I hate winter. It’s cold, it dries up my skin. It gives me the blues. I can’t believe how fast treacherous November sneaked up on me! With the end of Daylight Saving Time this weekend, when I walked in the door after work today, it was dark.

Blues are bad news. They mean that I question everything and I feel extremely insecure. And when I start, it quickly turns into a vicious circle that’s hard to snap out of. But wait a minute… Am I not supposed to be Boy Toy’s Owner? The dominant partner? I forget…

Speaking of which, last Thursday Boy Toy and I were chatting over IM and the subject of ownership came up. Boy Toy said something along the lines that if I wanted it, he’d accept to be totally owned by me.

Not the first time he’s said something like it, but this time it felt particularly overwhelming. Sometimes the little vanilla girl inside of me just wants to crawl into bed and stay there, in a little ball. What have I got myself into? What if I’m not good enough to be his owner?

Regular relationships are complicated enough.

And surprisingly, D/s doesn’t make it any simpler. You’d think it would, with one partner being in charge and the other having to follow. Sounds easy enough.

But Boy Toy, as much as he loves to submit, also loves to do whatever he wants. Maybe it’s just that Boy Toy’s submissiveness must be won. Or earned, for lack of a better word.

And I can get him there. When I’m in the right frame of mind… I need only think of a few weeks ago, when I decided to play with orgasm denial/control. Wow, was he ever in subspace a lot! I felt very confident, at the time. I’m not sure if it’s our little game that got me to feeling so confident, or if it went the other way around, that my newfound confidence led him to feel submissive.

At other times, though, it isn’t so easy. For instance, last Owner Friday. Well, it was supposed to be Owner Friday, anyway. Boy Toy had a friend visiting from out of town, so he decided that the rules didn’t apply. Just like that. Didn’t I tell you that he loves to do whatever he wants?

I was upset that he would just take this decision and then inform me of it. I figured he should have asked me permission. And this in turn annoyed him, because to him, I was saying he did something “wrong”, but I hadn’t established the rules in a clear, specific manner. I made the classic mistake: I thought he should know. But Boy Toy is a man with a mind that works in a much more logical way than mine. With him, I have to say what’s what. My mind is a lot more haphazard than that, with my feelings running the show.

Still. Wasn’t I supposed to be “in charge”? How can I be, when he gets angry when I try to impose my “authority”? I’ve broached this subject before, the delicate balance of knowing when to push or pull, when one partner is dominant.

At this point, I didn’t know what to do. Did this call for a push or for a pull? How do I know when the game should move aside for real life? Sounds like a silly question. I mean, shouldn’t real life ALWAYS be more important? But just the day before, Boy Toy had been talking about being totally owned by me. I felt confused and unsure.

So I thought to spank him for his behaviour. A few weeks ago when he acted bratty, the spanking worked wonders. And since it was supposed to be my Friday, I needed to re-enforce my control. Right? 

Wrong! When I mentioned spanking him, he protested. Vigorously.

Then again, a few weeks ago, he protested quite a bit as well, yet the spanking still worked wonders. Perhaps it would have had the same effect this time. Or maybe not.

In the end, we’re just human. D/s is all nice and good in theory. But could any couple really live it totally, all the time, and never get the arguments “regular” couples get? Because Boy Toy and I sure butt head, sometimes, even though I’m supposed to be his “Owner”. I’ll tell you a secret, though. I think if we never butted heads, if he wasn’t the headstrong person that he is, well I’m not sure he’d be as attractive to me as he is now.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I wish things were… simpler. But I wouldn’t change them. Even when I’m feeling blue and less than confident. After all, Boy Toy wouldn’t be Boy Toy, if he wasn’t this brat of a submissive. It sure keeps things interesting. 

And another secret. Maybe I lack the right perspective here, I don’t know, but it seems to me I’ve grown a lot more, as a person, in the last year, with Boy Toy, than ever before. This experimenting, this pushing of limits… It sure is fertile ground.

Funny thing, though: yesterday, I found myself reading this article for teens, relationship advise, and there was this little bit of wisdom: “Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.” I wanted to laugh!