Conspiracy theories are all the rage these days. "Big Brother is watching!" If the government is watching you, who else is? Which in turn brings the thought: What if I was "found out"? I think about that, sometimes. A few weeks ago, I went downtown for a day of professional training. My boss decided I should know more stuff. When I got the email confirmation for the activity, it said I could bring my laptop, that there would be wireless Internet available. My first thought was that it'd be cool to have it with me. I could check email, maybe even chat if things got too boring. But then I remembered how full my hard drive is of naughty pictures and stuff related to my blog. Hmm. Kinda risky, especially with some of this shit right on my desktop. Of course, I could move everything to a less conspicuous location, but still. Who knows who can access my 'puter when I'm on a public, non-secure wireless network? And what about when I'd leave the laptop in the classroom during lunch? I'm probably just paranoid, but I decided I'd content myself with taking notes. Besides, it's my own personal machine, not my work's, and it wasn't mandatory to bring one along.    As I was sitting there, listening to our teacher throw his technical babble at us, I watched the other participants and remembered my left-behind laptop. What WOULD happen if I was found out? Probably not much. Except that some people I know would look at me (and Boy Toy) quite differently ;) It is my opinion that whatever you do with your private life is your own business, as long as no one gets [unwillingly] hurt. You want to wear a latex bunny outfit to have sex? Fine by me. You require that your partner spanks your butt three times a day? Yeah, and? No, seriously, who's business is it? It always amazes me, to hear people go on about such things. So scandalous! Right. And why? People can be such hypocrites. Americans especially [generally]. Mikey, in his most recent post, brings up this hypocrisy:

"Yes I remember Britney gyrating around sexually in a schoolgirl uniform or catsuit, while it was claimed in all seriousness that she was a good christian 'virgin'."

Virgin or not, sex sells. But let's not admit THAT! No way. We are good Christians and we do not do the Naughty. Except that they are huge consumers of porn. Strange indeed. But let's go back to being discovered. While thinking about this, I couldn't help but wonder if, should it happen, it could, somehow, affect my job. Vixen addressed something similar, recently, and again in another post, where she mentions the case of a girl who's boss took her aside to tell her, after she went out with friends one night, "that she needed to monitor her behavior outside of the work environment bc what she does reflects on the company". Really? Does our behaviour outside of work reflect said workplace? I think it depends if your position is a public one or not, and I think it depends on whether you associate your less acceptable actions with your workplace... In my case, I never mention my work except to say things like "I was at work". I mean, I never name my place of employment. I do not mix this part of my life with my professional life. And I don't do it on any other type of social networking Internet thingies [i.e., Facebook, Myspace and the likes]. My drunken weekend partying pictures or half-nekkid blog pictures should not affect, in any way, my job, because I don't post our company logo right along with those pictures. So I would hope, should my superiors at work ever find out, that they would say "So what?". Yet I've read recently that in the UK, the government is considering monitoring social networking sites such as Facebook. There are already "Big Brother" outcries, I'm sure. I'm just not sure whether we should worry or not. Do the governments really have time to check out everything out there and punish harmless behaviour, even if it's not so socially acceptable? I should hope they are working on other [real] problems. Still, I can't help but think, here, of all my Facebook friends that advertise every time they go to a fetish event... Like it or not, BDSM is still frown upon by the majority, even if it's none of their damn business. Sad indeed.

