Well, 2008 is already drawing to an end and naturally, we take a look back at the year that has just passed. In keeping with this, Osbasso has suggested that for this very last HNT of the year, we pick what we think is our favorite HNT picture that we've posted. This was much harder than I thought it'd be. And I've only had my blog for about half the year! When I post pictures for HNT, it's because I like them and so it's difficult to choose which I think is best. That being said, this one and this one (and their click-throughs) are certainly among my personal favorites.  However, I think that a HNT post is more than just the image, so I have picked my favorite not only for the picture, but also for what it actually means to me. While I do find the shot fun and interesting, what it represents is what is most dear to me: it was a glimpse into Boy Toy and I's intimacy, a moment of playful exposure captured and shared. Hope you enjoy it as much as Boy Toy and I did!

Exposure (HNT)

It's thrilling to expose and be exposed. Boy Toy and I play at it a lot. When heading over to his place, I'll tell him to wait for me naked. Exposed. Sometimes, I'll grab a camera and take pictures of him when he's in this most vulnerable of positions. Earlier tonight, we were talking about pushing limits. I paraphrased what maymay wrote recently:

My goal was the same as hers: to push limits. We push each other, we always have, and it’s part of what keeps us moving forward together. Though the willingness to push a bottom’s limits is almost a prerequisite to advertise yourself as a top or a dominant, very rarely does anyone seem to recognize the value of pushing a top’s limits as a bottom, and I think that is a grave oversight for all involved. Often, people expect—sometimes even demand—that bottoms and submissives be entirely passive partners in sex and kink, but I think this is wrong.

With that in mind, I told Boy Toy I'd like to hear suggestions of things HE would like to try. And it's funny, his first suggestion was to expose me:

make you dress really sexy and make you go out?

The thrill of exposure is why I've gotten into HNT so readily. And I'm sure it's the same for you. So. Without further ado, here's me playing at exposing Boy Toy. Aren't we naughty?

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out Osbasso's place!

Wow, I'm back... I'm still a bit dazed from long hours spent traveling and little sleep. Nothing kinky to report, either. After all, I was away with my family, without Boy Toy. And pretty much out of touch, so no opportunity to send naughty instructions. But I did leave him with a strict command not to cum while I was away  ;) Somehow, I ended up talking about masochism with my mother, on our way back from a supper at my aunt's. She knows nothing about my blog, of course, or of the nature of my sex life with Boy Toy. So I have to be careful what I say! I don't remember exactly how it came about... I think we were talking about religion and I was going on about how it tries to control people's life with senseless bullshit (my apologies to any reader with religious beliefs... to each their own). How most religions would have people be prudes, for no reason other than to control their lives. And my mother said something along the lines that people should do whatever they want... Then she said: "Still, I don't understand things like masochism. They can do it if they want but I just don't get it."  So I sat there and told her "Well, they like it. It turns them on." I left it at that. I couldn't let on that I know more on the subject! I don't like receiving pain myself, but I know people who do. I read people who do. I've been having an education on the subject for the last year and a half, now. And sometimes I spank Boy Toy. Yeah, I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't want to know that. That's about how kinky things got for the last week or so. Tonight, I'm having supper with Boy Toy and while I don't have any particular plan in mind, I did tell him to wait for me naked. I like him naked. I'm thinking that since the first half of my Holidays wasn't very kinky at all, perhaps I should remedy that. I received a bit of money for Christmas and I am seriously considering buying something from my  JT Stockroom Wishlist. Hmmmm....

