Given the subject matter of my blog, I assume many or most of my readers know what a BDSM checklist is. But I didn't, when I first started seeing Boy Toy. For those of you who might not know, a BDSM checklist is a list of sexual activities related to sadism and masochism, power play, fetishes, kink... There are different lists out there (for instance, here, here and here), but the bottom line is that for each activity, one must indicate their level of experience and their willingness to explore it - or not. These checklists are usually filled out by submissives and given to potential Doms. I believe the idea is to help along with pre-play negotiations. From what I've read online, it is suggested for the Dom to fill one out as well, and then compare lists to see if both players are compatible. That's not really how it happened with Boy Toy and I. He's the one who mentioned the thing to me in the first place, since I didn't know about it. I wanted to know what he liked, kinky sex wise, and he's not one to just enumerate his kinks in a casual conversation. I've bothered him with this many times, and the best he can come up with is: "It's no fun if I just tell you, better if you find out." Humph. All well and good, but... I'm new at this. Remember? Oh and I'm insecure, too (someday I'll stop using this as an excuse/crutch, I swear). He tells me I should do whatever I feel like, but I'm not that imaginative, and I don't really feel like doing anything he'd hate. I'm a junkie for his reactions, I love, love, love seeing him gasp, blush, get wet, hard... But the opposite is also true and any negative reaction just kills me.  So somewhere in our conversations, the BDSM checklist came up. He had filled one out for a previous partner, it turns out, and I think he still had it. But that was a long time ago and things change, so I decided he should fill it out again, for me. As an assignment. A few days later, he shyly presented me with a bundle of pages. Ten pages. This particular checklist comes in five columns. The first one lists the activities, naturally. In the second column, Boy Toy had to indicate with a yes if he'd ever done the activity, and for each of the activities he had done, in the next column he had to mark how he felt about said activity (0 means did not like at all, 5 means a wild turn-on). That's three columns. In column number four, for each activity he'd never tried before, he had to write if he wants to explore it, the choices of answers being yes, no, maybe, as punishment and not yet. Finally, in the last column, for each yes, maybe and not yet, he had to indicate how he felt about exploring the activity in question, with the same scale from 0 to 5. Ten pages means a LOT of activities. Some of them, I must admit, have me raising an eyebrow. Cold room? What, does that mean I'd lock him up in a cold room? Or delibaretly keep the heat low, in winter, and force him to strip? I also admit I don't know what's the difference between "Daddy/boy" and "Daddy/boi". Dilation. Injections. Gun play?! I guess I'll be Googling these eventually... Nonetheless, this is a great, great tool to have. This list is a complete, in-depth tour of Boy Toy's kinky side. For instance, thanks to the checklist, I know that he's already been given away temporarily (he liked that) but never tried gun play (phew!). He likes house rules, but house work not so much. Humiliation is ok in private, but not in public. I know that he's never tried harness-suspension play but would very much like to. This is  where I got the idea of trying hypnosis play (he'd never tried it before, but was pretty turned on by the idea). I haven't used Boy Toy's checklist to negotiate anything with him. I use it to know how to get to him. So a tool of power, not one of negotiation. I haven't filled it out in return, either. It's my opinion that I totally won on this one, and if I ever lost the list, I'd definitely have him fill out a new one.

Looking back, I realize I tend to apologize for my HNTs. "It's a little more than half-nekkid, sorry..." "I've posted a similar picture before, but I'm sure you'll forgive me..." or "I didn't have much time today so I dug up this old picture"...

It's kind of ironic, really. I post a sexy or erotic picture, on which I'm barely dressed, and I apologize for it. Well, not this week.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place! 

