Warning: PMS post
August 19th, 2008 by Elle
I hate PMS. Once a month, for a week, sometimes even two, hormones rage through my body, emotions run high. Awareness, knowing it’s that time of the month, makes no difference. I do my best, I try not to say the things the little voice inside my head, the voice of reason, tells me I shouldn’t say. But most often, hormones win.
This is the time I feel most insecure. Most days I’m fine with my body, my looks. But come this time of the month, everything about me is reason for feeling depressed. I feel inadequate, ugly, stupid, annoying, unwanted.
This is a time of questioning. If, when reading me, you’ve wondered at how easily I seemed to have embraced a kinkier lifestyle, well, here is your answer: I question it every month. I wonder if I’m kinky enough, dominant enough, for an experienced player like Boy Toy. I question my own wants, my motivations for doing some of the things we do.
I read about training and I wonder, should I have a “plan” with Boy Toy? Better defined rules with a clear goal for making him exactly what I want? Should I be harsher? Demand more? Is it really ok that I just love him, that I’m simply playful, and that out of everything I’ve experienced with him, what struck a chord with me the most was the idea that I own him?
I read other sexy, kinky blogs, some of them about BDSM and D/s, and I wonder if I'm doing enough. I read Boy Toy’s list of punishments and his notes of interest and I wonder. Is being my sub what he wants? Because I don't think it's what I want... Not all the time, at any rate. We can play at it, I'd love that. But 24/7? I just like the idea that I'm his "Owner" and that he loves me, is devoted to me. Is that ok?
And I can't really ask him to reassure me because, being all hormony and emotional and generally crazy, if I try to express these things to him (and sometimes I do, despite the little voice telling me not to), they come out all wrong. He, understandably, doesn't understand. I feel bad. Frustration.
And then...
And then it passes. I forget about these concerns, don't even want to bring them up. Until the following month.
I could really do with a few tips on how to reduce PMS.
Category: Ramblings |
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