Sometimes being Boy Toy's Owner feels like a lot of work. To the uninitiated, this might seem contradictory: he does what she says but it's work for HER? Yeah, I've wondered about it too. Is it because my insecurity makes me struggle to find an idea of some kinky activity that's good and original enough? It could be. I do put pressure on myself. Owner Fridays, for instance. The initial idea was that I get to decide what we do because, well, I pretty much never got to. When Boy Toy came up with this solution, I took it and I ran with it. But somehow it's becoming a little stressful, because I feel I must come up with some witty, kinky plan for the night. So I rack my brain. What sweet torture could I put him through? What new experience to live? Then I find an idea. Last Friday, I thought I'd spend the evening objectifying Boy Toy. But, and this happens often, the idea just kind of... stalled. The idea that seemed so hot at first loses its luster, or I can't get further than just the general notion, I can't come up with the particular steps I'll take to realize this idea. Perhaps I just wasn't in the mood. I have to admit, Boy Toy and I haven't had much alone time of late and I think it was getting to me. This is a concept he simply doesn't get. Well, to be fair, he finds that we do spend enough time just the two of us, on weekends in the morning for example. So he's quite fine with having a bunch of friends over every Friday and Saturday night. However, I don't visit him on weeknights. And I work in an office all week (he works from home). By Friday evening, I'm quite spent and I haven't seen my boy all week. I go home, rush about packing my things for the weekend and when I get to Boy Toy's, there's a bunch of loud, drunk, partying friends on their way. Most of the time I go with it, but sometimes I just want to scream at everyone to leave us alone. This is where Owner Fridays come in... It's supposed to be MY time where I get to decide if I let the pack in or if Boy Toy gets to spend the night spoiling his Owner. So last Friday I told everyone to leave us alone, with the intention, as I mentioned, of objectifying Boy Toy. I had prepared the way a little by calling him my thing or my sex toy a few times over IM, before coming over. After I arrived and we had eaten a bit, though, my kinky plan just sort of fell flat. I did take a few pictures of him as my (naked) table (haha!) but that's how far I got. Boy Toy had a headache and was visibly tired. We ended up just chilling, watching a movie and going to bed reasonnably early. The worst part is, this is really what I felt like doing. As I said, I had been missing some time alone with him to just take it easy, talk and cuddle. Ok, we did a little bit of the sex stuff, too, but that's another story.  (If you must know, we mutually masturbated each other until orgasm. Couldn't have "actual" sex, I skipped a pill last week and better safe than sorry, right? We don't want little Boy Toys running around...LOL) But yeah. Somehow I sort of felt like I had to come up with something sexy and naughty. Not just a night chilling out with my boyfriend. Admittedly, this "pressure to perform" isn't a very dramatic problem (Boy Toy would say "Think of the children in Africa..." Really, that's what he would say!), but pressured I feel nonetheless. That is not to say that I don't truly want to do dirty, dirty things to Boy Toy. Just that I don't feel especially inspired at the moment, and rather pressured to BE inspired. Which isn't very sexy. I must stress, though, that this pressure comes solely from myself. Boy Toy has never once said I didn't dominate him enough, that I wasn't kinky enough or strict enough, yet I fear these things. On Friday nights, aside for that one exception, he never complains, never asks what my plans are or give any indication of what HE would prefer to do. Boy, I think I've strayed quite a bit with this post. My intention was to talk about how dominating can be quite a daunting job, and why it might feel this way. I was inspired to tackle this issue when I read Devastating yet Inconsequential's post, especially this part, which I felt could explain at least some of it for me:

What I pointed out is that, when he forgets a protocol, I punish him.  And although being punished is unpleasant, the general dynamic of being subject to punishment is hot and good.  But on my side, when I forget a protocol, I hurt his feelings.  And the dynamic of hurting your lover’s feelings through momentary inattention or forgetfulness is not a fun one.  And I think that is why I am reluctant to add more and more protocols.

That neatly explained why I hesitate to give Boy Toy more rules, become stricter, go deeper within the 24/7 dynamic. But yeah, I strayed.