is that it's not easy. At least for us, anyway. We're so different in that regard. As I wrote in a reply to a comment, Boy Toy needs time to think things through. As for me, I need to talk them through, which is my way of thinking them through. And which is why sometimes I write the very personal stuff here, the fights and arguments, even if it makes me look like an emotional nutcase. Writing this stuff down helps me make sense of things. I do try not to make Boy Toy sound like a jerk, even when I'm pissed at him. I figure this isn't the place for it. Besides, he's much, much better than I usually make him seem, and that's the truth. We had a talk, tonight. I think there are still things to smooth out, especially on my side because I accumulated some resentment and it needs to blow off. Or something. But it's better than it was. I'm thinking what we should really concentrate on, actually, is communicating about communication. We need to figure this one out. I'm just too emotional about stuff and I can get quite worked up. Yeah, I know, I'm quite the case. In the end, it does get to Boy Toy too: he ends up being afraid of bringing stuff up, because the melodrama just isn't for him. He also hates the kind of conversation that drags on, which, incidentally, is what I'm super good at. After bringing up Tom's suggestion, we sort of agreed that smaller doses, more often, might work better. In fact, I'm convinced it'll work better for him, and I think it could work well for me, too, if I can manage it. Gah. As for the situation that brought all this on, we did manage to talk about it, a little. One of the things that came up is that the protocols, or rules, were beginning to feel too routine to Boy Toy, and he did need a break. It just so happens that we had this "incident" at the same time, which is unfortunate. I'm hoping to talk about this some more, minus the emotional baggage, and I guess it means I was on the right track the other day when wrote of coming up with new ideas...

"You’re a submissive for whoever you choose to be, when you choose to be. And that’s what makes being a Domme special as well, that someone has given all of that specifically to you."

These are Electronic Doll's words, in a response she made to one of Unspeakable Axe's posts, and they cut me deep. They have made me realize what hurts so much about the current situation with Boy Toy: I feel as though he has chosen not to submit to me anymore, it is as if he has taken back what he had given specifically to me. Maybe I just need a lesson in compartmentalization. Because I've come to kinda associate love with ownership. It's makes what I had to say on the subject last September a little funny. Back then, I was a lot more hesitant with my affirmations about Boy Toy being my "sub", or about admitting that we were D/s. Damn these complicated somewhat D/s relationships!

