Dear readers, I didn't mean to leave you in the dark the last few days. Don't worry, the storm has passed. The seas remained a bit rough for a few days, but with blue skies and bright sunlight making a shy appearance. Be warned, though: this is another of my rambling posts. Feel free to skip. It's just good for my sanity to throw all my thoughts and worries and feelings in a heap of a post, and then try to organize them into something coherent. I didn't see Boy Toy much this weekend. He needed the space, and I needed to give it to him. I spent some time with friends and finally saw him at the club, Saturday night. He arrived later than me and when he did, I was a the bar chatting with a guy. A guy who was telling me about his girlfriend and his coming baby, mind you, but Boy Toy didn't know that. But it didn't matter, never matters with Boy Toy. I would love to be as self-confident as he is! I was dressed in a way I knew he would find sexy. He walked right up to me, nevermind that I had "company", and checked me out from head to toe. Someone behind him said something to him but he said "Not now, I'm cruising". Ah, how cute. I introduced him to my new friend, whose name I had unfortunately forgotten (I'm just not very good with names). And that's how the night started. The rest is a bit of a blur, I must admit. After my roller coaster of emotions, I indulged a bit too much. I remember giving some drunken relationship advice to other couples... Me, who can barely manage MY relationship! I slept at Boy Toy's. I went out keeping in mind that maybe it'd be best if I came back home after. The whole space thing, you know. But I was pretty intoxicated and had no money left to take a cab. I could have gotten some out, really, but Boy Toy decided to be all gentlemanly and brought me back to his place. Or perhaps he just couldn't resist how sexy I was. There was no drunken sex this time. Too much alcohol, oops! There was some hangover sex the next morning, though. What can I say? Boy Toy and I just can't keep our hands off of each other. Funny thing, too, when I'm hungover, I feel perfectly fine during sex. Just not before and after. I guess it means we should be doing it nonstop till I feel better.  :D We spent a bit of time together Sunday, then I left and later, we chatted some on IM. We were both feeling much better by then and I made sure to mention it. Now, I don't know. The storm is still rumbling beneath the apparently calm surface. I think I think too much. I wish I could really discuss my thoughts with him, but he's overworked, of late, and I am terribly bad at really opening up to him, saying what's really there hiding behind my fears. And so I am left spitting them out on this page of mine. Trying to make sense of them, instead of going in circles. Maybe he'll have time to read this, and maybe it'll even help him understand me a little better. I hope so. I love you, Boy Toy. The thing is, we don't speak the same language. He speaks male, I speak female. I talk to my friends, to my co-workers, they all get what I mean. For example, I might tell them how it's a matter of priorities. That when you don't have time to email someone, for example, well it's not really that you don't have time, because you could simply choose to do it. You just choose to do something else. A matter of priorities, as I said. Or maybe it's my friends and co-workers who say this. Whichever, we're females, we understand. To Boy Toy, though, this is gibberish. My friend says her guy's the same. So I am left thinking, if I forget this notion, and by this notion, I just mean anything that worries me silly, wouldn't we both be much happier? Me, because I wouldn't be upset anymore, and him, because I wouldn't be upset anymore? But wouldn't that just be forgetting myself entirely? Overlooking my needs and wants? See, I told you I think too much. The worse part is, if I discussed this with my friends and co-workers, I think they WOULD say I am overlooking my needs. I am starting to think I should talk this through with a guy... I am also starting to think that all this is rather stereotypical and I can't base my relationship on everybody else. Of course, Boy Toy tells me that all the time. He just doesn't know that secretly, I agree with him. I've noticed a pattern with myself. I am super happy when with Boy Toy, during the weekends, but come the week and I get increasingly anxious, nervous, scared, etc. It would seem that when left to my own devices, I imagine he doesn't give a damn. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is most certainly the true source of our problems. Although I admit I would like him to be a little less busy. He says it's phases, but really? He's pretty much always busy. Keeping in touch a little more wouldn't hurt. Still. I just wish I could be zen, you know? Content. Quit imagining that he hasn't replied to my email because he doesn't give a crap. Granted, "busy" is a lame excuse, when you're on the receiving end of that excuse, but if he needs to have this busy time of his for his sanity, or to be content in our relationship, then who am I to argue? Because the truth is, when I'm not worried silly because I think he's ignoring me, I'm perfectly happy. Boy, I've really opened up with this one, have I? I feel more nekkid than after a HNT post! Now, having stripped myself so thoroughly of these reflections, I will try to leave them there, scattered all over my blog. Kick me if I start over-thinking and worrying again, kthx.  __________________ Edit: Just thought I'd specify... When I say keeping in touch a little more wouldn't hurt, well he does get in touch with me, everyday mostly. It's not bad. It's just that I remember a couple months ago when he'd email me at work, sending me pictures of his latest renovation project. I loved that.