Last Friday, after nearly two weeks of denial, I finally allowed Boy Toy to cum. It started getting really hard for him a week into it. It took a lot of cajoling, convincing and strict forbidding to get him to last this long, because as you know, we weren't using a device. In the end, I practically had to promise him an orgasm on Friday, otherwise I think he would have broken. But I thought it was important to get him to wait until I was there. I wanted to be the one to give him his orgasm, and so, I insisted. He started having dreams almost every night, and if you've read his last one, you may have noticed that they got increasingly kinky. They didn't help him at all. He told me he was horny all the time and played with himself every chance he got. So finally, Friday, I showed up at his place. He was sleeping. I stripped and curled up next to him, and we napped for an hour or so. When I woke up and thought he was starting to wake up as well, I playfully put my hand on his stomach, stroking, teasing. He woke up. I teased more. I stroked his penis lightly and he gasped and buckled. I just loved how sensitive he was. I went on until he was so hard and so horny he started to grab me and pull me onto his eager cock, and I whispered in his ear "Go down on me". And he did. He went wildly at it, with total abandon. I think I came in about 30 seconds... And then I came again. And then I pulled him up to me and we fucked, one of the rare times we did with him on top. He came in about 30 seconds. Later that night, after a few drinks with friends, we finally went to bed and I started stroking him, teasing, caressing, and we fucked again. And then again in the shower, Sunday. Sadly, he's no longer in the subby-mode he had been in all of last week. I kinda like that Boy Toy. He argues time and time again that he isn't different, but oh, he is. Very much so. And I like it. I've been considering taking control of his orgasms permanently... But this is something we need to discuss. In the meantime, I haven't given up control of his orgasms. He isn't to cum unless I allow him to. Incidentally, tomorrow, I'm leaving town for six days. Visiting my family for the holidays (which, btw, means I'll be skipping HNT this week and won't be posting anything else either). And I think it will be lovely to keep him denied, and know I'll be on his mind. Constantly. And on that note, Happy Holidays everyone. May it be a kinky one ;)

Almost two weeks without orgasm, and Boy Toy's getting pretty desperate. This is the longest we've gone. I know, I know... It isn't very long at all! I fact, I haven't had an orgasm either in all that time. Nothing's stopping me from getting one, yet I don't feel the need. Boy Toy, though... Boy Toy told me he plays with himself every chance he gets. He's in subspace most of the time. And the dreams! They come almost every night, getting kinkier and kinkier. This is his latest one: This one is a little hardcore fetish, mixed with D/s relationship stuff, maybe because of the denial. And lots of pushing limits! I think it's my current state!!! You’re going through rules I’ll have to follow and before I know it I'm stripped right down and I have this feeling that you have everything planned and controlled, that you’re taking everything into your hands. I'm listening to you talk about our relationship, that D/s has been in the works or planned for some time. And you’re sort of re-defining things and going into it more seriously. It’s tied to me not being allowed to cum. And it goes towards submitting to you fully as total property because you’re tired of me trying to resist that or something, it's hindering your progression into this and you would like to go deeper. At some point I remember being on the couch in a submissive position and you’re sitting back and talking, sometimes standing, and I feel too horny and submissive to try to resist. Maybe denial has made me hit a new level. I’m trying to hide how wet I am as you walk behind me and lock my arms behind my neck. And then it goes on to denial stuff, and you’re saying something to the fact that from now on you want to go that way permanently, or it's the new direction and I wont have a choice but to accept it. I remember fearing never cuming or wondering when you would allow it. Then I think I’m missing parts… Next, I'm laying down on the couch, my arms seem to be tied to a collar on my neck, they can't be moved from being clasped behind my neck, and my legs are folded spread wide in some kind of submission position you ordered me into. The position seems to make me feel really vulnerable and totally exposed. You are walking around me, looking down at me. But then you begin to masturbate me, and I remember going all wild and feeling so helpless in this position with my arms bound. I remember begging you and you saying "shhhh, you can't beg, you’re my property and can only get it if I decide you’re good enough to have it". You straddle me, indicating that you want me to make you cum with my tongue, lips, mouth. Then feels like this is going on and I think I can't cum at this point, I’m not allowed or something, so I have to tell you and you stop. Then you unlock one of my hands, saying something in regards to training, that I have to masturbate in front of you, and it goes back to you on my mouth, and I feel shy about masturbating but I'm feeling really fucked. I can't stop and I know you will win in training me to do it. You keep telling me I can't cum so I'm stopping just before and I fear cuming for some reason, I think because I fear punishment or disappointing you. And I think I slip into thoughts here. I'm seeing scenes of me naked an no longer allowed to dress unless you give me permission, I’m seeing myself kneel before you in position when you give the order, a bunch of things like this, and in my mind I'm asking myself, “Can I still resist submission? She knows too much. Do I fully see her as my owner? She knows my psychology too well, and I might have to give all the way in.” Then both my hands are clipped back behind me again and I'm feeling like my orgasm is totally at your mercy. You’re saying something about my situation, I think you mean my position and mental state, that cuming now will take me deeper in realizing and accepting I'm your total property. I would be submitting fully to this sort of dark side, and I remember being a little scared, and saying “Maybe I’m not ready” but not having a choice. There is something about every orgasm given this way only, till you feel I've reached full acceptance. And you’re asking me to keep saying something or you’re saying something, and I feel I’m letting go as I'm apparently reaching orgasm and you are whispering to me that I'm allowed to cum. And I know if I do cum, I'll be conditioned in some way. Then I woke up, turned, and still half asleep, touched myself, but fell asleep again and the dream continued or it was another one that was sort of related. I'm standing, apparently I had an orgasm and my hands are still clipped behind my back. You're telling me it's a critical moment because I've had an orgasm and I'm different mentally now. I'm trying to get you to unlock my hands but you’re in the bathroom searching for something and I come in to try to coerce you. Then you’re laying out this sort of chastity thing, I’ve never seen it and I’m a little scared of what it can do. I remember thinking it might be un-cheatable and un-excusable. There is this struggle, you win, it's on me. Then you’re talking about pushing limits and getting what you desire, it's something about me or males masturbating for show for women, and you mention that you and your girlfriend C are into this, and you want to get some status as having trained me to entertain like this. I'd have to perform. I'm totally nervous and freaking but I feel helpless. I'm like saying no way, and you’re going on about pushing limits. All I remember. But I got up, it was a little after midnight, and I was thinking and writing. I was in a bad state. The denial stuff is hard because I was constantly bringing myself close to orgasm but stopping just before. I managed to get back to bed but before I did, I tried the position from my dream, I don't know why, I just wanted to see I guess. I think I fell asleep right there, or soon after, it was a little blurry, I was really horny and kinda mentally horny in a submissive way. I woke up late, like 10ish, and I smoked my cigarette in the submission position, thinking of the dream. I wanted to play with myself, but A called and wanted to stop by, it was early. :(

