Label this
• December 14th, 2008 • by Elle
Ever since I started down the kinky road, I've been resistant to calling myself a "Domme". I just shied away from the term, I couldn't be a dominant, not me! Such a weird thing, too, as Boy Toy is obviously submissive and I've known this all along. If you've read how we play, you might have noticed the roles are pretty clearly defined.
As a side note, I just wanted to mention that I never know if I should use the term "Domme" or "Dom". And strangely enough, just as I was pondering this, I noticed roo-roo talks about it in his most recent post. As usual, he makes good, sensible points, so you might want to stop by if the question interests you. As for me, I'll just stick with the excuse that my first language is French, and so naturally, I feminize the word. And French is probably the right excuse, considering what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:
I just never liked putting a label on things. Or at least on me. It seems so restrictive, judgemental and full of connotations. The term "Domme" is especially prey to stereotypes. Dommes wear leather and thigh high boots with high heels, and mercilessly inflict pain on their slaves. And let's not forget that the word dominatrix is often used to describe a pro-domme, one who charges for her domination. The vanilla girl in me is not so far that this common, ignorant image of the Domme had totally disappeared.
Once I started exploring BDSM, talking about it with Boy Toy and reading about it online, it wasn't long before I knew the stereotype for what it was: a generalized misconception. I'm sure I would have known that before, but I had never stopped to really think about it.
Still, it seems that even with Boy Toy's coaching, my perception of domination was screwed enough that I refused to label myself a Domme, while I accepted more and more that perhaps, maybe, I just might have dominant tendancies.
The truth is, I was afraid of what it might mean, to be Boy Toy's Domme. It sounded like an awful lot of work. Not that I'm lazy, but did I really want to decide EVERYTHING? Lady Julia said exactly that, recently:
The term "domme" (pronounced /ˈdɒm/) is a coined pseudo-French female variation of the slang dom (short for dominant). It stems from the Latin words "dominus" = master, "domina" = mistress. The pronunciation is identical to the term "dom", by analogy to one-syllable French-derived words like femme or blonde.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Despite resisting calling myself dominant, I've happily explored this avenue. I'm playful, you see, and this was just too much fun. Lately, though, I'm starting to find that it actually turns me on, and this was a first. I mean, I liked doing it before but now, when I sit there watching him, naked and kneeling, while telling him he isn't allowed to cum, I feel this telltale throb deep in my loins. So I guess I am dominant after all.I just never liked putting a label on things. Or at least on me. It seems so restrictive, judgemental and full of connotations. The term "Domme" is especially prey to stereotypes. Dommes wear leather and thigh high boots with high heels, and mercilessly inflict pain on their slaves. And let's not forget that the word dominatrix is often used to describe a pro-domme, one who charges for her domination. The vanilla girl in me is not so far that this common, ignorant image of the Domme had totally disappeared.
Once I started exploring BDSM, talking about it with Boy Toy and reading about it online, it wasn't long before I knew the stereotype for what it was: a generalized misconception. I'm sure I would have known that before, but I had never stopped to really think about it.
Still, it seems that even with Boy Toy's coaching, my perception of domination was screwed enough that I refused to label myself a Domme, while I accepted more and more that perhaps, maybe, I just might have dominant tendancies.
The truth is, I was afraid of what it might mean, to be Boy Toy's Domme. It sounded like an awful lot of work. Not that I'm lazy, but did I really want to decide EVERYTHING? Lady Julia said exactly that, recently:
"He’d have to take responsibility for his part in the relationship. I cannot imagine as a vanilla woman wanting to make every single decision on every single thing. Certainly that level of control - if it ever happened - would be a gradual thing."
Not only did it sound like a lot of work, but also, in my mind, domination was tied with sadism. This is just not part of who I am. Although I might enjoy to playfully pinch Boy Toy or slap his butt, and occasionnally spank him, giving pain does not give me pleasure. There is also the fact that I believe in the equality of both partners. How could I ever be a "real" Domme, then? I had this naive belief that to be one signified only my needs and desires would matter and Boy Toy would just become a means to this end. That's what a real Domme was. I'm not sure if I came up with this misconception all by myself, but I do know it's all over the Internet. Elise Sutton, for example. I read much of her site when I first started dating Boy Toy, and even with my little to no experience in this, her simplistic views of female domination bothered me. She just makes these outrageous statements without actual argument or fact:"Namely, the desire of the male gender is to be dominated and ruled by the female gender. [...] Men desire corporal punishment, forced feminization, humiliation, strap-on play (being the receiver of a woman's rubber phallus), water sports (such as forced enemas or golden showers), and other D&S (Domination and Submission) activities. Men want to worship the female by tending to her physical and sexual needs (body worship) and men want to be made into a domesticated servant to their wives."
