A bad case of non-communication
• June 29th, 2009 • by Elle
Last week wasn't exactly the best of times for me. It seems like I spent it feeling horrible, sad, lonely, sorry for myself, angry and resentful. I felt such animosity toward Boy Toy at some point, I'm not sure anymore if his being so busy with work was a good thing or a bad thing. I think if you asked him about last week, though, his account of it wouldn't be nearly as bleak. I guess I had a major case of the crazy hormones (PMS). But I'm not sure all can be blamed on them... You know the situation.
Nothing has changed there. We still haven't talked about it and it's killing me. And everything is just so weird. Not that vanilla is that strange, it's just that apparently, any rule or protocol we had is now out. For example, he used to have to make my coffee whenever I get up in the morning. At least on weekends; it just wasn't practical on weekdays. Last Saturday morning, I got up and walked upstairs. He had already been up for a while, working. I groggily sat on the couch, trying to wake up properly. He came down to make himself an espresso and offered me one, but I wanted it with milk and there was none left. Maybe I'm just crazy, but it seems to me the "old" Boy Toy would have ran to the store next door to get milk. This one just said something like "Well, you can go get some milk." I looked down at myself, still in a sweaty tank top and little shorts, hair an awful mess, and thought "What the hell is wrong with him?!" I obviously couldn't get out of the house like that (to be fair, maybe this is one of those things boys don't understand).
I was afraid to answer, being very grouchy, and to tell you the truth, I kinda thought the way I looked down at myself was answer enough. So he made himself an espresso... nothing for me. I was feeling more and more irritated. And hurt, too. Wasn't he supposed to make me coffee? Anyway, I eventually said something pissy and he went to get milk but he was angry. When he finished making the coffee, he put it on the counter top, said "there you go" and went back to work upstairs. Cheerful, I tell you.
I felt pretty dismal. I sat there crying for a while and when I couldn't take it anymore, I emailed him. I know, I know, not the best plan. But I think I did an OK job of keeping blame and resentment out of what I wrote, and limiting it to how I felt. The subject was "When you have a minute" because I knew he was up there working, can't assume he'll just drop every thing and read me...
I started with apologizing for being pissy about the coffee, and I explained that I've been having a really hard time. I told him that I need to talk about things and I fear we never will, which is why I have such difficulty giving him the time he asked for. I also explained that dropping every "rule" we usually have is confusing and hurtful to me, I never know what to expect anymore. I acknowledged that he's been pretty affectionate despite being so busy, and that it is appreciated, but I still need to talk things through. I even quoted Vixen, in one of her recent posts: "However, the foremost important thing in our relationship IS each other. And respect. Respecting how the other feels, how our actions make the other feel."
I got no answer from him (I did not ask for an answer), but it at least had the merit of getting my feelings out in the open. Once I wrote and sent them, they seemed a little less heavy on my chest and I felt somewhat better.
Later that day, we were hanging out with friends, having a few drinks before going out. My best friend and Boy Toy's best friend were both there. My friend and I were talking about how we'd been doing... Girlfriends are the best to talk about this sort of stuff, but I couldn't tell her what was really the problem. It was just too personal. I simply said that it was something personal, about sex.
Then we were with the guys and I made an offhand remark, I don't remember what, about Boy Toy. His best friend started telling me that if Boy Toy was "misbehaving", then I should dominate him, correct him, etc. Yeah, Boy Toy's best friend is something of a sub, too. I replied that I couldn't. Without going into details, I just said that we weren't doing that right now. But he insisted, saying things like "That's what he needs." Right... I could have laughed. Or cried.
So there you have it. I'm sure things aren't nearly as bad as I make them sound, I can be very a little dramatic at times. Especially during the crazy-hormones time of the month. And just as I was writing this, Boy Toy came down and cheerily kissed me on the cheek. Boys can be so oblivious *sigh*
I guess they're the lucky ones.
Category: Ramblings | 
9 Comments »
June 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I had a partner with whom we agreed that we’d have a weekly “board meeting” – a time when we would spend (even if it was just fifteen minutes or a half hour) going over the previous week and ticking off what worked or not.
It was important to do this *outside* of a sexual context, so we cold do it with a clear head. During dinner on Sundays was convenient, but we’d have to change once in a while. The idea, though, was to cover the basics, and if something wasn’t working, to then agree on another time to discuss them (if the current time wasn’t good).
It’s actually a good idea for any relationship, not just BDSM. Here’s hoping that you get something worked out soon.
June 29th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Thanks, Tom. It sounds like a sensible way to go about things… I’ll try suggesting it when Boy Toy and I finally do talk… I know he finds it harder to talk about that kind of stuff, but I need it, otherwise I will end up resenting him too much
June 30th, 2009 at 10:42 am
“Boys can be so oblivious”
I’m sure he’s fully aware that he’s pulling back. I just have to wonder about the reason behind it. And I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but the only way to figure things out is to talk about them. You’re trying, I know. But apparently that’s the hard part- getting him on board for this conversation. Sending the e-mail hopefully will have helped. Tom’s idea is very much worthwhile. Without doing this, you’ll continue to be in a bad place emotionally.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:50 am
((you))
The not talking about things would be driving me *crazy*. When the air is never cleared and I have everything swimming around in my head like you do, I obsess. Which in turn make me miserable.
I agree with your statement that boys CAN be oblivious. Bc I know sometimes I make a HUGE case out of something that I was SURE he was doing on purpose to me and come to realize…uh no. LOL
BUT I also agree with Roo. *Something* must have caused Boy Toy to change. It’s just too bad he won’t talk to you to help you understand what it was.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
roo-roo: He was aware he was pulling back. He’s just slower at these things than I am, I guess. Or rather, different. He needs to think them through, and I need to talk them through… We talked, tonight. He WAS oblivious to how badly I was taking things. Not out of maliciousness, but just because he simply couldn’t imagine that it’d bother me in this way. To him, it’s simple: he asks for time to think about something, and we talk about it later. He just doesn’t understand how this could bother me.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Vixen: It IS driving me crazy. But to be fair, I often keep these feelings to myself because I’m afraid of his reactions. When I do bring myself to talk about them, I usually do it in such a way that he feels blamed or something, so he does react… And I’m overly sensitive, as opposed to him being pretty logical. We’ll eventually figure this whole communication thing. Slowly, but surely.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:45 am
you two really sound like elias and i some days. . .
is this boy toy’s first D/s relationship? perhaps he’s just growing comfortable enough with you to get out of his submissive shell and show you other aspects of his personality? perhaps he’s been aching to show you these traits, hence all these seemingly out of nowhere rule changes. i can be very submissive (and also quite dominant) but i can never hold my “act” for too long until i long for a more “traditional” bond at least most of the time. although that’s why i’ve never entered an expressly D/s relationship, and clearly boy toy has. i’m just throwing thoughts around here.
*more big hugs*
July 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
danimo21: I’m not sure whether he’s been in a D/s relationship before. Not that we’re completely D/s, anyway. He’s not always subby at all. He gets that way on occasion, when I keep him locked or something like that, but most of the time he’s just normal, and we have a pretty traditional bond, as you put it. In fact, he’s pretty “alpha”. Strong, confident, independent. He needs his space and he does what he wants, when he wants. Once in a while I decide on a rule, a game we’ll play, and he always obeys. I’ll admit too that he defers to me quite a bit: for example, if I suggest something for supper, he almost always goes with my suggestion.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Wow, you DO sound like me…sorry I haven’t been reading your blog regularly until now. (You’re on my blogroll now.)