"You’re a submissive for whoever you choose to be, when you choose to be. And that’s what makes being a Domme special as well, that someone has given all of that specifically to you."

These are Electronic Doll's words, in a response she made to one of Unspeakable Axe's posts, and they cut me deep. They have made me realize what hurts so much about the current situation with Boy Toy: I feel as though he has chosen not to submit to me anymore, it is as if he has taken back what he had given specifically to me. Maybe I just need a lesson in compartmentalization. Because I've come to kinda associate love with ownership. It's makes what I had to say on the subject last September a little funny. Back then, I was a lot more hesitant with my affirmations about Boy Toy being my "sub", or about admitting that we were D/s. Damn these complicated somewhat D/s relationships!

Last week wasn't exactly the best of times for me. It seems like I spent it feeling horrible, sad, lonely, sorry for myself, angry and resentful. I felt such animosity toward Boy Toy at some point, I'm not sure anymore if his being so busy with work was a good thing or a bad thing. I think if you asked him about last week, though, his account of it wouldn't be nearly as bleak. I guess I had a major case of the crazy hormones (PMS). But I'm not sure all can be blamed on them... You know the situation. Nothing has changed there. We still haven't talked about it and it's killing me. And everything is just so weird. Not that vanilla is that strange, it's just that apparently, any rule or protocol we had is now out. For example, he used to have to make my coffee whenever I get up in the morning. At least on weekends; it just wasn't practical on weekdays. Last Saturday morning, I got up and walked upstairs. He had already been up for a while, working. I groggily sat on the couch, trying to wake up properly. He came down to make himself an espresso and offered me one, but I wanted it with milk and there was none left. Maybe I'm just crazy, but it seems to me the "old" Boy Toy would have ran to the store next door to get milk. This one just said something like "Well, you can go get some milk." I looked down at myself, still in a sweaty tank top and little shorts, hair an awful mess, and thought "What the hell is wrong with him?!" I obviously couldn't get out of the house like that (to be fair, maybe this is one of those things boys don't understand). I was afraid to answer, being very grouchy, and to tell you the truth, I kinda thought the way I looked down at myself was answer enough. So he made himself an espresso... nothing for me. I was feeling more and more irritated. And hurt, too. Wasn't he supposed to make me coffee? Anyway, I eventually said something pissy and he went to get milk but he was angry. When he finished making the coffee, he put it on the counter top, said "there you go" and went back to work upstairs. Cheerful, I tell you. I felt pretty dismal. I sat there crying for a while and when I couldn't take it anymore, I emailed him. I know, I know, not the best plan. But I think I did an OK job of keeping blame and resentment out of what I wrote, and limiting it to how I felt. The subject was "When you have a minute" because I knew he was up there working, can't assume he'll just drop every thing and read me... I started with apologizing for being pissy about the coffee, and I explained that I've been having a really hard time. I told him that I need to talk about things and I fear we never will, which is why I have such difficulty giving him the time he asked for. I also explained that dropping every "rule" we usually have is confusing and hurtful to me, I never know what to expect anymore. I acknowledged that he's been pretty affectionate despite being so busy, and that it is appreciated, but I still need to talk things through. I even quoted Vixen, in one of her recent posts: "However, the foremost important thing in our relationship IS each other.  And respect.  Respecting how the other feels, how our actions make the other feel." I got no answer from him (I did not ask for an answer), but it at least had the merit of getting my feelings out in the open. Once I wrote and sent them, they seemed a little less heavy on my chest and I felt somewhat better. Later that day, we were hanging out with friends, having a few drinks before going out. My best friend and Boy Toy's best friend were both there. My friend and I were talking about how we'd been doing... Girlfriends are the best to talk about this sort of stuff, but I couldn't tell her what was really the problem. It was just too personal. I simply said that it was something personal, about sex. Then we were with the guys and I made an offhand remark, I don't remember what, about Boy Toy. His best friend started telling me that if Boy Toy was "misbehaving", then I should dominate him, correct him, etc. Yeah, Boy Toy's best friend is something of a sub, too. I replied that I couldn't. Without going into details, I just said that we weren't doing that right now. But he insisted, saying things like "That's what he needs." Right... I could have laughed. Or cried. So there you have it. I'm sure things aren't nearly as bad as I make them sound, I can be very a little dramatic at times. Especially during the crazy-hormones time of the month. And just as I was writing this, Boy Toy came down and cheerily kissed me on the cheek. Boys can be so oblivious *sigh* I guess they're the lucky ones.