Last week wasn't exactly the best of times for me. It seems like I spent it feeling horrible, sad, lonely, sorry for myself, angry and resentful. I felt such animosity toward Boy Toy at some point, I'm not sure anymore if his being so busy with work was a good thing or a bad thing. I think if you asked him about last week, though, his account of it wouldn't be nearly as bleak. I guess I had a major case of the crazy hormones (PMS). But I'm not sure all can be blamed on them... You know the situation. Nothing has changed there. We still haven't talked about it and it's killing me. And everything is just so weird. Not that vanilla is that strange, it's just that apparently, any rule or protocol we had is now out. For example, he used to have to make my coffee whenever I get up in the morning. At least on weekends; it just wasn't practical on weekdays. Last Saturday morning, I got up and walked upstairs. He had already been up for a while, working. I groggily sat on the couch, trying to wake up properly. He came down to make himself an espresso and offered me one, but I wanted it with milk and there was none left. Maybe I'm just crazy, but it seems to me the "old" Boy Toy would have ran to the store next door to get milk. This one just said something like "Well, you can go get some milk." I looked down at myself, still in a sweaty tank top and little shorts, hair an awful mess, and thought "What the hell is wrong with him?!" I obviously couldn't get out of the house like that (to be fair, maybe this is one of those things boys don't understand). I was afraid to answer, being very grouchy, and to tell you the truth, I kinda thought the way I looked down at myself was answer enough. So he made himself an espresso... nothing for me. I was feeling more and more irritated. And hurt, too. Wasn't he supposed to make me coffee? Anyway, I eventually said something pissy and he went to get milk but he was angry. When he finished making the coffee, he put it on the counter top, said "there you go" and went back to work upstairs. Cheerful, I tell you. I felt pretty dismal. I sat there crying for a while and when I couldn't take it anymore, I emailed him. I know, I know, not the best plan. But I think I did an OK job of keeping blame and resentment out of what I wrote, and limiting it to how I felt. The subject was "When you have a minute" because I knew he was up there working, can't assume he'll just drop every thing and read me... I started with apologizing for being pissy about the coffee, and I explained that I've been having a really hard time. I told him that I need to talk about things and I fear we never will, which is why I have such difficulty giving him the time he asked for. I also explained that dropping every "rule" we usually have is confusing and hurtful to me, I never know what to expect anymore. I acknowledged that he's been pretty affectionate despite being so busy, and that it is appreciated, but I still need to talk things through. I even quoted Vixen, in one of her recent posts: "However, the foremost important thing in our relationship IS each other.  And respect.  Respecting how the other feels, how our actions make the other feel." I got no answer from him (I did not ask for an answer), but it at least had the merit of getting my feelings out in the open. Once I wrote and sent them, they seemed a little less heavy on my chest and I felt somewhat better. Later that day, we were hanging out with friends, having a few drinks before going out. My best friend and Boy Toy's best friend were both there. My friend and I were talking about how we'd been doing... Girlfriends are the best to talk about this sort of stuff, but I couldn't tell her what was really the problem. It was just too personal. I simply said that it was something personal, about sex. Then we were with the guys and I made an offhand remark, I don't remember what, about Boy Toy. His best friend started telling me that if Boy Toy was "misbehaving", then I should dominate him, correct him, etc. Yeah, Boy Toy's best friend is something of a sub, too. I replied that I couldn't. Without going into details, I just said that we weren't doing that right now. But he insisted, saying things like "That's what he needs." Right... I could have laughed. Or cried. So there you have it. I'm sure things aren't nearly as bad as I make them sound, I can be very a little dramatic at times. Especially during the crazy-hormones time of the month. And just as I was writing this, Boy Toy came down and cheerily kissed me on the cheek. Boys can be so oblivious *sigh* I guess they're the lucky ones.

Well, it's still pretty damn hot out here, and there still isn't anything going on in terms of kink in this household. But a girl still has to blog, right? ;) I'm feeling somewhat better tonight. I think my hormones were playing a bad trick on me this week... I've been pretty much irritable with everyone around me, Boy Toy first. Gah. Anyway. So, I was thinking, since we're taking a little break from kink, maybe now's a good time for me to come up with all kinds of nasty ideas that I can keep in store for later. That's always been my biggest problem when it comes to kink, I have a hard time thinking up something to do to my Boy Toy. I find a lot of inspiration online, actually. Reading some of you guys' blogs, mostly. And this has got me wondering, how do you guys go about finding your own inspiration? Do you simply have a better imagination than I do? Is there some trick to it? Because if there is, I want in on it! lol... Actually, I'm open to suggestions, you know. So if you ever feel like sending ideas my way, or even some naughty scenario... You can comment here or email me (kinkunleashed at gmail). I'd love to hear from you. __________________ On another note, this blog is finally starting to bring me money. That's right, boys and girls. A big 30$! No, seriously, I just checked up on my JT Stockroom affiliate account and that's how much I've made so far. Truth is, I'm not doing this for the money (good thing, because I sure suck at it!), I mostly put the affiliate links up on Boy Toy's urging. Still, a few dollars are always welcome, so thank you whoever bought those dirty little toys over at the Stockroom. None of the other sites have earned me anything yet. I received an email a few weeks back, another online sex store type thing suggesting I become their affiliate. It's not up simply because I haven't had the time to look it up, I've been that busy... I think the whole money/blog thing is a bit of a delicate subject. I'm sure some see this as selling out or something, I don't know. But frankly, it's not as if all I ever did was promote products and convince people to buy this or that. *shrug* I also think the three banners I have up are of pretty good online stores. Well, especially the Stockroom, I love that site, I think it's just about the best kinky store out there (that I know of), and I'm not just trying to get you to buy stuff, here ;) I've ordered from Extreme Restraints too and it worked out just fine, they have a pretty good selection but boy, I hate how all the comments on the products are so fake. I mean, have you ever seen a product rating lower than 5 out of 5 stars? Don't get me wrong, when I ordered from them, I had no problem whatsoever. Yet at one point, I made up a comment on one of their items, gave it a bad review, and it's just the strangest thing, it never made it on the site. I'm sure it's just overzealous marketing. As for Vibe Review, I've never ordered from them but I do like their site. I've used it in a sense, reading reviews of products I wanted to buy. The site is cute, non-threatening, probably made to be appealing to women, and that's great! I can't imagine some of my girlie co-workers buy anything from the Stockroom, so if a site gets them to buy toys, I'm all for it. One site I definitely would become an affiliate of, if they had such a program, is Steelwerks. Damn but do I ever lust over their chastity devices. *sigh* One day... What about you? Any thoughts on the whole affiliate thing? And any favorite site I may not know? And what about kinky/sex bloggers who review products? I haven't done it yet, but I have to admit, I've been approached and I decided I'd do it. I selected my items, sent that along with my full name and address, and never heard from the company again. Fishy, or what? Let's just say I was pretty damn angry. Angry with them and angry with myself. Anyone else had something like that happen to them?