Boy Toy's enforced chastity has brought on an onslaught of kinky dreams. He's getting quite flustered, and the dreams are very telling of this... Here's his two most recent: Dream 1 This one is strange, because for parts of the dream, I was kinda in your mind, seeing things from your point of view. We are hanging out but I'm naked and I'm feeling submissive, and I remember seeing myself through you, as your sub, and having all kinds of strange thoughts. Like in one part I'm me and naked and exposed and thinking it's accessible and I could masturbate. Once I'm alone perhaps, or in private, I could. Then I'm in you and I'm thinking "I have to find a solution so that he can't masturbate and there are no doubts he does, ever, unless I let him". And strange devices come into view, with techniques. Then I'm in me trying to avoid going into more submissive mode and trying to find excuses. Then back in you, thinking of positions and how nice the power is. But I'm seeing me as kinda huge, bigger than me (or you). And I'm thinking of all kinds of ways to make sure I can overpower him (me) at any time. After that, it goes onto another part about chastity play and different ways to give me release. I was in your mind coming up with tons of stuff to dominate me more, even 24/7 stuff. It was like a chess game or video game or something. How on one side Elle could take full control and on the other side, how Boy Toy could get a little escape and self fun! There were many strange parts, for example this one part where I was in you, looking at your Boy Toy and wanting to give significance to locking on a collar or chain harness, and thinking how nice it was to know it made him submit more. Then back in me, trying to fight it or escape and feeling I didn't have a choice but to submit into it because you knew too much. And there was this other part when I was in you and decided I'd only let me cum a certain way, which I won't mention. And thoughts going through my mind about conditioning and submission towards me (or Elle)... I can't describe it in detail, it's too revealing or dangerous. :$ Dream 2  There were strange things happening, like friends dropping by or leaving, and among all this you decide to let me out of the CB, which I'm apparently wearing. And this strange thing happens: I just get up on the table, and sort of kneel with my hands behind my head to get ready for you to remove the device. It seems it's what you've trained me to do or something, because it was automatic: Strip, jump up on table, position, you take your key out and unlock me. I feel really fucking aroused, like I haven't cum in a long time, or it's my first time out after a long period, and I'm wicked horny. I'm to take my shower to shave and clean, then I remember thinking of being alone in shower... but then you want the door open while I take it. And I remember thinking "craps! Fuck, that sucks, no way to you know what...". So I'm taking my shower and all, and I remember coming back out and you're pointing at the table, so I know I have to get back up in position to put the CB back on, but I really don't want to, I'm fearful and you're saying, in a Dommy voice, "(insert Boy Toy's name here)" and pointing and then I'm on the table in position and you're locking me back in. :( But then I'm walking around and looking and saying "that's not the CB!" and you're laughing about the fact I didn't notice. It's this metal fancy looking one. You're trying to tell me that it's 100% secure while I'm trying to figure out why I didn't notice it was different, I'm really confused and wondering if I blanked out while you put it on or something. Then I'm stressed because people are about to pass by, or they're already knocking on door, I can't remember which, just that I was stressed because I'm naked and you want to converse and you're saying something about progress in my submission and opening up or something like that. And you're looking down and touching this new metal chastity thinger locked on me. There was this strange part where I went through some emotions where I felt more like... trusting in myself not to masturbate, but at the same in conflict with this because of wanting to. I remember staring at the wall, saying I really want to, but I can't and I would but I can't but I would... :( Then people are showing up out of the blue. I'm in the bathroom getting dressed and touching myself, checking if I can cheat but it's all closed in. :O

