Nature versus nurture
I’ve been thinking, lately, that the old nature versus nurture debate can be applied to kink. If you read me regularly, you know that in the past few weeks, I’ve imposed some rules on my boy toy regarding his orgasms and surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly, if one knows Boy Toy well), this has brought out a very submissive side in him. He tells me that he is in an almost constant state of arousal, with his thoughts always turned towards me. He’s been dreaming almost every night of 24/7 scenarios where he surrenders completely to me. He talks of rules and training that I could impose on him, has mentioned that in his current state, he would accept to be owned and ruled by me forever. We’ve talked about moving in together and he brings up house rules… I think you get my drift.
Sometimes I wish I had psychology training, just to understand or study these reactions. I can’t help but wonder, where do they come from? Is Boy Toy submissive because it’s in his nature, he was born with some sort of “submissive” gene? Or is it because of how he was brought up?
We haven’t talked at length of his childhood, but I remember when we were first getting to know each other and he was trying to explain his kinks, he told me of some childish games he would play with his sisters and cousins when they were kids. They were not sexual, but they involved getting caught by the others and being made to do something humiliating, like stripping or being kept in a trunk. He was the only boy, with several sisters, and, predictably, they could be a little bossy. Likening these games and situations to BDSM didn’t take a vast amount of imagination…
So nurture seems to win some points, here. Nature, on the other hand, is a little harder to analyze without having some insight in Boy Toy’s parents’ or grandparents’ sex lives. Besides, do we really want to go there? When I brought this up to a friend of ours, though, without hesitation he said that for him, it’s genetic. “I’ve had kinky thoughts and feelings for as long as I remember” he says.
This whole subject came up a few times in conversations between Boy Toy and I, over the last week or so. Last weekend, we were having breakfast and started joking about a whole secret Dom society that breeds and raises submissives. Doms would just have to sort of, apply for a sub, and once they were introduced to one, decide on whether they would keep it or not. When they decide to keep a sub, said sub would be taken off the “available” list. Hey, it could make a good movie!
Later on that same day, I was home and watching TV and stumbled upon a show that sort of broached the same subject. Well, in a manner of speaking. It was called Born a boy raised a girl and it was about a little boy who’s penis got accidentally mangled during a “circumcision accident”. I know, it sounds weird… and it was. The boy’s parents, not knowing what to do to ensure him a somewhat normal life (imagine, if you’re a boy, living without a penis!) decided to raise him as a girl, and when the time came, give him a sex change operation. There was a theory, at that time, that nurture was pretty much everything. Raise him a girl, and he’d BE a girl.
It was a fascinating yet disturbing program. When it was over, I was left with an uncomfortable feeling. It doesn’t help that the poor “guy” ends up killing himself… How depressing! But anyway, the point here is that even though he was raised like a girl and was told he was a girl, deep down, he remained a boy. Acted as one, thought as one. And when he started having trouble, during his teens, and his parents finally told him the truth, he chose without hesitation to be a boy. Here’s nature for you. Ok, this is about sexual identity, not kink, but still, it shows how strongly we are what our genes make us.
I don’t think I will ever really know why Boy Toy is wired the way he is and why he finds it so hot to imagine himself submitting to me fully, for the rest of his life. I think I might need to start reading up on sexuality, how and when it develops… But in the meantime, it sure is interesting to observe Boy Toy, and of course, pretty damn enjoyable to have him so aroused and compliant all the time.
Category: Kinky stuff, Ramblings | 
13 Comments »
October 12th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I do tend to think that one’s sexuality can change, but you’d have to have some kind of predisposition to it in the first place. I think many people might not be clearly one sex or the other, nor are their preferences 100% for one specific sex. However, it’s probably easier on a lot of levels to adopt the sex you are more at ease with, and most people stick to what they know rather than exploring bi or homosexuality. There is much less stigma now than there has been in the past, but still… it would not be an easy life and I think most people realize it.
I can definitely see it being torture though to be born one sex and to really be mentally and emotionally another. Some aspects of our selves are consciously chosen and voluntary, others seem to be set in stone or very nearly so.
October 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
hi Elle,
I’ve been enjoying your blog for some time. I think of dominant or submissive characteristics not so much fixed in terms of gender. Perhaps we all have both dominant and submissive sides, though one is usually embraced while the other may be dormant.