It's sizzling hot here today, and this is all the HNT I could muster... Maybe I should have went with last week's idea, only with cold water instead ;) Boy Toy was too busy to help but he did take a look at the pictures once I shot them. These are not his choices and he's feeling a little let down. Maybe he does have a better eye for images, but when it comes to photos of myself, I'm extra difficult... Sorry, Boy Toy. Happy HNT!

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I wanted to post because, you know, I don't want to neglect my blog. But if you've read my previous post, you know why I'm not feeling entirely up to it. Still, here's a word or two. We're not doing that bad, really. As I said in my response to 13messages, we're ok... Superficially. I exaggerate though, we're pretty good. Boy Toy's sweet, in a "Let's not talk about the serious stuff" way. lol... Worse part is, this is true. He's been calling me sexy, comes by to give me a peck every once in a while, stuff like that. Just now, he came downstairs and sat next to me on the couch, spent a few minutes just hanging there because, he said, he wanted to "say bye before I go to bed" (which I'll do right after this). So it's good, but I wish we could talk about things. I'll give him the time he asks for, but this is going against my nature. Maybe he's the one who's got it right, I don't know. Think about it before talking... It sounds like a good plan but I have a hard time with it because I'm afraid we end up never talking about it. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but... Anyway, that's the status right now. We're your plain vanilla couple, for the time being. It's weird. Once in a while, I mention his 10 minutes (as you might know, he would kneel naked in front of me for 10 minutes every night) but seems that even that is out of the question. That's one thing that really puts me off... I understand he doesn't want to do the whole coming in front of me thing, but I'm baffled as to why everything else has to stop, too. The funny thing is how hard I find this whole "being vanilla" thing. I've struggled so long with accepting that I, Elle, was actually kinky and all of a sudden, tables are turned and I find it hard just being vanilla. I feel kinda off-balance. I have to refrain myself from trying to make him do stuff, at times. I shouldn't mention the 10 minutes at all, but I did just tonight. I could almost say that I don't know what vanilla is, anymore. Or rather, that I don't know how to be vanilla. Which is probably silly... Deep down our actual relationship is pretty down to earth: we respect each other, are fair and honest to each other, try to share chores (he isn't my house-boy slave)... So I guess I just continue as is, except no naughty-naughty? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. RossK said it well in his response to my last post: "My advice is to go vanilla for a while - and wait. He’ll come back to you and want you to dominate him again. (He has no choice, it’s in his nature, but perhaps he hasn’t learned to accept it yet.)"