Really? All men? Allow me to doubt it. It was just way too out there for me. Which meant I wasn't a Domme, right? In this, my aversion to labels ended up helping me straighten out my perceptions. I finally realized that it was silly to think that domination had to be a certain way. It's MY relationship, and I'll make it whatever way feels right to me. Not that I didn't do it before, no, I did what I wanted to do. But I felt this imagined pressure to be something else, something not necessarily right for me. I was the vanilla girl whose Boy Toy was submissive... For a long time, I was intimidated by what I thought his submissiveness meant. Now I know better. With time and experience, with thinking some more about it and reading about it, it became clear: domination is not all about me. Nor is it all about him. It's a relationship, and both persons' needs must be met. roo-roo explains this quite well: "It is about you. It’s also about the other person. It’s about the two of you. Is that really such a hard concept? All the other aspects of the relationship are not thrown out just because d/s becomes a part of it." I like his no-nonsense approach to things and I'm sticking with it.Category: Domination, Ramblings | 
15 Comments »
December 15th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Wow, a well-researched and well-thought out post here. Kudos for that. In fact, I’m directing my wife to this so if she ever has thought about BDSM in any way, she can take away from this more than she realizes. Excellent job!
December 15th, 2008 at 1:45 am
I like being a domme.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Elle……..this is a wonderful blog and offers a perspective that is not at all commonplace.
One area though that I suspect may change over time is the idea of pain. If BT is as submissive as he seems he may have the sub need to be punished with more than just playful spankings. As rooroo points out the relationship is about both of you. If you could see whipping BT as a sign of your deep love for him, your aversion to delivering pain might be sublimated.
Not pushing just a thought……my loved one doesn’t enjoy delivering pain, but after tn years she knows how much I need to be focused on her.
leigh
December 15th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Nolens Volens: Thank you. I had been thinking about writing this for a few days, now. Send your wife over! Perhaps it’ll help her, to know the thoughts of someone who was introduced to this by her boyfriend. It might even inspire her. I’m a curious and playful girl and I love being stimulated, the challenges and newness make me happy. I’ve discovered something that I love, even though I sometimes still struggle with the image it has out there with regular folks, as proves this post.
Vixen: Glad to know not everyone gets hung up on that silliness like me! It helps me to read such perspectives
leigh: Thank you, and thanks for your input. I do ask Boy Toy that he tells me what he wants but he isn’t very communicative that way. However, he did fill out a BDSM checklist about a year ago and I keep it preciously (my precious lol). In it, he says he isn’t into heavy pain. He likes light pain a little, and it turns him on more if it’s for punishment. So perhaps the spankings are right on. I’ve only done it occasionnally, and as punishment, too. But I think I’ll bring this up with him nonetheless, see what he says.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Yeah Elise Sutton and many of the rest of the like crowd. I would go out on a limb and say they are male fantasists. Usually ones with very low self esteem. I suspect that of the many readers here there are some who know otherwise but if that is so, she is one blinkered lady. ‘Allow me to doubt you’? I think Elle that you were being too polite! This kind of writing riles me, its extreme, generalising, and most of all offputting. How many women, scared to explore their own or their partners needs dip their toe in the water and run away screaming after seeing this rubbish. How many men have their expectations skewed by it. Worst of it is that much of what they write gives a good indicator of the malesub pysche, or at least some aspects of it. Overall though its just ridiculous. The statement you quote Elle is a perfect example.
I have written about how altairboy’s once excellent chastity belt website has been taken over for the last few years by the extreme, low self esteem, im a useless worm brand of fantasy writing. Some of whats in there fits the extreme domme male fantasist genre. A good example is this which claims to be written by a wife. For example ‘After my experience and talking with several other women, I have come to strongly hold the view that it would be even better if the initial chastity period is set at one year with further extensions for any serious misbehavior.’, she is referring to introducing a man to chastity with a one year no orgasm not let out of the belt lock up. Really? How quick would that divorce come? Even your average sub man would question his wife’s sanity if she insisted on this. Again some of what is written is good insight, but its swamped by the stupid stuff.
I should stop ranting. I suspect Tom would be less judgemental than I, but some people are just begging to be judged, speaking as if their way is the best or only way.
*Breath deeply*
And relax
December 15th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Ooh, my ancient wisdom is being quoted online! I feel like Yoda! Well, 28 isn’t exactly ancient, but like me, Yoda also loves strap-on sex, so the comparison still works.
Labels can be useful as a quick way of saying something. But they can also be detrimental since they carry with them connotations and assumptions. I use labels as vague tools to get me in the general area. Beyond that level, individual thoughts and experiences render most labels meaningless.