Boy Toy likes to be tricked, caught. It's part of his kink; feeling like I got him, that he has no choice but to suck it in and take whatever I inflict upon him, totally turns him on. I must admit, I've never found it hard to "catch" him. He likes to put up a show of a fight, complain like the brat he is, but if I insist just a little, I have him. For instance, there was the time he offered to be my slave for two weeks. I jumped on the opportunity, and before the end of the two weeks, I ordered him to say "From now on, if my owner orders me to put on the CB6000, I will do it." And then: "From now on, I will let my owner tie me up whenever she wants." Having said these things out loud, he is now bound to honour his word. So I have a huge advantage over him. He's screwed, really. And he knows it. That's probably why he never argues whenever I suddenly decide on new rules, like taking control of his orgasms. Since last December, he hasn't been allowed to cum unless given permission, and not once has he questioned this. Sometimes I wonder, how did I get to have this power over him? I have another advantage in the fact that I'm tricky. I'm good with keys, I'm good at locking him up and hiding the key. I pretty much always have some keys hidden at his place or in my things. Boy Toy likes tricky, it gets him wet. And I like being tricky. I remember this one time in particular. Boy Toy has this weird ball of a cuff, it's these two interlocked metal rings that open and close into a sphere sort of thing, and you can lock it around someone's wrists using a little padlock. Sorry, I couldn't find a picture online. But anyway, one evening, we're hanging out and for some reason, he takes the thing out. He tells me it's a restraint and I ask him how it works. It was a simple thing, then, to get him to put it around his wrists, lock the thing up and tuck the key safely away in my pocket. Of course, before unlocking him, I took full advantage of my Boy Toy. This... fetish of his, to love getting caught so, I believe it comes from his childhood, at least in part. I've related in a previous post how when he was a kid, there were some childish games he would play with his sisters and cousins. These games involved getting caught by the others and when you were caught, you were made to do something humiliating, like stripping or being kept in a trunk. Humiliating and exciting. Hmmm, sound familiar?  I have a feeling that this dynamic between he and I, the fact that it's easy for me to trick him, makes him look up to me and feel submissive towards me. Which in turns makes it all the easier to get him to do what I want. As for me, I love the playfulness of it all, and as I've said a few times before, I totally feed off of his reactions. It's a win-win situation ;)

I wasn't going to do a HNT this week. I was at Boy Toy's tonight and only just got home. I just want to crawl into bed, snuggle under the warm blankets. I'm halfway there, really, since I'm sitting in bed with my laptop... But it isn't the same. So anyway, I got home, and figured I'd just dig up something on my computer. I've posted a picture very similar to this one before, one that was taken at the same time, but I'm sure you'll forgive me. It was that or nothing. And hey, it's got those sexy boots! Happy HNT!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place! 

I've been having a bit of a dry spell, lately. Not really feeling inspired to write, and not much happening on the sex side either. We both work hard, we hate winter, we're stressed, we're tired... All these things conspire against us. I would lie if I said it didn't bother me. After all, I still have control of his orgasms, and it used to be that after just a few days of denial, he was totally aroused, could think of nothing but sex, and he would beg me for release. Not so anymore. What can I say, life interferes! But it's ok, if it bothers me, it's just my insecurity talking. That being said, we did have something of a breakthrough, two weekends ago. You see, Boy Toy had always refused to masturbate in front of me. He felt way too self-conscious to do it. Didn't matter if I ordered him to, he was too shy to do it. And I just love a challenge. So, two weekends ago, we were in the shower together, as is our habit when I sleep over. It was Saturday morning, and we hadn't had sex yet that weekend. Come to think of it, he probably hadn't had an orgasm for at least a week. I got him all worked up, using my hands, and when he was nicely hard I took his hand and closed it around his cock. He immediately let go and started groping me, instead. I patiently put his hand back around his cock. We repeated this a few times, then when he said "Come on! Let's fuck!" I became more insistant. "Do it", I told him. And he did. A year and a half, I've been with this guy. I don't even know how many times I've tried to get him to masturbate for me, for my viewing pleasure. And I don't know what did it this time, but I'm not calling it a breakthrough for nothing! I never thought I'd find it so hot to get a guy to masturbate in front of me, for me. But it was... He was standing really close to me, close enough that he came all over me. We were under the hot water, and while he was jerking off, I was kissing him, fondling him, cajoling him. Yes, definitely hot. Now, regarding that dry spell... I have a few ideas. He still owes me two weeks as my slave. And I still haven't tried out my new toy. Then, there's the option of simply stretching the denial period, wait until it finally gets to him. Have him give me oral sex, while he gets no release... That's hot, too! Yes, there are definitely quite a few options to get us back on track.