In case you missed this in my last few posts, I've taken control of Boy Toy's orgasms again. That was a little over a week ago. He hasn't cum since. He emailed me today while I was at work and asked when he could... you know what. He has been having kinky dreams pretty much every night, most of then involving hypnosis. Of course, it doesn't help that I've had him listen to Lady Julia's Red Silk hypnosis session almost every night. And that I make him smoke his first cigarette of the day naked and kneeling. Every day. All of this combined makes for a frantic, desperate for an orgasm, Boy Toy. We were chatting, earlier tonight, and I thought I'd share our conversation (for those of you not familiar with MSN Messenger, ":$" is for the little blushing smiley... notice Boy Toy does that a lot!).

Elle says: poor boy toy  :P Boy Toy says: :$ Elle says: let's make a deal Boy Toy says: ? I’m scared, that dream was kinda fucked up, and bad for me regarding chastity.  :( Elle says: you can have an orgasm when I have one I haven't had one in as long as you, you know Boy Toy says: :O but I'm a male! Elle says: you are? :P Boy Toy says: like urm, it's like just there to take. while you fantasize you just do it and it's like “ahhhh...” and now life can go on for the next day or so Elle says: if I can take it, you can take it Boy Toy says: :( nope, me male and kinky dreams don't help and mornings, having to take first cigarette in submission position gonna have to very soon Elle says: what's in it for me? to let you cum? I like you like this you're more attentive to your owner Boy Toy says: :$ Just need to cum like just once then can go for another week. It’s been like more than a week!!!! Elle says: tell that to Tom Allen  :P Boy Toy says: he's a super human I could do it in position even, if you want. and the dreams are kinda fucked up... and not in my favour. :O Elle says: I don't control your dreams, Boy Toy Boy Toy says: no but the denial stuff seems to make them worse! So you control them indirectly. ;) Elle says: I offered you a deal Boy Toy says: OK well... that means like urm... this week, one night eh? Elle says: what? Boy Toy says: like , we have to do something this week? like before Thursday since your supper is that night Elle says: pffff you only want to see me because you want to cum Boy Toy says: well, it’s been over a week for me :( it's hard not sure I will be able to stop in time next time Elle says: well then don't play with fire Boy Toy says: dunno if can go another day... strange but what? It's kinda just male stuff. or me... Elle says: BTW, I'm posting this conversation on my blog just thought I'd let you know, first Boy Toy says: ok, but what if tonight or tomorrow I do it? With the dreams and denial and all, I almost can't keep going here! Elle says: I have to think about that Boy Toy says: I have pain in that area at times from not... you know? Elle says: what? yeah right come on, other men go for months or maybe it means I need to milk you? Boy Toy says: :$

