Out of control
A few weeks ago, I wrote that I was going through something of a dry spell. That Boy Toy and I weren’t having much sex, that I wasn’t feeling much inspired to write.
The situation hasn’t changed a whole lot since.
In fact, I feel kind of out of control. Over myself and over Boy Toy. Winter and hormones have been hitting pretty hard and let’s just say that the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I try – and fail – not to impose it on Boy Toy, who is so totally different than me he has a hard time getting me (I blame this on the fact that he is a boy and I am a girl). I try not to lash out, not to say anything, not to ask for reassurance, because I know it’s such a mess in my head, it can’t possibly make sense to him when I blurt it out. It would be much better if I waited until it made sense to me, so I could explain it properly. And so I could tell him exactly what it is I want. As it is, I start with saying something is wrong and by the end of the conversation, I’ve asked him 10 different things and we’ve both lost track. Yeah, out of control…
It’s hard to be very kinky when you feel like this, so not much has been going on there. I haven’t even tried my new strap-on yet. We have sex, just not quite as often as usual and mostly it’s shower sex (quite nice). But I’ve kinda let kink go. I feel like I’ve lost that control and I don’t like it. But he’s been especially busy too, so it seems we’re both just not in the mood.
He still isn’t allowed to cum unless given permission, which means he only cums during the weekend, when/if we have sex. And he still kneels naked for 10 minutes every morning, for me. However, these are things that happen while I’m not there and he doesn’t mention them, so they remain sort of abstract, unreal, in my mind.
Once in a while I make a comment, ask a question, try to regain a bit of my control over him. For a few fleeting moments, I recapture these feelings of confident domination. This morning, for instance. I got up a while after him and walked downstairs, naked and messy haired. There he was, wearing sweat pants and a tank and I asked him why he was dressed, told him to take his clothes off. Once he had made my coffee, I had him kneel in front of me, for his 10 minutes. My 10 minutes.
I watched him, enjoying the view as I always do. He saw the proprietary look in my eye and it made him wet – I caught him wipe an errand drop once or twice. After a few minutes, I said it would look pleasing if he kept his hands behind his neck. Then I got up, grabbed the camera and shot a few pictures of my lovely Boy Toy.
Once the 10 minutes were over, we showered, had sex, ate breakfast and went on with our day. These were just a few moments, but it felt like I had found myself again. I felt a little less out of control.
Category: Ramblings | 
9 Comments »
February 9th, 2009 at 8:09 am
We all go through dry spells sometimes for various reasons. It’s nothing abnormal, just a part of life. From what you wrote here, I think you’ll pull out of this one.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:50 am
just the ebbs and flows of life.
so he kneels in front of you admiring your pussy? sort of kneeling to the ‘alter’ one could say.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Glad to see you ending your dry spell.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
It’s hard to be very kinky when you feel like this, so not much has been going on there[..] But I’ve kinda let kink go. I feel like I’ve lost that control and I don’t like it. But he’s been especially busy too, so it seems we’re both just not in the mood.
This kind of thing happens. It’s easy to get the idea that relationships are 24/7 sexfests of flogging, bondage, and other kinky diversions, but real life happens: you get stressed over work, somebody gets sick, the winter doldrums bog you down, the cold mornings make it hard to get started.
You know how to get it back – the trick is now to figure out how much you need to do and how often so you don’t get discouraged. You know, just like in relationships without kink
February 9th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I won’t pretend to tell you your business but… it seems to me like you need a lot more doing as opposed to just watching or talking about it. xD
February 9th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
roo-roo: You’re right, but I tend to get scared by dry spells or arguments or anything of the sort. I’m silly that way, I sorta expect my relationship to be perfect all the time. No wonder I feel so out of control!
rogue: To be quite honest, I had a blanket on me so he didn’t have much of a view… the poor thing
Nolens Volens: It’s phases. Right now I feel pretty good so it must have been those damn hormones… *sigh*
Tom: Very true. I have to stop thinking it should be like in a porno or something!
Blackwill: I’m not sure I get what you mean. Elaborate? Like, are you saying I should quit whining and worrying, and whip my Boy Toy into submission?
February 11th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Sometimes I feel as if it takes so much *work* to be kinky. Or to be into kink. I don’t always feel that way, sometimes it comes very easily. But recently, that is how I feel.
*sigh*
So I can relate. I feel as if we have so much in common in regards to our situations.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Yes, I guess when I’m not feeling great, kink does feel like work. There’s other, more personal things, too. Boy Toy and I need to get better at communicating, I think.
It does sound like we have a lot in common. Too bad we can’t chat over a cup of coffee sometime
February 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Or a beer!