Insecurity. Yeah, yeah. We all know I've got it. I fight it and fight it and fight it. But it has a strange fluid nature: I don't always feel insecure. No. Boy Toy and I were talking about sexy clothes, the other night. I thought we had a different view on this subject because of our gender difference, but in retrospect, it was probably insecurity on my part. Well, maybe a bit of the boy-girl thing, too. Whenever he talks about a sexy style that I would consider trashy (because the snob in me believes there's a classy way to do sexy) I end up feeling... I don't know. As if he is saying I should dress that way. That the way I dress isn't sexy enough or something. Yeah, I know. He told me that most of the girls he knew who would once in a while dress very provocatively did it in fact to boost their confidence. They would revel in the attention they got, in how sexy they felt. When he said that, I explained that I have to be in a certain frame of mind to dress sexy at all, I have to feel comfortable with myself. And all of a sudden, I was crying [editor's note: PMS]. The rest of the conversation was pretty difficult as the insecurity-beast in me raged and raged. Then we smoothed things out and people arrived. We drank our usual shots and went out dancing. As I walked in the club, this song I like was playing. Boy Toy wasn't even done checking his coat, I was already on the dance floor. And there I was, all of a sudden feeling pretty damn sexy and completely self-confident. I was alone on the dance floor. Well, not literally alone, there were many others dancing. But I wasn't dancing with anyone I know. Oh, I saw a friend or two, waved and smiled, but I went on dancing in my little private universe. In this universe of mine, I was a goddess. I grooved to the beats and the melodies, my limbs fluid, my movements speaking of sex. I totally owned the dance floor. Ahhh, there's no dancing like drunken dancing! This is where the thought hit me, that insecurity is such a liquid thing. In my vodka-induced state, this made a lot of sense and I recall thinking, I should remember this and write about it on my blog. Then another thought: I'm Elle, from Kink Unleashed, and no one here is the wiser. I write about kinky sex and post alluring and provocative pictures of myself. Oh how sexy and confident I felt, right at that moment. I guess it's a start?

Boy Toy usually helps me with my HNT pictures, but not so this week. These are self-portraits. Feeling independent last Sunday, I grabbed the camera, shut myself in the bathroom and proceeded with my own personal photoshoot. I'm not even close to half the photographer he is but... these are mine and that makes them a little more personal. Happy HNT! 

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!   

I go to Boy Toy's a few times a week to work out, and last Wednesday, after my workout, Boy Toy offered to give me a massage. I lay down on his couch, naked, and he sat on top of me. He gave me a wonderful, erotic massage which ended with his tongue between my legs and as he was licking and suckling, I was thinking of how I could get this to happen more often. It's a hard subject to bring up, I find. I didn't want him to feel insulted or pressured, I just wanted more intimate moments because they feel great and I need this intimacy with him. The thing is, I find we let life intrude too much, we don't make enough time for these fleeting moments of sensuality.  I decided the best way to go about this was to make a new rule for him: he'd have to give me three orgasms per weekend. Sounded reasonable. More than what we usually have, yet far from impossible. Yes, this was definitely a good idea I was having while his face was buried in my crotch. While fantasizing about my new rule, I came pretty hard. And I purposefully ignored Boy Toy's cock. No orgasm for him, not that night. The next day, over IM, I told him about my new rule. To make it even more appealing, I told him if he complied, he would be allowed one orgasm during the week (he is forbidden to cum unless allowed). I had considered imposing a punishment if he failed, but in the end I opted for a reward. I felt this was more fun and positive. Sounds like a great deal, no? I thought so, anyway, and Boy Toy seemed to as well. Friday came along and as usual, I showed up at his place. We had a friend over then went to bed early and... went right to sleep. The next morning, he got up before me, as usual, but instead of showering with me like he normally does, he said he'd shower later. Hmmm... To move matters along, when I got out of the shower, I grabbed Boy Toy's shiny, sexy cock ring and looked at him with a knowing smile. That's about all it took for him to pull down his pants and put the thing on. It must have been around 1 PM. Later that night, before our friends were due to come over, I tried talking with Boy Toy about my new rule. I was disappointed and upset that nothing had come of it. Unfortunately, we aren't always very good at communicating and it turned into a fight... We dropped the subject and made up before anyone arrived and simply left it at that. No use ruining the evening for ourselves or anyone else. We had a great time, partied with our friends, went out, then came back and went to bed, Boy Toy still wearing his cock ring. Sunday morning, as I was sipping my coffee, Boy Toy kneeled on the couch, naked, for his daily 10 minutes of submission. I didn't have to remind him, like I usually do on weekends. And as he kneeled there, exposed and vulnerable, I idly mentioned that perhaps he needed some... discipline. Maybe a little spanking would help him. "How many spanks should I give you?", I asked. I had planned on doubling his number but since he said "zero" and then "two", I opted for 10. And so, as soon as his 10 minutes were up, I told him to get on hands and knees. He obeyed, and I cropped the hell out of his ass. Now, this is not something I usually do. I must have spanked him once before, when I played at being a cop with Boy Toy. I went a little harder this time and left marks. A first. After Boy Toy's spanking, I allowed him to finally remove the cock ring and we showered. When I took off my shorts and underwear, I realized the cropping had left me wet, a fact that I made sure to point out. Once we were nice and clean, we went back up in his little sun room and frolicked in the sun. He went down on me and we had sex, it was hot, steamy, lovely. Now... Now I'm back home and these things have been going round and round in my head. I've often reflected on the line between D/s and "real life" and if these events prove anything, it's that the line is not clearly drawn in my mind. I tried using D/s to resolve a problem. Well, not a problem per say, but a situation which, in my opinion, could improve. I thought it was a good idea; Boy Toy gets all subby and turned on when I order him around. But when this didn't work, I got upset because things didn't improve AND because Boy Toy didn't obey. We got into an argument over it. And on top of everything, the next day, I punished him for it! I called it discipline, but I'm pretty sure my frustrations had a lot to do with it. Talk about a blurry line... So yeah. I feel kinda bad. Well except for the crop marks, I'm pretty proud of those. Thankfully, my Boy Toy's quite smitten with me and doesn't hold such things against me. I'm a lucky owner.

