I’ve been wanting some kinky sex, lately, but I’m not getting what I want. There are a few reasons for this. Boy Toy’s in a bit of a busy/stressed period, so he’s not much into sex these days. And I’m in a bit of an insecure/emotional period, which means I can’t seem to find it in myself to just do things to him. Actually, I’ve been reading back through my blog entries and I’m starting to see a pattern: I thought my insecure bouts were linked to something hormonal (PMS*), yet I seem to often mention Boy Toy’s busyness when I talk about my insecurity. Hmmm.

It’s not gotten out of hand this time, thankfully. I think I’m growing up  And summer helps (I get depressed in winter. I hate winter.). And living with Boy Toy helps too. But we’re still not doing kinky sex. I talked about making it happen, a few weeks ago, and how sometimes I don’t want to make him do it because I want him to want me. These days, though, it’s not what’s stopping me. No. It’s that I don’t know how to go about it, and I’m afraid he’ll say no. So fear of rejection. Have I ever mentioned that insecurity and domination don’t really go together?

I mean, the guy’s busy and he’s a ball of stress. Sometimes I come home from work and he’ll be at his computer, working, most of the evening. What, then? Should I just go to him and get what I want? Not so sure… From experience, I know he can get quite pissy when disturbed in the middle of working, so I just assume it’s a no but then I feel sorry for myself, a little resentful and somewhat undesired. All that and I haven’t even approached him. Hmm. Yeah.

I can already hear you guys tell me to talk to him about it. Seems like the sensible thing to do. And it is… I did bring up the subject last night, I asked him how I should approach him if I want to play. We talked about it briefly. He suggested I ask in advance. For instance, I could say “Next week, you’re my slave boy all week.” Well, I kinda have a problem with that: he still owes me two weeks as my slave and whenever I bring it up he gets an attitude and tells me he’s gotta work, etc. So yeah, sure. Asking in advance is all well and good but it doesn’t get me anywhere. Perhaps I’m just not dominant enough.

What’s certainly not helping is the poor control I have over my emotions. I’ve mentioned this before: I feel, I react. When I feel something, it just overwhelms me and I can’t get over it. So if Boy Toy doesn’t seem interested in playing, for example, and it makes me feel unwanted, I get stuck on that feeling. Unfortunately, I have a hard time going deeper than that first emotion. It stops right there, there’s no further introspection.

Yesterday, as I was lying in bed half asleep, I was thinking about all this emotions stuff, and about domination. Some blog posts I read had given me kinky inspiration and I was coming up with the beginnings of a naughty scenario. As usually happens, my scenario begins but doesn’t go very far. As with emotions, I can’t seem to be able to go deeper. I think this lack of imagination when it comes to kinky sex is one of my greatest obstacles to being a better dominant partner. I can come up with an idea but I can rarely make much of it because the rest doesn’t follow…

I’m pretty sure it’ll get better with time. People evolve, learn, grow. I’ll become more adept at dealing with my emotions and, most importantly, voicing them to my lover. Maybe domination and kink will even come more naturally to me! One can always hope

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*I’ve also come to realize that my hormones (PMS) make me want to go shopping and buy tons of girly stuff like makeup and clothing.