Owner under pressure
Sometimes being Boy Toy’s Owner feels like a lot of work. To the uninitiated, this might seem contradictory: he does what she says but it’s work for HER? Yeah, I’ve wondered about it too.
Is it because my insecurity makes me struggle to find an idea of some kinky activity that’s good and original enough? It could be. I do put pressure on myself. Owner Fridays, for instance. The initial idea was that I get to decide what we do because, well, I pretty much never got to. When Boy Toy came up with this solution, I took it and I ran with it. But somehow it’s becoming a little stressful, because I feel I must come up with some witty, kinky plan for the night.
So I rack my brain. What sweet torture could I put him through? What new experience to live? Then I find an idea. Last Friday, I thought I’d spend the evening objectifying Boy Toy. But, and this happens often, the idea just kind of… stalled. The idea that seemed so hot at first loses its luster, or I can’t get further than just the general notion, I can’t come up with the particular steps I’ll take to realize this idea.
Perhaps I just wasn’t in the mood. I have to admit, Boy Toy and I haven’t had much alone time of late and I think it was getting to me. This is a concept he simply doesn’t get. Well, to be fair, he finds that we do spend enough time just the two of us, on weekends in the morning for example. So he’s quite fine with having a bunch of friends over every Friday and Saturday night. However, I don’t visit him on weeknights. And I work in an office all week (he works from home). By Friday evening, I’m quite spent and I haven’t seen my boy all week. I go home, rush about packing my things for the weekend and when I get to Boy Toy’s, there’s a bunch of loud, drunk, partying friends on their way.
Most of the time I go with it, but sometimes I just want to scream at everyone to leave us alone. This is where Owner Fridays come in… It’s supposed to be MY time where I get to decide if I let the pack in or if Boy Toy gets to spend the night spoiling his Owner.
So last Friday I told everyone to leave us alone, with the intention, as I mentioned, of objectifying Boy Toy. I had prepared the way a little by calling him my thing or my sex toy a few times over IM, before coming over. After I arrived and we had eaten a bit, though, my kinky plan just sort of fell flat. I did take a few pictures of him as my (naked) table (haha!) but that’s how far I got. Boy Toy had a headache and was visibly tired. We ended up just chilling, watching a movie and going to bed reasonnably early.
The worst part is, this is really what I felt like doing. As I said, I had been missing some time alone with him to just take it easy, talk and cuddle. Ok, we did a little bit of the sex stuff, too, but that’s another story. (If you must know, we mutually masturbated each other until orgasm. Couldn’t have “actual” sex, I skipped a pill last week and better safe than sorry, right? We don’t want little Boy Toys running around…LOL)
But yeah. Somehow I sort of felt like I had to come up with something sexy and naughty. Not just a night chilling out with my boyfriend. Admittedly, this “pressure to perform” isn’t a very dramatic problem (Boy Toy would say “Think of the children in Africa…” Really, that’s what he would say!), but pressured I feel nonetheless.
That is not to say that I don’t truly want to do dirty, dirty things to Boy Toy. Just that I don’t feel especially inspired at the moment, and rather pressured to BE inspired. Which isn’t very sexy.
I must stress, though, that this pressure comes solely from myself. Boy Toy has never once said I didn’t dominate him enough, that I wasn’t kinky enough or strict enough, yet I fear these things. On Friday nights, aside for that one exception, he never complains, never asks what my plans are or give any indication of what HE would prefer to do.
Boy, I think I’ve strayed quite a bit with this post. My intention was to talk about how dominating can be quite a daunting job, and why it might feel this way. I was inspired to tackle this issue when I read Devastating yet Inconsequential’s post, especially this part, which I felt could explain at least some of it for me:
What I pointed out is that, when he forgets a protocol, I punish him. And although being punished is unpleasant, the general dynamic of being subject to punishment is hot and good. But on my side, when I forget a protocol, I hurt his feelings. And the dynamic of hurting your lover’s feelings through momentary inattention or forgetfulness is not a fun one. And I think that is why I am reluctant to add more and more protocols.
That neatly explained why I hesitate to give Boy Toy more rules, become stricter, go deeper within the 24/7 dynamic. But yeah, I strayed.
Category: Experiences, Kinky stuff, Ramblings | 
November 12th, 2008 at 3:28 am
hey hun. Sorry you feel that way. Remember it’s a game and don’t worry, it’s ok to just chill you know. It’s undoubtedly a need boytoy has that if you never fulfilled would put a strain, so your pressure is understandable. But you know what? You’ve done a lot for a recently vanilla girl and your on a slippery slope now. You like it, more will come. Be chilled when you want to, and be filthy as hell and go all out when you feel like it.