In a recent post, I mentioned a dream of Boy Toy's which started a whole conversation on D/s and 24/7. Perhaps you were curious about this dream. Well, ladies and gentlemen, wonder no more. I give you Boy Toy's dream! Ok, so it's about the living together trial thing or the two weeks slave thing. Something happened and we need to talk, and I’m kneeling in my usual submissive position on the couch, like I do in the morning. You tell me you’ve decided that for you, it has to be full on 24/7 and before I can muster any words you’ve put on me collar, cuffs, ankle cuffs and ball cuff! Then I remember a talk about punishments. You had me get the saw horse out and told me to always have it accessible downstairs, and you made me put hooks on it that you would use to cuff me up and you would leave me there for a while... to think about the rule I broke. And you punished me right then, for attempting to negotiate conditions without getting into position first. :$ Then there is the punishment thing again but you're training me. From now on, when you tell me that something will cost me punishment, I’m to take your crop down to the horse and wait there, and if I hesitate it’s one month in the CB6000!!! I was in quite a predicament, where I didn’t want to be cropped but I really, really feared one month in CB!!!  I just remember thinking you had really out manoeuvered me on that one :$ There's a part where you ask me to paint the saw horse black. I guess aesthetics matter even in dreams :D Then you're away at work and I’m here naked and cuffed up and I'm checking the cuffs to see if I could remove them "in case of emergency" :D  And the cat (yes the cat) is talking to me, saying "Bad idea, I would not fuck around with those, dude, you never know, she could find out and you would really be in shit" and I'm talking back just like it’s absolutely normal! (And the worse part is, at that point I woke up and she’s sitting right on my chest looking at me! I think my stare scared her as I was praying that she wouldn’t say anything, I was half asleep here!). Another part that was really vivid is again me kneeling on the couch (the same position again but with my arms in the back) and we're going through a review of our situation, or mine. You are saying that things have drastically improved and that I’m starting to acknowledge deep down that I am your full property or toy boy. You say that there are a few improvements still needed and you want to improve punishments and... masturbation (as in, me doing it in front of you). And I’m saying "My Owner, as for masturbation, I’m really shy about that, I don’t think I can and is there a way we don’t do that..." and you come back with it being a challenge and pleasure for you and that it will be worked on. Just got nervous there, seems there was nothing I could do, it’s a limit she wants to break. You're making me take shooters, saying you want me to let my guard down, and I’m noticing I’m drunk and agreeing and even giving you suggestions which I know I’ll be sorry later for saying. Let’s leave those out. ;) I have a clear memory of you, at one point in the dream, pointing inside the place (house) and saying this is our environment or private world, you live a 24/7 and will come to accept it. Then I'm cooking with the chain-harness on, and you're saying it would be my chef's outfit. I remember getting down into position because you want me to cook like this for friends, and I’m scared as to which friends you mean and how I can get myself out. Anyways, lots of other parts, like kinky control things that I’m not sure where they fit in, it was kinda mixed up but vivid. There were practices to make me acknowledge ownership, and training things.... That’s about it I think.