Last week, I mentioned how Boy Toy and I had to make some adjustments to our cigarette agreement. Well, I am sad to report that the agreement has died... We both agreed to let it go, don't worry. But I'm still unsure of how I feel about it. I'm learning just how hard it is to give up control. Boy Toy is the one who asked for this. He believes that the cigarette limit wasn't helping him quit, because he kept thinking about how many cigarettes he had left for the day, he focused on it. Made him want the cigarettes more. He really wants to quit and he argued that it has to be on his own terms and he wants to be able to just smoke without worry, until he's ready. I'm not sure I put it down right, but when he explained it to me, it made sense and so I said yes. Still, I feel uneasy. It's the only rules we were able to actually keep going, and it had been over a year. I tried to address this with Boy Toy but he refuses to talk about cigarettes. Puts pressure on him, he says, because he sees it as me asking when he's quitting. It was stressing him. I backed off. But I can say it here, in a post. As long as he does quit smoking, I totally agree with our giving up on our contract. Quitting is much, much more important than any uneasy feeling I may have, obviously. Besides, there's still the 10 minutes of naked kneeling he does every morning, for me. We'll call it the replacement rule, and I'm quite happy with that. On another note, Boy Toy and I decided we'd do another trip this summer, which makes us both happy and excited. And I had major work done to my teeth AND IT'S OVER. Yay!

Why is it that when we think BDSM, we think black leather shiny things? PVC? Black high heel boots? Has this vision of kink been created by the media, or did the media really just portray what was already going on?

I can't say. But I sure as hell can wear the black PVC corset... Happy HNT!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place! 

I finally got around to editing Boy Toy's dream. I edit them because he makes little grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm anal about stuff like that. It's not long, and it's kind of cute that it incorporates us buying a house together. Everybody say "awwwww"! I had dream. We were buying a house together, but you were setting down house rules by the looks of things. You wanted me naked at all times! Then I realized that included a collar and ball cuff, and I tried to win by telling you you had said only naked, but you got frustrated in my trying to sidestep rules. I shut up because there was the threat of always being in the chain harness. Oh but you were nice, you said I could dress with special permission... I think the special permissions included working on windows. :D It was a funny purchase, we visited and it just became ours, very easy like that. I wish it was like that in real life. I don't know why but I remember the agent wearing a green dress and jacket. So then I remember a sort of ritual, I was stripping and it was meant to be the last time I'd be able to dress. I was kinda nervous in the process, especially with the fact that you seemed to look at is as the usual stripping of Boy Toy thing... like you seemed to find it common while I was nervous of loosing all clothing rights! :$ Then I realized that you were quite comfortable with your friends visiting while I was like this, and I just remember kneeling while you were locking on that little chrome collar and I was rushing before you got further, rushing to convince you to let me dress when your friends are there, and I was really panicking, trying to find the right way to ask, as you were checking the ball cuff and telling me to take this other very exposing position. I was trying to find the right words, in a panic but all the while doing what you asked, trying not to make any bad moves that would make you say no to getting dressed, once I got around to asking the right way! Then I woke up, panic saved. Yay!  :D

