This post gets a little personal. Sure, I’ve written all about sex and stuff, which technically is personal, right? But this one touches dynamics between Boy Toy and I that go beyond sex and kink. It will mention a small issue between us, and this is something I’m not entirely comfortable with. I think a blog is not the place to resolve issues, for one. And the last thing I want to do, is criticize Boy Toy here, or seem like I criticize him; this is not the place for it. So it’s a delicate line to walk, but I think I’ll be ok, because the issue has been addressed, I will not be writing anything he doesn’t know, and because I have no criticism to make. Here I go…

Despite my apparent domination of Boy Toy, I am actually far from being completely in control. Part of this is due to his independent nature, and part is due to my hesitation to take control. We have a sometimes strange, always evolving, relationship.

So, Boy Toy is independent. I’ve said this before. He can also be resistant to change, and since he always had friends come over to go out and party, on Fridays and Saturdays, well, then, that’s how things have got to be. I’ve been following along, but it gets tiring. Fridays, especially, I find hard, after working all week. Once in a while, I’d like to just relax and hang out with Boy Toy, but he feels full of energy and wants to go out… and doesn’t see why he shouldn’t.

And most of the time, I’m fine with that, I like my Boy Toy happy. But what started to bother me is that if I wanted to see Boy Toy on Fridays, I had to go out. Or go to his place, hang out with the bunch of friends who invariably show up, and when they and Boy Toy go out, I go to bed. Yeah, kinda lame. It felt like I had no other choice, like the plans were always already laid out in advance, no matter what I wanted to do, and I resented that feeling.

When I brought this up, Boy Toy and I discussed it for a while but he just doesn’t understand my position. We’re too different, that way. Which is fine, we’re learning to accept our differences. We’re learning to deal with them and live with them. 

It would be easier if I didn’t want to be understood so much, and just accepted the solutions he suggests. In this particular case, Boy Toy came up with an offer I couldn’t resist, a solution I should have thought of, in fact, rather than insist on getting my point across. From now on, Friday nights belong to me. We call them “Owner Fridays”. I decide. And most of the time, I’m sure I’ll decide to hang out with our friends and go out. But at least I won’t feel powerless about it, like I have no other choice.

And then, there will be other times, when I decide to do something else altogether. Perhaps sometimes I’ll go out with our friends and tell him to stay home. Just because I can. I think I’d feel mean doing it, though, so not sure about that one yet. But I’ve got plenty of Owner Fridays ahead of me to come up with more delicious ideas.

Last weekend was my first Owner Friday. Boy Toy must have really wanted me to feel in control, for he warned our friends about this. When one of them emailed Boy Toy, asking if he could come over Friday night, Boy Toy told our friend to ask me.

And somehow, I’m not sure how it happened, Owner Friday mutated, and came to mean that I decide not only for Boy Toy, but for our bunch of friends, too. They came over after 10, because this was what I had decided, and they said, it’s Owner Friday, Elle, so it’s all about you tonight. What do you want to do, where do we go?

I was taken aback. I was even a little ashamed! I mean, Boy Toy and I had agreed on this, but who was I to say what everybody else did? But they told me that they’d follow my direction, that they wanted to support me in this.

We have really, really good friends.

It was a fun evening. Boy Toy, and our friends, did their best to make me feel good and do whatever I wanted. It felt a bit strange, but I think I could get used to this.

I’m just wondering how long everyone will keep up this new weekly tradition. And if Boy Toy will forget, now that his judgment is no longer clouded by the orgasm denial thing. That’s right, I decided to give it a break because it was very intense and I felt Boy Toy had a hard time concentrating on anything else, which I think he needs. I also wanted to see how things would be without the denial, if he just goes back to his old self or if a bit of the submission remains. And I’d like to figure out what I really want, before going too far along that road.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to think about what I want to do next Friday.