I was at Boy Toy's Monday to work out, and I asked him to help me with my next HNT post. "Let's take a more clothed picture, for a change" he said, surprising me. For he's a guy after all: the less clothing the better, no? We looked through the bunch of clothes I have at his place and found this ultra short, sleek and shiny black skirt. Hmmm... I guess it still counts as more clothed. To be frank, though, we had a hard time coming up with an idea for these pictures. We tried a few things and a few places before opting for what you see below. Sooo if anyone has a suggestion for next week... Anyone? By the way, I had a bit of fun with Photoshop on these shots. Boy Toy sent me a link with instructions on how to do a cross-processing effect. Decided I'd try my hand at it (it's easy, actually) and Boy Toy loved the results so I thought I'd defer to his judgement and show you. Don't ask me what cross-processing is, though. Some photography thing. And since I'm no expert, I can't tell if the Photoshop effect is good :D Happy HNT!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!  

Wow, I sure wrote quite the post the other day. I felt a little confused over the place D/s has in our relationship. Scared is probably the better term; 24/7 sounds hardcore and scary, to me. But in retrospect, I realize I asked the wrong question. That's what roo-roo said, anyway, and he's right. Besides, I answered my own question right in my post: "With time, I’ve come to sort of admit that our relationship is 24/7, or at least some aspects of it are, since I basically decide when and how we play." No, I think the real issue is to find the correct balance, as web said. I really like the way roo-roo puts it, too:

"24/7 doesn’t have to mean that d/s flavors every single interaction. It can be a constant background hum which occasionally gets louder and fades.

Rather than focusing on whether you’re 24/7 or not, I think it’s best to look at where each of you want this to go. How do you want things to be? What do you want to explore or get a tiny taste of? What have you tried that you want more of? These are the things you may want to look at rather than the “game vs. lifestyle” question."

And this is something we haven't really done. We just let things flow as they will. I imagine balance will be achieved naturally, with time... Or will it? I sure hope so because I can't seem to bring myself to set rules and protocols and define clear limits. It would take a lot of fun out of it, for me. And it sounds like too much work ;) In my post, I also did sorta kinda mention that D/s shouldn't be a solution to relationship issues. I said: "As for my insecurity, I told him I’m not sure domination is the answer. I want the relationship to work well on its own, not rely on D/s or something like that. I told him he can help me feel secure with his feelings for me, which he indeed does." Well, the next day I happened to read a wonderfully written post on just this subject, written by Devastating Yet Inconsequential. I mention it because she has a much clearer way with words than I and her post is worth reading (as is the rest of her blog). -------------------------- On another note, Boy Toy and I took a few pictures tonight. As a matter of fact, I took a few naked pictures of him this weekend, while he was kneeling in front of me for his daily 10 minutes of submission. But those are for my eyes only. The pictures we took tonight, though, are meant for my next HNT. I had just finished training and I was hungry, which means I was grumpy. Poor Boy Toy! I really did my best not to be too bitchy. But it seems like none of his ideas pleased me. First he had me sitting on the cold, cold washing machine with nothing but a skimpy short skirt on. Ouch! Then he thought we should do something with a little weight (for weight lifting). Something about training. In the end, I opted for an equally skimpy skirt, this one tight and shiny. And socks, knee high socks. Stay tuned!