I have to confess to stealing someone else's idea. Remember in my post last Sunday, I said that some blog posts I read gave me kinky inspiration and I was coming up with the beginnings of a naughty scenario? Well, I decided to make it happen. The idea came from Sandy, over at Outside Vanilla, who was inspired by Thumper's Belle Fille. It started with Thumper's account of his Belle Fille allowing him to fuck her with the sole purpose of achieving his own orgasm. Sandy loved the idea of the "unenjoyable orgasm" and decided to put her own twist on it: Mykey was to get a forced orgasm every day for a week, by his own hand, while she watched. To add to the fun, he had to eat his own sperm afterward. I loved the concept as well, and decided to put MY own twist on it. It wasn't very different from Sandy's take: once a day Boy Toy would have to have an orgasm while I watched. I opted not to make him eat his cum, though, because I seriously doubt he'd do it. It's already hard enough just getting him to masturbate in front of me... Knowing he'd be difficult and might not even be able to finish, being very shy about it, I allowed for a way out. If he failed in his "task", he would receive a spanking. Ten hits with the crop.  I really thought this idea was hot and was totally stoked about trying it out. Unfortunately, it didn't exactly turn out as I had hoped. I told Boy Toy about this little game Sunday night. Predictably, he tried to get out of it, telling me this is a stressful and busy time for him, but I would have none of it. It's not that I'm not sensitive to his limits, it's that he is pretty much always busy and stressed. So if not now, then when? I decided that this time, I wouldn't let his excuses get in my way. This was not, in my opinion, a hard "task", and he'd get to come. What's not to love about it? So I held my ground. When it came time to get to work, Monday night, Boy Toy still tried to postpone. "Next week, please?" he said. But I stayed firm. I wanted this to happen, and figured the release he'd get from submitting and from his orgasm would be a good stress relief for him. I instructed Boy Toy to get it done during the daily 10 minutes he must kneel naked in front of me; two birds with one stone. So I put a towel on the couch platform thingie and handed him a bottle of lube. I grabbed the crop and sat on the couch in front of him. It was very difficult to get him to start. And finish, for that matter. He balked every step of the way. I cajoled and insisted, alternating between kindly proding and harshly ordering. He would start touching himself, then stop and say this was silly, he couldn't do it, etc. I kept pushing, hinting at the spanking I was about to give him. Finally, light caresses with the crop along the insides of his thighs got him going and it wasn't long before he climaxed. Wow, it was hot! By then, I was completely wet and all flustered. I made sure to let him know how much I liked it. The next day was pretty much the same scenario, except he was even harder to manage. I was tired, too, and wasn't into it as much as the previous night. Still, I got him there, this time by running my nails all along his back and neck. It was amazing. And that's how far we got. The next day when I got home from work, Boy Toy mentioned he'd be going to his friend's later. "Fine, but you'll have to complete your task first", I told him. He got pissy and complained about it. I had plans to go see a movie with a friend, so I ate and left, but I was angry at him. I couldn't help but think, I am where I am today because of him. He introduced me to kink. He is the one who liked being dominated. And now, he was getting pissed off at me for doing what he wanted me to do? When I got back, Boy Toy said "We need to talk." Ugh. I was still angry and had a wicked headache, so when he told me he couldn't go on with this game, let's just say I wasn't very happy. I mentioned I'm not good at controlling my emotions? Yeah. But I worked hard at it, because this is a game, after all, and the goal isn't to make him miserable. I've read enough kinky stuff all over the Internet to know about limits or aftercare... The problem is, it's always a little more than a game, right? Real life and emotions interfere. It's hard to know where to draw the line. The rules of this game we were playing are that he has to do what I say. He got frustrated at me instead, and I'm not strong enough to not let this get to me. So I glared at him and asked: "Is it a hard limit?" Boy Toy said that it wasn't, but he added that something was wrong with him. This little game really affected him, and not in a good way. He felt deeply ashamed and more, but he didn't know what else he felt. He said he needed time to think it through, and asked that we take a break from the kinky stuff. He was visibly shaken. I was angry, though, and it took a while for me to soften up. But eventually, I did. I remembered about "aftercare" and thought, if he ever needed it, this was the time. He seemed to feel guilty for not going through with something I wanted, and this touched me. I finally hugged him, shushed him, told him it was alright, we didn't need to do this if he didn't like it. And we don't need to do it, but I can't help feeling bad over the whole thing. Couldn't help but think I'm not very good at domination... It's shaken me up quite a bit and it doesn't help that Boy Toy's been saying he wants to take a break from kink. It probably shouldn't affect me this way, but who ever said emotions were rational?