So? Should I let him cum or not? It sounds as though he's about to break. I do have a few thoughts on the matter... I haven't specified what his punishment would be if he cums without permission, for one. Another idea I had was to make him masturbate while kneeling (submissive position), and while I watch via webcam. I kinda like that last idea... Any thoughts anyone?

Ever since I started down the kinky road, I've been resistant to calling myself a "Domme". I just shied away from the term, I couldn't be a dominant, not me! Such a weird thing, too, as Boy Toy is obviously submissive and I've known this all along. If you've read how we play, you might have noticed the roles are pretty clearly defined. As a side note, I just wanted to mention that I never know if I should use the term "Domme" or "Dom". And strangely enough, just as I was pondering this, I noticed roo-roo talks about it in his most recent post. As usual, he makes good, sensible points, so you might want to stop by if the question interests you. As for me, I'll just stick with the excuse that my first language is French, and so naturally, I feminize the word. And French is probably the right excuse, considering what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

The term "domme" (pronounced /ˈdɒm/) is a coined pseudo-French female variation of the slang dom (short for dominant). It stems from the Latin words "dominus" = master, "domina" = mistress. The pronunciation is identical to the term "dom", by analogy to one-syllable French-derived words like femme or blonde.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Despite resisting calling myself dominant, I've happily explored this avenue. I'm playful, you see, and this was just too much fun. Lately, though, I'm starting to find that it actually turns me on, and this was a first. I mean, I liked doing it before but now, when I sit there watching him, naked and kneeling, while telling him he isn't allowed to cum, I feel this telltale throb deep in my loins. So I guess I am dominant after all. I just never liked putting a label on things. Or at least on me. It seems so restrictive, judgemental and full of connotations. The term "Domme" is especially prey to stereotypes. Dommes wear leather and thigh high boots with high heels, and mercilessly inflict pain on their slaves. And let's not forget that the word dominatrix is often used to describe a pro-domme, one who charges for her domination. The vanilla girl in me is not so far that this common, ignorant image of the Domme had totally disappeared. Once I started exploring BDSM, talking about it with Boy Toy and reading about it online, it wasn't long before I knew the stereotype for what it was: a generalized misconception. I'm sure I would have known that before, but I had never stopped to really think about it. Still, it seems that even with Boy Toy's coaching, my perception of domination was screwed enough that I refused to label myself a Domme, while I accepted more and more that perhaps, maybe, I just might have dominant tendancies. The truth is, I was afraid of what it might mean, to be Boy Toy's Domme. It sounded like an awful lot of work. Not that I'm lazy, but did I really want to decide EVERYTHING? Lady Julia said exactly that, recently:

"He’d have to take responsibility for his part in the relationship.  I cannot imagine as a vanilla woman wanting to make every single decision on every single thing.  Certainly that level of control - if it ever happened - would be a gradual thing."

Not only did it sound like a lot of work, but also, in my mind, domination was tied with sadism. This is just not part of who I am. Although I might enjoy to playfully pinch Boy Toy or slap his butt, and occasionnally spank him, giving pain does not give me pleasure. There is also the fact that I believe in the equality of both partners. How could I ever be a "real" Domme, then? I had this naive belief that to be one signified only my needs and desires would matter and Boy Toy would just become a means to this end. That's what a real Domme was. I'm not sure if I came up with this misconception all by myself, but I do know it's all over the Internet. Elise Sutton, for example. I read much of her site when I first started dating Boy Toy, and even with my little to no experience in this, her simplistic views of female domination bothered me. She just makes these outrageous statements without actual argument or fact: 

"Namely, the desire of the male gender is to be dominated and ruled by the female gender. [...] Men desire corporal punishment, forced feminization, humiliation, strap-on play (being the receiver of a woman's rubber phallus), water sports (such as forced enemas or golden showers), and other D&S (Domination and Submission) activities. Men want to worship the female by tending to her physical and sexual needs (body worship) and men want to be made into a domesticated servant to their wives."

