I long to be free of this need for restraint.

This wish expressed in yesterday’s HNT post came true, as wishes are wont to do. Familiar with the phrase “Be careful what you’re wishing for”? No, don’t worry, Boy Toy and I didn’t break up and aren’t planning to. But there is no need for restraint anymore because I did lash out at him. It started innocently enough. I told him “It just bugs me that there’s no time to talk to me”.

This, in fact, is an ongoing issue with us. He’s busy, he works hard. Not some lazy ass bum, my Boy Toy. But it’s hard on me. I miss him. So sometimes I get grumpy. Sometimes I even get frustrated. He doesn’t understand this, as he’s quite happy whether I’m there or not. Very self-sufficient, my Boy Toy. I’m not saying he doesn’t like it if I’m there. Just that maybe he doesn’t require my presence as much as I need his. We’re different, I guess that’s what makes things interesting.

I try hard not to lash out at him when he’s too busy to keep in touch some, because I know, deep down, that it’s selfish of me. And that if he’s so busy, understandably, it means he’s also stressed. Tired. So saying ANYTHING about it only means trouble. Obviously.

I’ve grown pretty used to it all, I can deal with the busy well enough. Well, somewhat well enough. Anyway, what really ticks me off, though, is when, say, he can’t find time to reply to my emails, yet he manages to go out to a club. With other people, of course. I don’t know, maybe I’m just totally unreasonable, here, but this just frustrates the hell out of me.

This is really what happened, last night. He hadn’t been replying to my emails much, and we were trying to organize a supper together tonight but he was saying he was kinda too busy… Yet he was considering going out. I try, I really do, to be reasonable. But my emotions win, always. I’m an insecure girl, I think I’ve said this once or fifty times, and what this translates to, in my poor silly brain, is that going out is more important than seeing me. That upsets me. And if something upsets me, well I have to talk about it. I’m that way. I feel, I say. And that’s bad, since I always end up totally disregarding timing. Hugh.

I didn’t really lash out at him, though. Not at first. But he was stressed, tired, and totally misunderstood what I was trying to say. He translated it as “If I’m busy, you’re unhappy.” Well ok, sometimes a little. I wish I had more of him, you know. But why shouldn’t I be able to say it? Just because I wish he weren’t busy, doesn’t mean he has to drop everything and never work again. The way he reacts, you’d think that’s what I said. Maybe I should say it, next time, see how he likes that

So anyway, I don’t know. The real problem, I guess, is that we are different and have a hard time understanding each other. Being different is ok. But it means we should be patient with one another. He’s not like me, but surely, he can see where I’m coming from? A little? I just want to be able to say “This upsets me” without him feeling like I’m trying to stop him from doing something. I am just trying to communicate. That’s what I do. I feel, I say, remember?

But don’t worry. We’re ok, really. Truth is, I’ve wondered about posting this here, thinking maybe it was too personal and it might give the wrong impression. Generally speaking, we’re doing great and I’m quite happy with him. It just helps me, to organize my thoughts enough to write them here. And I’ve got to have a reason for writing, otherwise I’m just not motivated enough to do it. Besides, I’m only human. It can’t always be only about the kink.