This is the HNT that almost didn't happen. Out of time and out of ideas, I tried to program my post in advance earlier today but it just wouldn't work. The little window for browsing and uploading images didn't want to pop up, not sure why. I was going to use a picture from a previous photo shoot. Then I got back home and Boy Toy said he wanted to shower, so I jumped in. Just seems like I forgot to take off my t-shirt... The result is a fresh new picture, which I managed to upload, yay! Enjoy. Happy HNT!

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I've been wanting some kinky sex, lately, but I'm not getting what I want. There are a few reasons for this. Boy Toy's in a bit of a busy/stressed period, so he's not much into sex these days. And I'm in a bit of an insecure/emotional period, which means I can't seem to find it in myself to just do things to him. Actually, I've been reading back through my blog entries and I'm starting to see a pattern: I thought my insecure bouts were linked to something hormonal (PMS*), yet I seem to often mention Boy Toy's busyness when I talk about my insecurity. Hmmm. It's not gotten out of hand this time, thankfully. I think I'm growing up :P And summer helps (I get depressed in winter. I hate winter.). And living with Boy Toy helps too. But we're still not doing kinky sex. I talked about making it happen, a few weeks ago, and how sometimes I don't want to make him do it because I want him to want me. These days, though, it's not what's stopping me. No. It's that I don't know how to go about it, and I'm afraid he'll say no. So fear of rejection. Have I ever mentioned that insecurity and domination don't really go together? I mean, the guy's busy and he's a ball of stress. Sometimes I come home from work and he'll be at his computer, working, most of the evening. What, then? Should I just go to him and get what I want? Not so sure... From experience, I know he can get quite pissy when disturbed in the middle of working, so I just assume it's a no but then I feel sorry for myself, a little resentful and somewhat undesired. All that and I haven't even approached him. Hmm. Yeah. I can already hear you guys tell me to talk to him about it. Seems like the sensible thing to do. And it is... I did bring up the subject last night, I asked him how I should approach him if I want to play. We talked about it briefly. He suggested I ask in advance. For instance, I could say "Next week, you're my slave boy all week." Well, I kinda have a problem with that: he still owes me two weeks as my slave and whenever I bring it up he gets an attitude and tells me he's gotta work, etc. So yeah, sure. Asking in advance is all well and good but it doesn't get me anywhere. Perhaps I'm just not dominant enough. What's certainly not helping is the poor control I have over my emotions. I've mentioned this before: I feel, I react. When I feel something, it just overwhelms me and I can't get over it. So if Boy Toy doesn't seem interested in playing, for example, and it makes me feel unwanted, I get stuck on that feeling. Unfortunately, I have a hard time going deeper than that first emotion. It stops right there, there's no further introspection. Yesterday, as I was lying in bed half asleep, I was thinking about all this emotions stuff, and about domination. Some blog posts I read had given me kinky inspiration and I was coming up with the beginnings of a naughty scenario. As usually happens, my scenario begins but doesn't go very far. As with emotions, I can't seem to be able to go deeper. I think this lack of imagination when it comes to kinky sex is one of my greatest obstacles to being a better dominant partner. I can come up with an idea but I can rarely make much of it because the rest doesn't follow... I'm pretty sure it'll get better with time. People evolve, learn, grow. I'll become more adept at dealing with my emotions and, most importantly, voicing them to my lover. Maybe domination and kink will even come more naturally to me! One can always hope ;)   ________________________ *I've also come to realize that my hormones (PMS) make me want to go shopping and buy tons of girly stuff like makeup and clothing.

It wouldn't be a proper series without at least 3 installments, right?  So here goes, and don't forget to click as usual. I've run out of pictures I like out of that batch, so next week should see something different. Happy HNT!

Oh, what the heck... There WAS one other picture I liked out of that series, so this week, you get a bonus. This one isn't clickable though.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!