I never underestimate the tiring nature of an offfice job plus commute. My day is 12 hours long, I like my Fridays to be chilled too funnily enough.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:37 am
I know, I know… Well, the good news is, he doesn’t put any pressure on me at all. Never has. If he had, I might have been turned off completely from this non-vanilla stuff.
It’s probably just my PMS talking
I’ve actually talked to a doctor about them damn hormones and he suggested a few things to try. Will see…
November 12th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Oh, and one thing I wanted to add… Boy Toy is different than me for Friday nights. He probably works harder than me, when he’s on something he can be quite obsessive and do nothing else but work. Come Friday night, he’s quite spent to, but rather than needing to chill, he needs to go out, dance, let loose, go crazy… He calls it breaking the week. I get it, and I love doing it too, just that I like it better on Saturdays once I’m rested a tiny bit
November 12th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Don’t feel bad about wanting to spend time alone with him, or needing to just relax together. You’re maintaining the ‘nilla aspect of the relationship. It’s impossible to be all bdsm all the time while neglecting other forms of intimacy.
Scenes don’t always work out as planned. Other times, they don’t happen at all. You’re both human. You get tired, you have off days, you get sick, you get frazzled at work. As long as you can both deal with that (and it sounds like you can) you’re in good shape.
That pressure you feel to plan something original, fun, and sexy is similar to what most guys feel when planning a date. Not a lot of fun.
I’ve got a lot to say about protocol and rules, but I think I’ll write a post about that instead.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:08 am
This kind of stuff is difficult to work out sometimes. I think domming is a lot of work no matter how much you love it or how great your partner is. But hopefully it’s worth it.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:19 am
heheh if you only knew how many of our special ‘dates’ have fallen over or never started because of the wrong mood,tiredness or lack of planning. But when it works it so gooooood
Wonder if it’s an introvert extrovert thing? People think interoverted people are quiet or shy but it’s not alwas so. I’ve heard a better definition. If you recharge your batteries with groups of people then your an extrovert, if you recharge them alone or just with partner then your more introverted. My wife and I are introverts. You wouldn’t know it when I am out as I tend to be loud and dive in there, but I need my off time.
I can understand breaking the week, especially if he works from home!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:40 am
roo-roo: He doesn’t mind that we do the vanilla stuff, he’s never complained. So if I feel any pressure at all, it’s my own doing. I’m afraid he gets bored or something.
I’m eagerly awaiting your post on protocol and rules
Dev: I love the guy, so yeah, definitely worth it. Hope you don’t mind my stealing your words, but while reading your blog, I’ve found that a lot of things you write, I could have written myself. Except that you seem to have it all clearer in your mind. So it helps me, really
Mykey: Good to know, it’s reassuring to see I’m not the only one this happens to
And yeah, I understand his love/need of going out. I don’t want to stop it, except sometimes it feels like it’s more important for him than ME.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Elle, I once had a relationship in which we only saw each other on weekends. It was good for a while, because we planned, er, interesting scenes (both of us being switchy, it worked). But at some point we stopped sceneing every single chance, and just rented a movie, or hung out. We found that it wasn’t us getting bored, it was just a way of giving things a little break. Ever hear of “New Relationship Enegy”? Eventually it winds down.
It’s okay, you know. Really.
But before he gets bored - and before you get worried sick over it - you need to sit him down and talk it over. And you need to think about whether you’re planning scenes because you want to, or because you prefer to. Or set up a monthly calendar. Sometimes schedules kill the fun of spontaneity, but sometimes schedules can give you something to look forward to.
I ended a sentence on a preposition. Hope that wasnt’ a protocol.
And while I don’t get why somebody would prefer to party with friends instead of snuggling up to a warm body, I’m biased because I’m one of those introvert types. After work and other social events, I’m tired of being the smiling, witty bon vivant and I need a quiet corner and a good book for a while.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Tom, thanks for the comment. Perhaps that’s just it, the new relationship energy winding down.
Thing is, most of the worry is all in my head. I think if he got bored, he’d tell me, he wouldn’t just up and do something drastic. I probably made it sound a lot more dramatic than it is, with the title saying “under pressure”. It’s my own pressure, he certainly isn’t putting any on me, quite the contrary. He never says anything about “not enough kink” and if I say it, he’ll probably say that there’s plenty, actually.
But still, it seems to me kinky stuff has to come from me, so I feel the pressure of having to decide and enforce all the time. I think I’m gonna put the burden on him for a bit and tell him next kinky stuff has to come from HIM. Owner’s taking a break, dammit!