It's that time of the week again. I've noticed that my HNT pictures all come from three or four different photoshoots... Perhaps it's time for a new shoot, soon, for the sake of variety! This particular one is from a photoshoot Boy Toy and I did last winter, same as this previous HNT. I'm still not very good at math though, is this HALF naked? ;)

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out Osbasso's place!

This orgasm denial thing is great, Boy Toy is in quite a state! I've decided that this week, there would be no mid-week relief allowed. Add that to our recent kinky conversations, last weekend's activities, his dreams... He's pretty much begging for me to let him cum. I've had an idea for the next time I allow him to cum, thanks to another blogger, but I'm keeping it for later. I mentioned this to Boy Toy in an email today, though, and he was curious. "If I tell you,  I said, you'll have to do it. Still interested?" After quite a bit of hesitation, he decided that this sounded too dangerous. So, later then. In the meantime, here is his latest kinky dream. Enjoy! I was cooking in the chain-harness, but somehow it's more snug or tight on me, it's almost part of me but it violates and feels like it holds everywhere, like it's permanently on and it's part of you, like urm... like you're making me notice I'm bound. Its up tight against my butt crack, around my sex everywhere, around my neck, around my wrists, my ankles... all locked and it can't be removed, it's comfy but reminding... I think it's the best way I could explain that scene. Then there are two women visiting you at my place and it's about that site you just joined. You had made friends with them and knew them well but I'd never met them. I'm dressed at this point. There are quick introductions, one is blond and keeps swinging her head to move her hair, almost aggravating. But you are having a conversation and I'm not part of it, I don't feel like I'm invited to participate. Then you want me to do exactly as you say, and I feel nervous, but it feels like I'm not allowed to say no. It seems saying no would mean punishment, but there is also pressure because they are there. I'm standing in front of you all and you want me to strip and kneel. It's as if they are monitoring or studying this, to give you pointers or something like that. As if they are your mentors. I'm really nervous and something happens, not sure what, maybe someone gave me a drug because it looks like I'm all compliant yet I know I should be nervous and trembling! The rest is a bit blurry, but I remember some parts. There's this chastity device that one of the women brought to you, it's made out of chain mail and has spikes on the inside that you show me. I'm standing with legs spread wide and hands locked behind my neck. I know I can't move them. You're putting it on me with the help of another. Feels like it's 100% no play when this thing is on, like it's the "ultimate solution" as you once put it! It seems that the chain-harness is being adapted for the new chastity device, think it was something to do with them using your chain-harness design along with this chastity device. I'm sort of nervous or terrified, I have this feeling of total submission and giving in. There's some strange thing about you letting them inspect me while I had to hold a position, something about them letting you into their private club and they had to make sure I was submissive and you, my owner. You're telling me that you like this for our relationship, you like the confidence or security it gives you and you want this to go further despite any resistance I might have. It is to be a total ownership thing, sort of, really hard to explain. I felt like I was whisked away into another world by your strenght, like you were taking the reigns, like you had figured me out, my weaknesses etc, and you were taking all this in hand where you wanted it. Every time I'd try to say something you would say "Trust me!" and you had all this serious confidence in your facial expressions. That I was melting into your hands is probably best way to describe it.

Boy Toy and I have been talking a lot, lately. Ever since I've forbidden him to cum unless given permission, there's been an ongoing discussion between us, about kink, about submission, about D/s... about 24/7. Even now, we're talking about it on IM. It's been interesting, to say the least. Maybe even an eye-opener. Scary, for sure.

I imagine most of you who read this blog know what D/s is. But if you don't know, D/s means dominance and submission. It is a "set of behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of dominance of one individual over another in an erotic or lifestyle context" (thanks, Wikipedia). 24/7 would be the "lifestyle context" referred to here.

I used to be scared of the term "24/7". It seemed so... hardcore? In fact, in a previous post, I've said: "we do not live in a D/s relationship 24/7. We do lead real lives, in the real world. I have a job, we have projects, friends, family. We have life. And we love each other, we care for each other. No matter how hot and fun having my Boy Toy at my beck and call can be, I also want him to be happy."

After our recent conversations, I'm starting to think that maybe I'm in denial.

At heart, I think I'm still a vanilla girl. Or rather, I continue to perceive myself as one. I think that somehow, I want to be "normal". I mean, really, this isn't exactly the type of subject I can bring up at work during lunch or at a family reunion. But I don't know why I'd want to be normal so much. Normal is relative. Your normal is my abnormal, and vice versa. And in the end, who cares what others think? Let's not forget, either, that normal isn't much fun...