Elise Sutton is
on crackprobably responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of breakups. Her advice has nothing to do with real-world bdsm; it’s just another narrow-minded, overly-idealistic, One True Way® pile of steaming propaganda. As you said, she makes horribly wrong generalizations, as well as assuming that everyone has the same fetishes/interests as she does. It really wouldn’t surprise me if Elise Sutton turned out to be another inexperienced online role-player who would run if ever presented with someone who’s actually into bdsm.December 15th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Hi roo-roo
I sometimes feel bad judging her and the like too harshly. You know ‘my kinks ok but yours isnt’. But I dont pretend to tell people I know how they should think or act.
That link by the way is a masterpiece of one handed pastiche! I nearly pissed myself only my wife lockd me at home with a tube from cock to mouth an if I piss I drink it all while she is fucking some guy and I hate it but she is so sexy. So I didnt.
Yoda loves strap-on sex? He just gets cooler and cooler. Have me he could!
December 15th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Scratch that. ‘woman are domes and all men are slavs’. The thought of Sontaran women and eastern European men together finished me off. I’ve now officially pissed myself.
A Sontaran from Dr Who.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
MyKey- I almost spat on my monitor from laughing at your comments. And I’m glad you picked up on the domes/slavs thing; I didn’t think anyone would catch that. Okay, now I have to get back to doing mundane housework for the amazon sorority sisters who kidnapped me and make me drink their piss from a dog dish at every meal after flattening my balls with a sledgehammer.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Now now, boys, calm down
Thanks for the entertainment… and the education! I had to look up the “Sontaran women” reference, and hurm, yeah, not so pretty. I’m not sure I would have caught on to the Domes/Slavs thing it if it hadn’t been for MyKey, I’m afraid. I think that some allusions or nuances go right over my head, sometimes, because my first language isn’t English. Or because I’m plain ignorant
Now about Elise Sutton… I did try to keep and open mind about her. I hate to admit this but Boy Toy admires her. He told me about her quite early on… Actually, I mention this in one of my first posts. At that time, I went on to read most of her site and although for a while I did get pissy at Boy Toy’s not doing as I said (maybe I was just pms-ing!), it didn’t take long before her gross generalizations and lack of actual facts turned me off. Her excuse of “I’ve been doing this a long time so I know what I’m talking about” just doesn’t stand on its own. I remember telling exactly this to Boy Toy, and I think I even told him her writing wasn’t that great and that I could probably make a better site than hers. LOL
As MyKey says… “How many women, scared to explore their own or their partners needs dip their toe in the water and run away screaming after seeing this rubbish.” I’m lucky this didn’t make me shy away from D/s forever, because it’s quite clear I don’t share her views.
roo-roo: if your wisdom is ancient, well then mine’s prehistoric
December 16th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
In the country of the blind, Elise Sutton is the one-eyed queen. A decade ago she tapped the growing market for internet femdom, and by virtue of longevity became a de facto standard. Men who were once too embarrassed to search out femdom porn in the adult bookstores could safely read Sutton’s fem supremacy screeds on their computer. Naturally, she played up the “Superior Female” manifesto, and fetish starved men bought it.
To be fair, it’s perfectly okay for people to have their kinks. If BT or anybody else gets off on Sutton, then that’s great. The problem comes when they find a partner who has a different perspective. Most women do not want their big, strong, hairy husbands dressing in frills and wigs. A women who will go along with the femdom kink probably will draw the line at cuckolding, permanent chastity, and feminization.
Hopefully, Elle, you’ll be able to explore this at your own pace and be able to negotiate those things that you enjoy.
December 16th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Oui Maitresse Elle..
Roo-roo its those little touches that made it so good. And I so envy your life of Amazonian drudgery.
Elise again. I used to think she was pretty interesting once. Trouble is there are enough gems in there that help you recongnise aspects of yourself, so the whole thing is perfused with an aura of ‘wisdom’. But to each his own, I am sure her brand works for people, just not all people. Try BoyToy on ‘around her finger’. Its along similar lines but not quite as extreme. Glad you didnt run away, you seem to be a natural at this game.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Tom: I don’t think I’d say he gets off her stuff… He admires her, somehow. I can’t say how much of her stuff he’s actually read, either. But I can assure you, it causes no problem whatsoever. I see nothing of her “teachings” in his attitude or his expectations. He refuses to be sissyfied (is that a word is did I spell it right?), he never ever pushes anything on me… He’s always let me explore at my own pace and the only pressure I’ve ever felt came from myself, not he. I can’t stress that enough. If he weren’t like that, I doubt I’d even be writing here today. Everytime I start feeling like I don’t do enough kink or D/s, he looks at me funny and says something like “hell yeah we do enough! I’m in enough trouble already!”
MyKey: thanks for the tip, I’ll try to get around to checking out “around her finger” and showing Boy Toy… Probably after the Hollidays, it’s getting a bit hectic!
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
dom, domme, mistress… names…
the effect is the most important thing
I call her my tantric goddess.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Rogue: perhaps you’re right, and it’s a personal thing after all. Boy Toy calls me his Owner. And I like it