There were no kinky dreams for Boy Toy this week, but the week before saw plenty of them. And as usual, his dreams revolve around hardcore 24/7. Check them out if you want to have a little look in the deepest, darkest corners of Boy Toy's head. This latest bunch of dreams got us talking about full on 24/7. It certainly isn't the first time this happens, and it certainly isn't the first time I give this whole thing serious thought. For proof, you only need read this post, this one, this one and this one... And the list probably goes on. This time, the conversation went on via emails we sent each other while I was at work. It started when Boy Toy sent me his last dream, one which I haven't posted yet. It involved training and punishment, rules about masturbating in front of me or him having to wait for me by the sawhorse, with the crop, when he did anything that called for punishment. When I told him this was quite a nice dream, he said: "In reality, I'm not sure I'm 24/7 convertible though." This got me thinking. With time, I've come to sort of admit that our relationship is 24/7, or at least some aspects of it are, since I basically decide when and how we play. Most of our time is spent living a "normal" relationship but if I were to say "tonight, I'm tying you up and using my strap-on harness and dildo on you", he would oblige. Unless he really wasn't in the mood, which I would respect, but that's rare. Not only that, but, and that's what I told him in my reply, I've come to link his submissiveness to me with his feelings for me. I'm not sure I explained it properly to him in my following emails, but I said this because I had vague thoughts that he submits because it's ME and because he loves me. As if his love makes him feel powerless to resist. It makes him see me as superior, he puts me on a pedestal and finds himself incapable of resisting my will. This last image is exaggerated but I can't seem to find a better way to explain it. I guess it's a question of caring and respect for me. If he didn't feel these things, what would compel him to obey me when I come up with some nasty idea (aside from the fact that it turns him on...)? And I guess I'm right in a way, because Boy Toy said in his reply that he'd let no one else be his "owner" like I am. Yes, that's probably what I meant. Sure, submitting is kinky and it turns him on, but the deeper, fuller aspect of it, the ownership part, is linked to his feelings for me. And that's what I've been feeling, yet hadn't really thought about and hadn't put into words. But Boy Toy went even further in his contemplations. He told me that early one morning recently, when he was half asleep, he started thinking about my insecurity and tried putting himself in my shoes to try to understand. And in his mind, he tried using domination to deal with it. He imagined himself as me, thinking "Wow! This male is my property and I can collar him if I want." He saw himself using an authoritative tone of voice and locking him up, showing him who's in charge, and punishing him if he resisted. He used kink and domination to overcome insecurity and thought that the more he (as me) would train this male, the more secure he'd feel. And then he realized, in his imaginary situation, that full submission was the solution. He even imagined himself using my blog to discuss this with others and he figured that my readers would cheer me on, imagining my toy boy naked and always collared. It dawned on him, he says, that this could be a perfect relationship where my security would be enforced by his submission. And to think that in the same email, Boy Toy also says he has commitment issues. If this is what commitment means to him, I guess I understand his fears. But I still think he should trust me. As I often tell him, I'm not out to hurt him or make him unhappy.