I have always been a dominant male, but I have a female friend who is immersed in psychology from her profession (Psychiatric Nurse). In her off hours, she enjoys engaging men who are learning about this previously unknown submissive side of themselves. As we allow this submissiveness to come alive, I find extraordinary the change in attitude, desires and behavior, in terms of a yearning to be pleasing to a Female. When obeying her in terms of chastity, the effect is undeniably enhanced 10-fold in my experience. There is something significant here.
Perhaps by your natural dominance you have tapped into Boy Toy’s submissive side and like I have experienced, it can push all the right erotic buttons in a male.
My friend can be found online:
ladyjulia.net/blog
ladyjulia.net
I suggested your blog to her a while back and she has it listed on her site here:
http://www.mesmerizingwomen.net/links.html
Sincerely,
Robert
October 12th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I think it’s a mix of both. Some people were always having bdsm-ish thoughts even as young as 5, before they even discovered their sexuality. And playing games like you mentioned. Others get turned on to bdsm by a partner; they like it and explore it more. So both nature and nurture can play a strong role.
For the longest time, I tried to figure out why bdsm appealed to me……why does it turn me on to be fucked with a strap-on, caned mercilessly, lick the sweat from a woman’s feet, be made to drink her piss, etc……but I stopped trying to figure it out. I just couldn’t figure out why these things make me react the way they do. I had a very normal childhood, no physical punishments, no abuse. I really don’t know why I’m into the things I’m into. I just enjoy them and take them as they are.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:18 am
Blackwill: I would think that sexuality evolves, like any other part of us. I mean, I wasn’t into kink at all over a year ago…
And yup, most people opt for easy.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Robert: You’re right, dominant or submissive characteristics aren’t gender-related, in my opinion. But the way we go about them, the way we act them out, probably is. I’m no expert, but seems to me that dominant men and dominant women don’t exactly act the same way.
About Boy Toy and I, though, I’d say that HE tapped into my naturally dominant side. He’s been into BDSM for years and years, he’s the experienced one here, while for me, this is my first such relationship. Maybe it’s me we should study, to figure out what buttons he pushed to get me where I am today
Thanks for referring my blog to your friend! I’ll be sure to visit hers!
October 13th, 2008 at 1:29 am
roo-roo: yes, my friend was saying he had bdsm-ish thoughts at 6 years old. And myself, I got introduced to it by Boy Toy.
I’m not sure we can ever fully understand how and why we get turned on by the things that turn us on. It’s still interesting to think about, though. I just love to know what makes Boy Toy blush. And like I told him today, my better understanding of him will lead me to better push his buttons
October 13th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Dear Elle,
You have something rare and wonderful in your relationship. Thank you for sharing about it. And thanks for taking a moment to help me understand more accurately how it transpired.
Interestingly, I also had fantasies at the age of 4 or 5 of being taken captive or held captive by neighborhood girls, but it was a passing phase until recently. One of Lady Julia’s playful themes she calls “Evil Cowgirl” also began when she was quite young. She remembers an occasion or two that she used to tie up (playfully or pretend) her young male playmates and hold them captive until they promised to do what she said. She learned to be persuasive in gentler ways over time.
Elle, if you like what chastity does for your fella, you might really enjoy what adding a little erotic hypnosis can add to the equation. I think you are already having that effect on Boy Toy as it is.
Robert
October 13th, 2008 at 8:21 am
My own view is that sexual aesthetics (and aesthetic preferences generally) imprint on a person’s psyche at certain points in their lives. So genetics and a person’s personal history play a big role, but it may depend on what is happening in their lives at those crucial times in early childhood development and the first stages of puberty when neural pathways become more “elastic” and accept strong psychological imprints.
Though to fuel your speculation, I had four older sisters.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Robert: Oh! you just made me remember something of my childhood. I was the only girl, with two brothers, and so I played a lot with little boys: war and hunting games and such. No barbies for me
But what I just remembered was this one time at school, in second grade, during recess, I was making one or two boys be my horsies. I’d ride them around the classroom… LOL
Erotic hypnosis? Please tell me more. This is a big fantasy of Boy Toy’s, you should see his reaction everytime it’s brought up…
October 13th, 2008 at 10:58 am
OdysseusBound: You’re probably right. Sexuality is such a complex thing, it must have many different elements contributing to its development.
