partner with whom we agreed that we’d have a weekly “board meeting” – a time when we would spend (even if it was just fifteen minutes or a half hour) going over the previous week and ticking off what worked or not.

It was important to do this *outside* of a sexual context, so we cold do it with a clear head. During dinner on Sundays was convenient, but we’d have to change once in a while. The idea, though, was to cover the basics, and if something wasn’t working, to then agree on another time to discuss them (if the current time wasn’t good).

It’s actually a good idea for any relationship, not just BDSM. Here’s hoping that you get something worked out soon.