I should have known yesterday's little swell was but the harbinger of the storm. Maybe because I had yet to truly unleash my frustrations. Let my fury wash over me and purify me. Like wave crashing against rock, Boy Toy and I each tried to get our points accross. Nothing was penetrating the other's fortress. But the fortress can only take so much, and then it breaks. The aftermath finds rubble strewn everywhere. Bleakness. But then, I spot a piece of rock. "Wait", I say. "I can see where this rock goes." And he says "Let me take care of this one for you." We put a few rocks in their rightful place, and finally, we have to stop. We're spent.  Ok, ok, I'm exaggerating. There weren't any fortresses. No broken rocks. And I don't think I've got the metaphor thing quite right yet ;) Maybe I should just call it butting heads. Sounds a lot less dramatic. The results are the same, though. Afterwards, I feel all in pieces. But I've managed to put some of these pieces back where they go, and it turns out it wasn't exactly where I used to think they fit. I guess you could call that progress. It would help if I managed to tell Boy Toy exactly what's going through my mind, sometimes. I'm just bad at this. I'm bad at relationships, really. It's because I'm so afraid it'll end that I cannot truly enjoy what I have. Boy Toy has often made this reproach, and he is absolutely right. I think he thinks I don't know this, though. I don't blame him. Must be hard to fathom: I KNOW that my fears are poisoning my life, our relationship, and causing the problems which scare me so, yet I do not stop being insecure. Makes no sense, right? This is what I wish he realized: I do know these things. They make sense. And I desire some, if not all, of what he describes. How he says he wants to live. Yes, me too! But I'm afraid of not mattering. If I could snap my fingers and make myself all better, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. And there you have it. Relationships, whether vanilla or not so vanilla, are complicated. Doesn't matter that Boy Toy is submissive. That's sexual. The reality is, he's still a person. Quite a person. So, if anyone out there knows of a secret pill that makes you self-confident and fearless, I'm buying! I need to get back to the kinky stuff, after all. Speaking of pills, I've just started a new kind of birth control pill. My PMS were pretty crazy and the doctor suggested I try a pill that has the same level of hormones throughout the month. Might not throw my body out of whack so much. Then again, maybe the new hormone regimen is having nasty effects on my mood.