His email made me think, though. What's this, enforcing? I don't think I like the term... Despite my supposed domination of him. And so in my reply, I told him I had a problem with having to enforce his submission, that I sort of think it should come from how he feels about me. As for my insecurity, I told him I'm not sure domination is the answer. I want the relationship to work well on its own, not rely on D/s or something like that. I told him he can help me feel secure with his feelings for me, which he indeed does. But then he got confused, because from my first emails, he got the impression that I was interested in D/s being built into the relationship, but later on I say it should be a separate thing. I think I'm more confused than he is, though. Going through our email conversation even now, I'm not sure I fully understood what he told me, and I'm quite certain what I said was pretty much all over the place. Hmmm... He went on saying that the thought of D/s being built into our relationship makes him hot and that he was curious about it. Seems that if I told him that's what I wanted, he'd definitely go for it, and be wet doing it. But at the same time, it scares him to tell me that because he fears my doing it simply because he would like it, which would just make him feel really, really bad. So, what does this all mean? Frankly, I've been thinking about this post for the last few days now and more so today, as I was writing it. I read that email conversation again and again... And I'm still just as confused. Perhaps more. Should D/s be a game only or is it actually part of our relationship? It certainly isn't all D/s, all the time, since we discuss things and take decisions together and I respect him and his needs as much as possible. Things certainly don't always go my way. Yet he fully acknowledges my control of his orgasms and when I tell him not to have one unless given permission, he obeys. For him, that is borderline 24/7. A little more than borderline, even. I guess Boy Toy says it best: "In terms of a relationship, it is hard to judge where the line is drawn. Maybe the nice thing about the dreams is it was clear, but nothing is clear in life as you know it. But in all, I am confortable with you, quite confortable, so relax and enjoy eh? " I'll try, Boy Toy. I'll try.

It's a challenge to come up with hot - and different - HNT pictures every week. No, really ;) Boy Toy and I have gotten into the habit of coming up with my HNT pictures on Sunday afternoons, before I go back home. It's great: it's quickly done and it means different pictures every week. Still, we gotta have an idea, first! Last Sunday, I rummaged through our toy box and found some bondage tape. We figured we could do something with it... et voilà! Enjoy (and click)!

 Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place! 

This one is fucked up. First thing I remember is that we are with friends having shooters, listening to music and some word is going around, I remember M saying with a smile that he knows someone’s going to get some chastity device. He doesn't say it directly like that, he's sort of hinting at it and others are asking him questions while I’m confused, wondering what this is about and wondering if he's talking about me. It’s a new device, and word is that it’s 100% safe. It’s like he is saying that something is going to happen here tonight. Just remember a few bits as I’m kinda worried... what guy wouldn’t be. Ha! Then next scene, I’m downstairs. I didn’t want to go because of the "word" going around and I think I was tricked or forced there, not sure. And there is another couple there, a friend of yours or something, just not that close I think. And then I’m forced into this bound position and I remember saying "oh fuck it was me" but your friend or whatever also has the boy toy thing going with her guy. And he’s getting his chastity device put on first as I watch him, bound. Next thing I remember, he’s standing naked with his on and there I am, bound in this tight position with my boy parts fully accessible and I remember trying to struggle and you saying “struggle all you want, this is going on you”. I remember the fear of this like chastity thingy, which has a tube going up the urethra, and I'm really stressed as I know I have no choice. I just remember a feeling of fear yet falling into your hands and knowing any resistance was futile, like you knew what was best. It's kinda scary when I think of it now, and knowing how that thing worked! Fuckin’ Yikes! :D Then it’s on me and you are untying me. Oh! Prior to that or while you were putting it on, there is this vision of the devices soaking in liquid, in some plastic container, don’t know why I remember that, it’s like clear as day! After that there is this little scene of training, but mostly her boy toy, you are showing her what to do next and explaining her things, for instance that she had to allow him a little time to alter his state as he realizes all his orgasms are under her full control... You are imparting her with owner knowledge. Then you have me demonstrate (no details) and she’s all in awe. But there is this other kind of weird concept going on, it’s like an ownership thing, that boys are best owned, they are property and you two are talking about it without us participating in the conversation. Then there is this kinda “show them who’s the boss” demonstration, which involves spankings or something like that. Then you add a leash on my chastity thinger and we are being led upstairs to the party, and it's weird, I’m just submitting, as if I've been under the chastity thing's full effect for many weeks or something. I just remember people cheering. And I remember a part where I was talking to M and (hard to explain) I don’t have status, like he often goes through you to say things. Some things seemed to be about chastity/conditioning etc. while other things seemed to be about just... being, like life in general. It's as if you are showing your full ownership and they acknowledge it.