Really? All men? Allow me to doubt it. It was just way too out there for me. Which meant I wasn't a Domme, right? In this, my aversion to labels ended up helping me straighten out my perceptions. I finally realized that it was silly to think that domination had to be a certain way. It's MY relationship, and I'll make it whatever way feels right to me. Not that I didn't do it before, no, I did what I wanted to do. But I felt this imagined pressure to be something else, something not necessarily right for me. I was the vanilla girl whose Boy Toy was submissive... For a long time, I was intimidated by what I thought his submissiveness meant. Now I know better. With time and experience, with thinking some more about it and reading about it, it became clear: domination is not all about me. Nor is it all about him. It's a relationship, and both persons' needs must be met. roo-roo explains this quite well: "It is about you.  It’s also about the other person.  It’s about the two of you.  Is that really such a hard concept?  All the other aspects of the relationship are not thrown out just because d/s becomes a part of it." I like his no-nonsense approach to things and I'm sticking with it.

Thursday's fast approaching and so it's time for my weekly half-nekkid picture! This one is from the same photoshoot as the last three HNT pictures. Hopefully you're not growing bored of them yet... I admit though that the rest is pretty much more of the same. They're different pictures, but it's the same setting, the same outfits. I'll probably show a few more, but then I'll have to come up with something else! I like this picture in particular because I like my back. It might seem strange but it's one of the only body parts of mine that I really like. But I have to confess I photoshopped it: I removed my tattoo. The anonymity thing, you know ;)  Hope you enjoy anyway!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place! 

Last week, I received an interesting email from Unspeakable Axe telling me he had a post idea for me. "I only have the title", he said: "How the hell my submissive lucked out and became owned by me and how you can find someone like me?" Good question, Axe, good question. I was at Boy Toy's when I read this email and of course, I immediately asked him how he thought he got to be owned by me. He gave me this very inspiring and eloquent answer: "I don't know. I just got lucky." So much for that. Still, over the last few days, I've given the matter some thought. The truth is, I believe Boy Toy and I are where we are today because we started pretty much like any other, normal relationship, and we fell in love. The elements of kink, or D/s, that we do have in our relationship now were introduced gradually, and our communication about such things was always open. I mentioned this in my very first post:

But Boy Toy told me from the start what he was into. He wanted to be straight with me, and avoid my learning this about him from other people, too. He was also very respectful. He was so scared of pushing me into something I didn’t want that I almost had to trick him into sleeping with me, in the beginning. Ok, ok, I didn’t “trick” him, but I kind of had to push him into it a little. And we started with good old regular sex, of course.

But the fact of the matter was, I knew what he was into, and, as they say, curiosity killed the cat. We talked a lot about kink. And it was fun, it was playful and naughty. And it felt like we had this dirty little secret, it created this complicity between us.