Funny that you had four older sisters. I bet they were bossy
October 13th, 2008 at 11:36 am
We are likely hard-wired to be sexual beings. That’s just good genetics to keep our species going. All the other things (what causes sexual arousal) is highly, highly subjective. I mean you can sexualize almost ANYTHING and chances are someone will be turned on by it. Our fetishes fulfill a need that we would not get simply from a sex act or notion of sex. It may not only be purely sexual either. Fetishes satisfy some kind of need or want we have that is otherwise unfulfilled by “normal” sexual activity etc.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
That’s so funny about you riding boys at that age, you irresistible cowgirl!
When you reinforce Toy Boy’s fantasy bond with you by doing or saying things that send him into sub space, he is already most likely experiencing a light form of hypnosis.
There is a seedy, commercial side of erotic hypnosis that can be found immediately by Googling the phrase. Services are offered by professional Dommes that sell MP3s or offer it as a form of phone sex. But TRUST is an essential component of hypnosis, so turning over one’s mind to a dominant stranger with a money motive can be a risky prospect. And most males won’t let themselves be that vulnerable to a stranger.
But within a love/trust relationship the use of hypnosis can be pretty amazing.
In hypnosis, the conscious mind is relaxed and even allowed to “sleep” while the subconscious mind, which normally relies heavily on the conscious mind for reality checks and sensory input, decouples a bit. In this state, the subconscious mind can eagerly accept suggestions, substituting the voice of the hypnoteuse (female hypnotist) for conscious thought. This state as actually a very focused one for the subconscious, so the person going under is quite aware of what’s happening, but becomes eager to please the hypnoteuse and may even incorporate her words as if they were his own thoughts.
A hypnosis session usually begins with an induction to lull the conscious mind into a passive state. One form of induction is simply relaxing body muscle groups.
The hypnoteuse then offers suggestions, which if they don’t conflict with a person’s internal core values, may be readily accepted and embraced by the subconscious mind. And once embraced and frequently reinforced, these suggestions can alter behavior dramatically. The training effect can be phenomenal.
I’ve known Lady Julia for a few years and have gotten to know her well. I trust her because she’s probably the most genuinely kind and conscientious person I know (and she does hypnosis MP3s for fun – refuses to accept payment for them other than requiring some participation in her Yahoo Group for access to a few that are the most intense). Some of my favorite suggestions from her are “the deeper you go, the more submissive you become” and “obedience is very pleasing, and pleasing feels so very good”.
Hence I’ve gone from being a very dominant guy in most respects, to being eagerly submissive and obedient in specific contexts.
As a friend, she’s worked with me recently on a diet/exercise plan. When little else worked for me, it’s incredibly effective and I’ve lost 20 lbs since summer. By tying “pleasure” in my mind to obedience, it is exciting, seemingly effortless and at times arousing to maintain diet and exercise discipline in view of being pleasing. She’s managed to tap into my sexuality to motivate a lifestyle change in me. It’s working.
One of her first MP3s is called “Safety Net” in which she reinforces that we should not allow ourselves to be vulnerable to predators (protect personal information, bank account info, etc). Generally it’s a good idea to listen to an MP3 with a critical analytical view (conscious decision not to accept suggestions) before allowing oneself to go under.
She does enjoy interacting with dominant women interested in using hypnosis with their partners. And she has an MP3 for Dommes to enhance the experience. Her website is a good place to start learning about it actually because there is no money motive behind it (her wish list in her profile consists of donations to charities like St. Judes Childrens Hospital). She’s quite unique in this respect.
I can relate to Boy Toy’s reactions, as there are few things that send me erotically more than being taken by a powerful hypnotically dominant woman.
You may have found the MP3 page already at
http://www.ladyjulia.net/sounds.html
A short sound clip of her voice is on her profile:
http://www.ladyjulia.net/sounds/caught_ya.mp3
Profile:
http://www.blogger.com/profile/07732472647830543913
October 13th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
This post really got some interesting comments, thanks guys!
Robert, I’ll be sure to look these up. Thanks so much for all the info!