Pain & mind games
• April 5th, 2009 • by Elle
We have friends, a couple, who are real kinky. They don't usually give us any details of their sex life, but I've seen scratch marks and they go to fetish parties/clubs all the time. So yeah, they're kinky. Besides, we've touched the subject... just not in depth.
I know the guy much more than I know the girl. M has been a friend of mine for years, we've even had our almost-fling at one point. I know he likes latex, loves a girl who dresses the part. It's a big fetish of his. He loves a girl who wears a choker, and I've heard snatches about bondage and, mostly, pain.
His girlfriend, let's call her M2, I don't know quite as much. He's been seeing her since last summer but I just haven't gotten on a personal level with her. That isn't to say I don't like her or anything, just don't really know her all that much. She is younger.
I wrote of her once. It was when she and M were just starting to date. She asked me, then, "Who’s dominant and who’s submissive? Who gives the pain?” It led me to think that her and M’s kink is more geared towards physical pain than mine and Boy Toy's.
It still seems to be the case. Last Friday, we were hanging out around a few drinks and the subject of D/s came up. A friend asked M2 if her boyfriend, M, was more sub or dom. "About 75% dominant", she said. And when asked about her own preferences, she replied that she would like to be more dominant, but wasn't very good at giving pain. (I might add here that she's not very big.)
Hmmm. So dominating someone is only about pain?
I beg to differ. I barely ever hurt Boy Toy, except maybe that time I cropped him. No, I'd say it's about control. Mind games. Having the other at your mercy and wondering at what you'll do next. It's the satisfaction of seeing your partner obey your orders, knowing that you have that power over them, that if you tell him to stand on all four so you can fuck him with a dildo, he'll do it. It's spying for the tell-tale drop of pre-cum that betrays his arousal when you tell him he's yours. Looking at him kneel naked in front of you for 10 minutes every morning. Or locking his cock in a CB6000 and watch him act more and more submissive. It's whispering "You're my property" in his ear when he's about to fall asleep, and listening to him tell of his kinky dreams, the next morning.
Of course, I realise some people are simply into pain. To each their kink. But I think if they limit themselves to this aspect of things, they are missing out. So I told M2 we should have a talk over coffee, sometime.
Category: Domination, Ramblings | 
11 Comments »
April 6th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I think limiting yourself to one aspect of something is missing out but… On the other hand, maybe they have tried other aspects and nothing more than their singular one appeals to them? Maybe not. Just a thought.
Happy Monday!
April 6th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Well yes, of course. Maybe they did. I haven’t discussed this in great depths with them. But she’s younger and strikes me as… inexperienced? She’s gotten into this because of him so I’m not sure just how much of it she grasps and if there’s anything at all that comes from her. I’m aware I’m judging the book by its cover.
But I can’t help but think, from the impressions I get, that she’d probably like the whole psychological aspect of it more than the pain. Maybe one day I’ll know
April 6th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I think getting together with her to talk is a good idea. You might each turn each other on to something new.
Personally, I’m a fan of both of these flavors of bdsm, and I think they can both add a lot to a relationship. Yay for variety!
While the examples you mentioned are definitely hot, I think being taken by force and pushed beyond your comfort level is also really hot. Very animalistic and raw.
Also, from my experience, switches in general aren’t as big on d/s as other bdsmers are. There are exceptions, but I’ve found this to be true pretty often.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Wow, great minds think alike.
I love it when she hurts me, that’s just frosting on the cake. The main course is all about control.
Great post.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:22 am
[...] 6, 2009 in Life Elle, over on Kink Unleashed, has the other side of the fence’s perspective on the control thing. I’d say it’s about control. Mind games. Having the other at your mercy [...]
April 6th, 2009 at 11:48 am
It IS interesting how different D/s relationships can be. It’ll be interesting how your ‘chat’ goes.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Roo-roo: Maybe I will get together and talk with her. It’s just not someone I know very much, and this is a very, very personal subject. I’ll see…
As for being taken beyond your comfort level… I’m sure I did it to Boy Toy when I used my strap-on on him
I didn’t know this about switches. Of course, I only have my own, pretty limited, experience to draw from.
Thumper: Pain is still something I have trouble with. I don’t like receiving it, and I’m not crazy about giving it either. But we make do
Vixen: Yes! I guess I’m so caught up in my own experiences sometimes I forget things can be different. I might talk to her.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
This has actually made me think about how Mister and I go about things. Pain plays a large part in our times when the d/s comes to the fore in our playing. I’m more of the pain person than he is. I really am turned on by the spanking (hands and whips) and when he drives me so hard with his fingers that there’s too much pleasure it’s too much to handle.
I want to now take things further and explore the mind-led dominance. Both for him and for me when we switch.
I see a musing post in this….ta hun x
April 7th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Thanks, LadyP. I would imagine the mind side of it is involved in pain-play. Lying there in anticipation for the next blow, knowing you’re letting your partner do this to you… So you get both.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I agree with Roo, its all grist to the mill. You may not be comfortable dishing it out now, neither did Sandy for some years. As she got used to it though its got so she loves to do it.
It may not be for you, but I wouldnt discount it! Its fun
April 11th, 2009 at 7:23 am
[...] Relationships, Submission, LadyP, Power, Sex, Spanking, Love, Things are not right) I read a very interesting post by Elle recently. It got me thinking. How exactly do Mister and I run this ship of [...]