I’ve been neglecting my blog a little, uh? It’s because things have been pretty hectic in my world. I’m staying with Boy Toy for a while and it involved a lot of preparation. Then there’s work, which is getting busier and busier. So far I’ve managed to avoid overtime almost completely, but in the next few weeks I doubt I’ll escape it. Still, even without extra hours the busy days leave me tired and not too inclined to write.

Things are good though. This little stint at Boy Toy’s going super well. We enjoy each other’s company without overdoing it, which is the key, I think. Surprisingly, there actually seems to be less tension between us, overall, than before. 

Unfortunately, living together hasn’t meant more sex. That’s the downside of keeping busy… Or maybe I just need to make it happen. I’m supposed to be the dominant partner after all, right? This is something I’ve asked Boy Toy about, but I didn’t exactly choose the right time and nothing useful came out of the conversation.

Since the botched talk, I’ve been giving this some thought. And here’s what I think: I’ve been teetering on the edge of domination, sometimes going forward but always eventually pulling back, because I don’t feel like I turn him on as much without the D/s. Maybe it’s insecurity talking, or maybe I’m PMS-ing. Those damn hormones can sure be tricky! But the bottom line is, I kinda want him to be helplessly horny over me all the time. Ok, ok, I’m exaggerating. But I don’t want it to absolutely require kinky shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dominating Boy Toy. I love the dynamics that we have. But I don’t want to end up resenting it because without it, he doesn’t want as much sex. So when I start thinking that maybe I could simply make it happen more, I don’t do it. I shy away from it. I want him to want me, without my dominating him. Why should I have to order him to give me oral sex to get any? Couldn’t it come from him, too?

I’ve asked him that, and he said: “Well, when you tell me to do it, I do it, so it does come from me.”  Hurm. Sure, but I still have to tell him to do it.

I guess what it comes down to is, sometimes I’d love for him to initiate a bit more. I think he doesn’t do it because of his submissive side. Or maybe we just haven’t established clear enough “protocols” and he doesn’t know what he can or cannot do.  

Whatever the reason, I need to know for sure I turn him on even when I’m not being the dom. I mean, I know he is attracted to me. He does compliment me a lot. He tells me I’m hot, I’m sexy, I’m pretty. It’s adorable and heart-warming. But he doesn’t get near as excited without domination as he does with. Which I guess is the whole point… So why am I making a fuss again? Right, insecurity.

I imagine I should just get it into my head that it’s normal his kinks have a much more intense effect on him than plain old vanilla sex. And come to terms with my insecurity, which it would seem is the real reason for my sometimes holding back on the D/s and kink.  

What silly creatures we can be. I should just let go and enjoy what I’ve got. Quit worrying about stuff and live my damn life to the fullest…

All that being said, I want to reiterate that things are good. I was only sharing some of the things I think and wonder about; maybe it’ll give you food for thoughts.