About two months ago, Ms Inconspicuous confessed to having an illogical, impractical desire:
to be his. Illogical and impractical in her situation especially, she is an adulteress (by the way, if you’ve never read her, you should). In her own words, “we have no right to ask for fidelity from an adulterer.” Yet she craves for someone who’ll say “I won’t share you”.
Marianne, too,
understands this sentiment (and you should read her, too). “I want
me to be what you want”, she says.
Reading them, I was all but nodding in agreement. Yes, to be desired. Wanted. To be someone’s “Mine”. I don’t know very many women who love the idea of a man that wants to share them. I can just picture the conversation with the girls at the office:
“Hey, what if your guy said he didn’t mind if you slept around?”
“What? No way, he would have to be at least a little bit jealous…”
“No, no, he really wouldn’t be jealous.”
“Ugh. Well, that sucks. Wouldn’t that mean he doesn’t care about me?”
Of course, Boy Toy is exactly like that hypothetical boyfriend I was describing. I don’t think that he WANTS me to sleep with someone else, but I know he wouldn’t be jealous. We’ve had this discussion many times before. “It’s your body, he says, it doesn’t belong to me. You can do with it as you wish.”
I remember one evening with Boy Toy and a couple of friends, and I was the only one there that wasn’t all for open relationships. Well, not that I’m against them, people can do whatever they want, I’m not one to judge. But for me, it’s a hard limit. And there I was, feeling like some sort of alien for being so “straight”.
Our friends argued that giving your partner this freedom is loving them more completely. It’s like saying, I love you so much, how could I impose any limit on you?
That sounds all well and good, in theory. But quite frankly, how many couples really can pull this off? Sure, there are some out there. I read their blogs. But they’re far from being the general consensus. In my case, I can just foresee so many possible issues. I’d rather avoid them and enjoy my – relatively – simple relationship with Boy Toy. Why add an element that could spell disaster, when you can avoid it?
Besides, I’m way too insecure and way too selfish to share. I want my Boy Toy all to myself. There, now you know. I’m not perfect, I ask for fidelity from my partner.
A friend of ours insisted that my imposing this on Boy Toy wasn’t a good idea. That one wants even more what is forbidden. But as scary as that thought was, I respectfully disagreed. Boy Toy has always known that to be with me is to be with me only. It is HIS choice. End of guilt trip.
Ok, ok, it wasn't THAT easy.
Boy Toy believes in
polyamory and told me this pretty much from the start. This simple fact required quite a bit of adjustment on my part. Not only was I scared that he would act upon it, but I also felt sad that he had to stifle this part of himself permanently. As much as I didn’t want to share him, I felt guilty for forcing something on him that to him, felt unnatural. As you can see, our friend struck a sensitive chord.
And the first conversations on the subject, between Boy Toy and I, were very difficult. He wanted so much for me to understand that he put a lot of emphasis on the whole thing. He insisted and insisted, to the extent that I felt he wanted to convince me and make me think like him… This, in my poor distorted, insecure mind, could only mean that he wanted me to accept that he’d sleep around. I reacted accordingly, and he felt hurt that I would think he’d cheat on me. Vicious circle starts here.
Fortunately, we love each other enough to not let such seemingly hopeless vicious circles discourage us too much. With time, I came to see how and where this conversation always turned sour and from this moment on, we never argued about it again. I understand, now, that he doesn’t want to sleep with other women. In fact, he put it the best way he ever could, not too long ago: “If you don’t want it, I don’t want it.”
I struggled a little bit less with Boy Toy’s lack of jealousy. Which is not to say that I didn't struggle at all. When I read Ms. Inconspicuous' and Marianne's posts, not so very long ago, I could totally relate with what they were saying. In fact, I told Ms. Inconspicuous: "Oh how I understand what you're saying. I too would prefer a lover who is a touch possessive."
And it's funny but I think I've since changed my mind. So often, now, I've told people that no, Boy Toy wouldn't be bothered by this or that. This weekend someone made yet another comment about what Boy Toy would do to a guy who tried his luck with me, and once again, I said "No, not Boy Toy. He wouldn't mind". I've gotten used to correcting people that way. And it's not that he wouldn't "care". It's that he wants me to do whatever makes me happy.
Strangely enough, I've grown fond of this lack of jealousy in Boy Toy. I feel free. Of course, I still won't stray. I'm a faithful little girl, and I love my Boy Toy so very much. I simply have no need to even look elsewhere. And even stranger, I have exactly the opposite attitude with him: we refer to myself as his Owner. No such freedom for Boy Toy... but this turns him on.
Still, it feels good, this freedom of mine. And I've come to learn that his lack of jealousy does not mean lack of love. I'm opening my eyes, just a crack, and I see the way he looks at me. I notice his sudden outbursts of "I love you", from he who hates the L word. No, I don't need his jealousy anymore.
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