We were entertaining yesterday, having a few drinks with friends before going out dancing, and my friend M’s new girlfriend and I got to talking. I made an offhand remark about the time Boy Toy and I went to a fetish club (her and M go to such places, but it’s all new to her) and she seized the opportunity to ask me about my relationship. “M told me a little about you guys, she said, and I’m curious. Who’s dominant and who’s submissive? Who gives the pain?”

I was caught a little off guard by her question. “What do you think?” I asked her. She replied: “I think you’re the dominant one”.

I said, that yes, I was kind of dominant. Boy Toy thinks it’s naturally part of my personality. I’m not totally sure about this, although it’s something I’ve reflected upon and even experimented upon, in the last year. But if I’m not 100% sure about my dominant streak, I sure as hell know I don’t want to be someone’s sub. I told M’s girlfriend something along those lines.

She said she didn’t like being on the submissive end either, that she doesn’t like receiving pain. Her and M’s kink is more geared towards physical pain than ours, apparently. For Boy Toy, it’s a lot more mental than physical. If I were to hurt him, I don’t think it’s the pain itself that would turn him on so much as the idea that I am exercising my power over him, showing that I can and mean to dominate him. I tried to explain this to her, but it was a little difficult with my words slightly muddled by alcohol consumption, and without going into details too much. I felt a little timid; it is a rather personal and private thing.

I was tempted, then, to tell her about my blog. It would help her understand, and it’s easier to have someone read about it at their leisure than telling them face to face. Boy Toy walked behind me at that point and I said this to him, but he is too shy to expose all our secrets to our friends that way. After all, I do post pictures of his butt here

It was interesting to discuss this with her. She is new to BDSM, fetishes and kink, just as I was last year. And she brought up a point which I’ve thought a lot about, myself: she asked me if it was hard for me to dominate Boy Toy. She said that M likes receiving pain, but that she hates hurting him since she loves him. She does it only because she knows he likes it, she does it to please him. Obviously, this was the case for me in the beginning, in the sense that I would have never done it of my own initiative, I did it because I knew how much Boy Toy liked it. I had a lot of fun doing it, though, and so I kept at it.

No, the real difficulty, for me, is not to be dominant towards Boy Toy, it is to know where to draw the line. I can be pretty insecure, so if Boy Toy looks the slightest bit unhappy, if he complains or bitches about something I’ve ordered him to do, I tend to back off right away. A “real”dom wouldn’t back off. Right? And isn’t it part of the whole point, making him do things he might not necessarily want to do? Yes, knowing when I can push and when to pull back is definitely a delicate balance.

The fact is, we do not live in a D/s relationship 24/7. We do lead real lives, in the real world. I have a job, we have projects, friends, family. We have life. And we love each other, we care for each other. No matter how hot and fun having my Boy Toy at my beck and call can be, I also want him to be happy. He is mine, and therefore, I am responsible for his wellbeing. One must take care of one’s property.