Ever since I started down the kinky road, I've been resistant to calling myself a "Domme". I just shied away from the term, I couldn't be a dominant, not me! Such a weird thing, too, as Boy Toy is obviously submissive and I've known this all along. If you've read how we play, you might have noticed the roles are pretty clearly defined. As a side note, I just wanted to mention that I never know if I should use the term "Domme" or "Dom". And strangely enough, just as I was pondering this, I noticed roo-roo talks about it in his most recent post. As usual, he makes good, sensible points, so you might want to stop by if the question interests you. As for me, I'll just stick with the excuse that my first language is French, and so naturally, I feminize the word. And French is probably the right excuse, considering what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

The term "domme" (pronounced /ˈdɒm/) is a coined pseudo-French female variation of the slang dom (short for dominant). It stems from the Latin words "dominus" = master, "domina" = mistress. The pronunciation is identical to the term "dom", by analogy to one-syllable French-derived words like femme or blonde.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Despite resisting calling myself dominant, I've happily explored this avenue. I'm playful, you see, and this was just too much fun. Lately, though, I'm starting to find that it actually turns me on, and this was a first. I mean, I liked doing it before but now, when I sit there watching him, naked and kneeling, while telling him he isn't allowed to cum, I feel this telltale throb deep in my loins. So I guess I am dominant after all. I just never liked putting a label on things. Or at least on me. It seems so restrictive, judgemental and full of connotations. The term "Domme" is especially prey to stereotypes. Dommes wear leather and thigh high boots with high heels, and mercilessly inflict pain on their slaves. And let's not forget that the word dominatrix is often used to describe a pro-domme, one who charges for her domination. The vanilla girl in me is not so far that this common, ignorant image of the Domme had totally disappeared. Once I started exploring BDSM, talking about it with Boy Toy and reading about it online, it wasn't long before I knew the stereotype for what it was: a generalized misconception. I'm sure I would have known that before, but I had never stopped to really think about it. Still, it seems that even with Boy Toy's coaching, my perception of domination was screwed enough that I refused to label myself a Domme, while I accepted more and more that perhaps, maybe, I just might have dominant tendancies. The truth is, I was afraid of what it might mean, to be Boy Toy's Domme. It sounded like an awful lot of work. Not that I'm lazy, but did I really want to decide EVERYTHING? Lady Julia said exactly that, recently:

"He’d have to take responsibility for his part in the relationship.  I cannot imagine as a vanilla woman wanting to make every single decision on every single thing.  Certainly that level of control - if it ever happened - would be a gradual thing."

Not only did it sound like a lot of work, but also, in my mind, domination was tied with sadism. This is just not part of who I am. Although I might enjoy to playfully pinch Boy Toy or slap his butt, and occasionnally spank him, giving pain does not give me pleasure. There is also the fact that I believe in the equality of both partners. How could I ever be a "real" Domme, then? I had this naive belief that to be one signified only my needs and desires would matter and Boy Toy would just become a means to this end. That's what a real Domme was. I'm not sure if I came up with this misconception all by myself, but I do know it's all over the Internet. Elise Sutton, for example. I read much of her site when I first started dating Boy Toy, and even with my little to no experience in this, her simplistic views of female domination bothered me. She just makes these outrageous statements without actual argument or fact: 

"Namely, the desire of the male gender is to be dominated and ruled by the female gender. [...] Men desire corporal punishment, forced feminization, humiliation, strap-on play (being the receiver of a woman's rubber phallus), water sports (such as forced enemas or golden showers), and other D&S (Domination and Submission) activities. Men want to worship the female by tending to her physical and sexual needs (body worship) and men want to be made into a domesticated servant to their wives."

Really? All men? Allow me to doubt it. It was just way too out there for me. Which meant I wasn't a Domme, right? In this, my aversion to labels ended up helping me straighten out my perceptions. I finally realized that it was silly to think that domination had to be a certain way. It's MY relationship, and I'll make it whatever way feels right to me. Not that I didn't do it before, no, I did what I wanted to do. But I felt this imagined pressure to be something else, something not necessarily right for me. I was the vanilla girl whose Boy Toy was submissive... For a long time, I was intimidated by what I thought his submissiveness meant. Now I know better. With time and experience, with thinking some more about it and reading about it, it became clear: domination is not all about me. Nor is it all about him. It's a relationship, and both persons' needs must be met. roo-roo explains this quite well: "It is about you.  It’s also about the other person.  It’s about the two of you.  Is that really such a hard concept?  All the other aspects of the relationship are not thrown out just because d/s becomes a part of it." I like his no-nonsense approach to things and I'm sticking with it.