I wanted to post, tonight. Boy Toy emailed me a dream last week, but it needs to be edited and I'm too damn tired to do it. But I wanted to. This weekend, I managed to get myself really, really drunk. I'm not sure how I did it, all I know is I'm not too proud of myself. I went out with friends, Boy Toy was to join us later, but he ended up overlooking the time and finally, I left the club alone. Not smart. He doesn't live far, but still, I don't like walking alone at night. Drunk. In the snow and cold. I ran into him halfway home (luckily, I didn't get lost along the way). I got sick, too. I was so bad he thought someone had spiked my drink. I don't really see how that could have happened, as I drank with my friends only, but who knows. It's true that the amount I drank doesn't really explain how drunk and sick I got. Maybe I was just too tired for it. After a few hours of puking, I got myself out of the bathroom only to find Boy Toy had fallen asleep on the couch, waiting for me to get better. It was about 7 AM. I woke him up and we went to bed. I spent all of Sunday on a wicked hangover. Couldn't eat anything until 3 or 4 PM, and only had a toast. Went back to bed after that, and managed to go back to my place around 8 or 9. Felt pretty good today, so after work I spent the whole evening cleaning. It's 11 PM now and I just finished. My apartment hasn't been this clean in a long time ;) This explains the tiredness more than Saturday's mishap, actually. And there you have it. I feel pretty ashamed that I got so out of hand. So I punish myself by telling you guys about it. Oh and by doing a shitload of cleaning! Now, off to bed.

Let's get personal. Ok, you're probably thinking that I have a kinky sex blog and how much more personal can it get? But talking about my relationship with Boy Toy, our feelings, our fears, is more personal, in my opinion, than talking about our sex life. So here it goes: there is a fine line Boy Toy and I walk, in this relationship. It's something that scares us both, each from our end of the line. Boy Toy is the experienced of the two. Sure, he's older than me. But it's not just age. He's been into kink/BDSM for years and years. He's done all the naughty stuff (or, more acurately, had it done to him), he's been to all the kinky events, he's been part of the local scene. And this is where I come in. Innocent, practically a virgin (compared to him!), me. It must be appealing, in a way. To be the one that perverted me. But that's forgetting that Boy Toy is submissive. Bringing someone to the dark side kinda sounds like a dominant's trip, to me. And so rather than working hard at pushing my limits, Boy Toy lured me in, made me want to push those limits myself, all the while checking and double-checking that I was ok with it all. Doesn't sound like too delicate an operation so far, I'm sure. But it does become more convoluted if we think too much about it. If I start wondering about what *I* really want, for instance. As in, was this whole D/s thing really what I wanted, or am I only doing it for his benefit? Ah, now it's complicated! I'm sure if you had asked me, a year or two ago, if I wanted a submissive boyfriend, one that I could tie up, have kneeling naked in front of me, or fuck up the ass with my new shiny black penis, well... I would have probably freaked out a little. A lot, even. I can just picture myself shaking my head no, laughing it off. "What, are you crazy?" Yet, here I am today. But how did I get here? Why am I here? Is it, in fact, for his benefit rather than mine? It's a scary thought for me. And the truth is, I don't know the answer for sure. I'm not that great at introspection. The line between what I want and what I want to do for my lover's benefit is fine indeed, and I do not have the ability to see it. And I'm not going to say it isn't for his benefit only, just because it sounds good, saying it. I won't do that.  As for Boy Toy, the same thought also brings fear. Fear that he DID force it on me, somehow. Manipulate me into it. For him, the knowledge that I didn't actually want this, that I did it for him, would be hard to bear. He's that kind of guy. He might not be the most romantic, and he might not be the best with words, but he genuinely cares, and it's IMPORTANT to him that I feel good. Besides, it's not much of a turn on, being dominated by someone who's not really into it. So. A fine line to walk. It's like a self-doubt, for me. One of those little nagging insecurities that will disappear with time. But it scares me, and it scares him. Still, my feeling is that I wouldn't be so in love with him, after a year and a half, if I wasn't really OK with what we're doing. If I didn't like it. I doubt I'd be going around buying strap-on harnesses, if this wasn't my cup of tea. I imagine I'd find excuses to not be kinky, instead. Or simply avoid it. Which I don't. My conclusion? Way back then, I couldn't know if I wanted this or not. I couldn't know without experiencing it, because I couldn't possibly understand, then. Maybe I would have never wanted it, left to my own devices, because I didn't have enough imagination or knowledge to want it. But here I am, I've opened Pandora's box and do not wish to close it.  So there should be no hard feelings over this, whether guilt from Boy Toy or resentment on my part. Oh, and I think too much.