But let's back track a little, I want to tell you how things first started. I met Boy Toy sometime in the summer of 2006, a year or so before we actually hooked up. We met in a bar, or rather, outside the bar, at the end of the night. Everyone was leaving and me and my friends and he and his friends just started talking and joking around. We were drunk. Boy Toy and I decided we should exchange contact information and so I gave him my email address. The next day, or a few days later, I don't remember, I received an email from Boy Toy. In fact, I still have those very first emails, and I thought they were too cute not to share: Boy Toy: OK, checking to see if this is the right address to Elle, are you there? His email included one of those signatures you can set up to appear in all your emails, and his contact information ended with this: Sex:                Yes. DNA:               ACAAGATGCCTGCTGCTGCTCTCCGGGGCC... So, my answer to his email was: Yes, I'm here. And thanks for the DNA sequence, I was really looking forward to getting it :P Boy Toy's answer: Just don't cross that DNA with a chicken, it's going to get very ugly. ;-) Mine: Ok, I'll try not to. Thanks for the advise. How about with a moose? And his: Moose is OK, I'd like to have antlers to push cars out of my way. OK, going cycling. Hard workout time. ;-) Back in a few hours. Not coming up in the neighborhood tonight? If so let me know, we can go for coffee. I didn't go for coffee, but we started chatting pretty regularly. We didn't hit it off, either. Our age difference freaked me out a little... He's in his 40s, I'm 30. I know, I know, big deal. But back then, it bothered me. It's around that time, too, that Boy Toy told me of his kinky side. He told me if I started hanging around him, people would start talking, they'd start saying I was getting into fetish stuff. Hah. Well I didn't care about that. People can think whatever they want. So we continued chatting online a little, and we'd occasionnally run into each other at the club. Everytime we did, we'd talk. He'd pinch my waist and tell me I was pretty. I remember one time in particular, we were dancing and I was in jeans and a tshirt, really casual-looking, and he told me "You're too hot for this place!" As for me, I'd notice as soon as he'd walk into the place. I'd mention to my friends he had arrived. If he walked past me without seeing me, I usually poked him or punched him on the shoulder. Anything to get his attention... So the chemistry was obviously there, but I was too blind to see it. Or too hardheaded, he was much too old for me! And kinky, too! For a while, he had a girlfriend, but I only remember seeing him with a girl once, and I remember not being entirely happy about it. Talk about living in denial! When the summer of 2007 came around, I was tired of being alone. I had had a fling during the previous winter, but now I had no one, and it had been a while. I did try meeting guys, I had a profile up on a couple of dating sites, and I went to meet a few of them without ever any luck. And every weekend I'd go out to my usual spot and there was Boy Toy, ever sweet and ever flirty. I think the turning point, though, the moment I started to see Boy Toy in a whole new light, was when he gave me a shoulder rub. He was oh, so good at this, and I couldn't help but imagine his hands elsewhere on my body...  Then one night, my friend and I decided to go out to a different kind of club, the meet market type. We wanted to meet guys, maybe have a one night or something. But it turned out so horribly that we left and went to our usual spot. Boy Toy was there. And I was tempted, I really was, but I was way too shy to say anything. You want to know how lame I am? Here's how it went: At the end of the night, we were chatting outside, I was about to hail a cab and go home. Boy Toy looked back and saw this girl staring at us, and he said she had something for him and probably hated seeing us talk, probably imagined we'd leave together. And you want to know what I said?  I said "Why don't you jump in the cab with me until the next street corner, that'll show her!" What I REALLY wanted to say was "Well, why don't you jump in the cab with me?" But I couldn't. And of course, the hint wasn't obvious enough so he stayed behind. The next day, we chatted some and we broached the subject of the previous night. I told him, in what I thought were no uncertain terms, what I had meant to say. I wish I remembered our conversation exactly... I think at one point I asked him what he'd have done if I had told him to jump in the cab, and he answered "What do you think?". He then told me he was going to a friend's for supper that night and he invited me. I went. And after supper, we went out dancing. And after that, I ended up at Boy Toy's place! I remember him looking up at me at one point and saying "Oh, that's right, you're here..." As if he couldn't quite believe it. And that's probably true, too. Boy Toy's friend often tells me how, during that first year we knew each other but weren't together, Boy Toy would always point me out and tell him how hot I was. But anyway, back to that first night at Boy Toy's... He gave me a massage and then we went to sleep, on his couch. He had his back to me and I put my arm around him. The next morning, I gave him a massage in return for his and then I went home. I couldn't quite believe nothing had happened... We chatted online that week, though, and after much discussion concluded that we should be fuck friends. The following weekend, we went out dancing again, then went to his place. This time, something DID happen. And that is how things started between Boy Toy and I. If you want to know how it started getting kinky, you can read some of my first posts, especially this one. __________________________ Edit: Silly me, I forgot to address part of Axe's question: how you can find someone like me. The answer is... I don't know. I wasn't into kink when I met Boy Toy, and so this isn't what attracted him. He just thought I was hot and he went for me, and things turned out great for both of us. I wish you the same, Axe.