The funny thing is, I don't have a problem at all with doing the things I do with Boy Toy. They come naturally. This weekend, for instance, there was a pretty memorable moment. I'll use Boy Toy's words, here:

You got up and grabbed my urm... balls. You looked at me straight in the eyes, and I noticed... I think I tried to challenge that, staring right back but for some reason you showed so much confidence, I almost felt like you were saying "I like this control, see me? You'd better be scared, I'm feeling damn good and confident and you're all mine for playing with" sort of looks... complex looks eh?

I ended up looking away, felt like you were rock solid and had just showed me you were taking control. I think I wet profusely after, was too shy to say at that time or more so, I was shaken a little too much to realize what had happened.

So, were you testing the grounds?

I guess I left an impression! But I don't know why I did it, if I was testing the grounds or what. I didn't *plan* it, I just did what I felt like doing. It was comfortable, it was fun. What does this mean about me?

And then there's been Boy Toy's dreams. He's been having a LOT of them, and they all revolve around the D/s, 24/7 theme. Check this dream out for a fine example of this. What do the dreams mean about him? I've often asked him if he wanted things like in his dreams, and in a way it scares me. Because him wanting something puts pressure on me. It's different than me getting there on my own... But from what he's told me, he wants me to get there on my own, and doesn't mind if we don't get there at all. So, that's good.

Anyway, we've been talking a lot about 24/7. At one point, Boy Toy said something about it meaning that I decide what the rules are, when we play, etc, to which I replied "Isn't it already like that?"

That's when it struck me. Yes, it IS already like that. Ugh.

Ok, I think I can deal with this... If we're already doing it, because it comes naturally to us, well it can't be as hardcore and difficult and fucked up as I imagined it to be, right? I guess I saw it as being a LOT of work, like always having to dominate and discipline him, and we all know I see myself as unimaginative when it comes to kinky stuff.

But it's not really that. It's whatever we make it. I've thought about it a lot, I've done some reading. I've asked Axe, of Unspeakable Axe, what he thought of the subject. Here's what he told me (and I hope he doesn't mind my quoting him):

The thing is, everyone has a different idea of what 24/7 should look like. Some guys have some image in their heads that they'll be locked away in a basement 24 hours a day. I have a different idea on the subject. I think two people can live 24/7 happily without a lot of work. Maybe just some simple protocols always in place.

Well, that sounds about right. Then I read this article, which brings up some interesting points, and helped me redirect my reflection. For one, it sees the D/s relationship as something stronger and more involved, in a way, than "regular" relationships. With stronger values and without the way people abandon and move on so easily, these days. This reassured me, and strangely enough, in our conversations last week, Boy Toy suggested that we define a certain period of time in which I could do anything I wanted to him, to explore all this, and he wouldn't be allowed to break up with me... The same article also says:

Submission is not a constant, it is not selected or chosen and then simply 'in existence' in a single moment or choice. Nor is domination a constant. To suggest that it is denies the 'fullness' of the inner self. Dominant's feel as many moments of vulnerability and personal weakness as any other human. Being able to openly experience these moments without censure or judgment is also part of being whole. Often a new Dominant will believe that 'showing' these 'weaknesses' will make others lose respect for them. In reality the reverse is true.

Cool, so I can be a normal human being, I don't have to be dominant and strong all the time! Well, that's a relief! Finally, my quest for understanding 24/7 brought me to the site She makes the rules. I've become a member, and I like their no-nonsense approach to the subject. It's very friendly and accessible. I'm gonna quote part of an article there, because I find it's a good introduction to the subject:

Is my Dear Husband (Partner, Lover or Boyfriend) NUTS???

So, it's happened to you, huh? Your darling man has just blasted you right out of your comfort zone? Did you think you knew what made him tick? And now you're wondering exactly WHO is this person inhabiting the body of your loved one? Are you giving him the look of YOU MUST BE MAD!? Or even going so far as to pretend you didn't really hear him say THAT?

Fear and Perversion? 

First of all, congratulations for being open to at least reading what we have to say here. So many women refuse to even consider anything outside of what they consider 'normal' life with their partner. Yet, this happens far more in relationships that you would ever guess.

I like their approach and recommend the site to anyone interested in the subject of female led relationships. It casts a reasonable light on it. There are many forums and articles... Many hours of reading ahead! But I digress. And it's late. In light of all this, and if I don't want to be up all night, I think I must conclude that my relationship with Boy Toy is pretty much a 24/7 D/s relationship and I will just have to deal with it. And now off to bed. Sweet dreams!