A few days have passed since last I wrote. When I left you, Boy Toy was locked in the CB6000 and I was just fresh out of a face-sitting session. Unfortunately, he isn't locked in the CB anymore. I can never bring myself to leave him in very long. It just looks so... uncomfortable. And he complains about it. When I saw him Friday night, he told me he had slept really badly because of the device. Then he mentioned he wanted to go jogging that day but couldn't because of his predicament. And he told me he was itchy because he couldn't shave underneath­... Finally, a little frustrated, I handed him the key. I understand, though. It does look pretty cumbersome. Besides, for me, the point isn't the device but the denial. I've said this before: I kinda prefer the denial without the CB. Sure, locking his sex away is kinky, but when he doesn't masturbate simply because I told him he can't... that's hot. The control is more mental. And there is no feeling of guilt for the discomfort the device can cause. So that's how things stood Friday night. He was free. Yet he hadn't had an orgasm in several days, since I've instructed him not to for three days before every Friday. That's my way of having a fresh, eager Boy Toy when the weekend finally arrives and I get to see him. Nothing much happened for the rest of the weekend, until this (Sunday) morning. Sometimes we just don't feel up for it. Actually, even this morning, I still didn't feel up for it. We were sitting on the couch, naked, and that's exactly what I was reflecting upon, thinking about how I didn't feel like having sex at all. Funny thing, really. He had just brought me my coffee, and we were just sitting side by side, sharing a tiny little blanket and trying to stay warm. It was a chilly morning. Then Boy Toy got a cigarette out and assumed his smoking position, that is, kneeling naked in front of me, for my viewing pleasure. How I will miss this when he finally stops smoking! Anyway... I playfully mentioned the red silk trigger words, and he told me he had had a strange, kinky dream. A dream in which I was wearing a red dress, which is funny because it's the second time he dreams of me wearing that, lately, and I don't own such a garment. I'm thinking it has to do with red silk. His cigarette finished, he joined me again on the couch. He said "It's weird, right now, how submissive I feel..." I wonder if it has to do with my uttering the trigger words. And then...  And then I decided I'd given him a long enough break. We played with orgasm denial earlier this Fall and although I loved it, things started getting really stressful for Boy Toy, work-wise. I backed off because I felt that's what was needed. His mind was too taken by the whole denial thing and he needed it focused elsewhere. Now, he's still busy. But he's had his break. And maybe, just maybe, this will somehow help him with his stress. Both MyKey and Marianne suggested as much in their comments to my last post. Marianne, in particular, says that "being dominated can really take you outside of yourself, make you feel like someone else is taking over the pressure." In Boy Toy's case, I'm not sure, but I feel like trying and I'll see as we go along. So we sat there and I told him he couldn't come anymore unless given permission. And to my surprise, this turned me on. I felt the familiar throbbing start down in my pussy. I mean, I knew I liked playing this game, but this is new. As for Boy Toy, he must have felt submissive indeed, because he curled up next to me, with his head in my lap. Finally, we decided it was time to shower. I had Boy Toy wash me. I instructed him on how he should wash my hair, how much conditioner to use and how to apply it, which soap to use for my body and occasionally, I had to point out a spot he was forgetting, such as between my toes. I even had him wash my face. It was sweet.  When he was done, I told him his next job: I wanted him as my stool. He looked at me a little perplexed, so I explained I was going to sit on him. Still confused, he said "Here?" We were still in the shower. I'm sure I had a sparkle in the eye when I said "No, no. You'll see." And he did see: I repeated last Thursday's little scenario. I just enjoyed the face-sitting too much. The feel of his tongue working my pussy, teasing my clitoris, while his hands roam my body... I think I'm addicted. This time, I moved off his face after the first orgasm. He sat back up and I teasingly rested my wet pussy on his penis. I sat there for a bit, with his hands on my hips while he did his best not to ravage me. And then we did have sex. He's pretty lucky, my Boy Toy. We launch into orgasm denial... with an orgasm! I figure it'll help him get through the week. By Friday, I'm sure he'll be pretty frantic. And in sub-mode.