For those who follow my blog, you know BT and I have been going through a rough patch. It didn't help that, at the same time, I was having problems with a close friend of mine. Without getting into all the details, let's just say we're not such close friends anymore. To top it all off, one of my colleagues was disappointed that I didn't tell her something I was told to keep to myself until it was officially announced. She felt like it meant I don't trust her. Needless to say, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions these days. Apparently, I couldn't do anything right, everybody just got angry at me. That's how it felt, anyway. When things get like that, sometimes I just feel like turning my back on everything.

You know, just for a little while... Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

Things have barely started to settle down and all of a sudden, I find myself thinking kink. I miss it! Sometimes I wish I could start over, with BT. Do the exploration part all over again - that was fun! As it is, things have stalled. Insecurity has gotten the best of me, and I wish it hadn't. I feel eager to continue exploring, but it's as if I don't know where to start or how to go about it. I can feel self-confident... if I know what I'm doing. Maybe this relationship crisis will bring us to a new starting point, and we can begin the dirty stuff anew. Or maybe I should just study. I even suggested kinky classes to BT, tonight. Well, I just brought up the idea. He didn't say anything... I'll take that as a yes? *evil grin* Seriously though, I would love to feel like I know what I'm doing, be self-confident enough to play with my dominant side. I know it's there. Or if not dominant, at least, very playful! I've been reading blogs, books... yet seems to me like I'm still far, far from being an expert. What about you? How did you learn? What was the biggest help? I have a partner who could teach me a lot but we never seem to get the conversation going. Could be that I don't know how to get him to talk. So tips about starting that kind of conversation would be great, too! Anyone?

When I took them a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea how fitting they were, these half-naked mirror shots. Baring of the soul and introspection have been my lot these days...

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

You probably guess, from this post's title, that we weathered this storm, just like we weathered all the others before. But I have to say, this one was probably the worse yet. It's a bit hard to write about it. I was really, really scared I had lost him and I am still reeling from it all. He was so very angry. He said he wasn't, but it sure felt like anger on this end. He slept on the couch for days. At first, I didn't understand what was really frustrating him, what was making him avoid me and act so cold. When I wrote my post last week, I didn't understand yet. I was so focused on MY upset feelings, and it shows in what I wrote. Then it finally sank in. He's not happy with the way things are. Not happy at all. He must have let it all bottle up for a good long while because it was quite the explosion! Something in the comments I received from my last post made me start looking at things from another perspective, someone asking if I was tending to his needs. It made me think about how he must be feeling. It's all a big vicious circle, really. And I believe that at the basis of it is my insecurity. Fear. If your girlfriend constantly doubted you love her, how would it make you feel? Not only that, I became the girlfriend that nags. It didn't feel like nagging on my end, I was reacting to what I was feeling, but yeah, I can see how it must have been for him. He says I was staying with him not for him, but for who I believed he could become. Doesn't everybody know you shouldn't try to change your mate? I didn't realize I was doing it. I just felt upset and I wanted something done about it! I finally realized that the only one who could do something about it is me. Now before you all start telling me how one-sided this is and how it can't all be my fault... I know. But I can't just blame it all on him. Too easy. It's sort of what I was doing, you see? Besides, I only have control over myself, therefore I will concentrate on working on my issues. I have to trust that he will take care of his own. It'll take some work, obviously. And I have to admit I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I think the first step is to decide to be with him for who he is. Accept and appreciate him completely. He will not become more affectionate, more understanding, more curious about my feelings, or more anything else. Well, he might, but on his own terms. I cannot make him. So I have to stop looking for more and start appreciating what he has to give, when he has it to give. Period. If it turns out it's not enough, then I leave. That said, I think it IS enough. I just kept looking for more because I was afraid he didn't care or something. It is my opinion that when I stop doubting and fearing, I will be happier. BT will be happier. We will communicate better, feel closer, more connected, there will be more affection, more sex... Fix the problems at the very basis and the rest should follow. And there you have it, an entirely too personal blog post. But writing things down helps me think them through and I have a hard time writing for no reason. BT, if you read this, I love you.

So BT and I aren't doing all that well. In fact, one of the last things he said to me was that he couldn't continue like this. "Not doing that well" might be an understatement. It happens every time I'm upset. Yesterday, it was because I started writing this blog post. It was a different post, then. It was going to be about how little sex we have, how it scares me. How I'm afraid that not doing any kink with him will make his interest drift away... I started writing about how I am afraid that the lack of sex is a symptom of our relationship being in trouble, or that he doesn't find me desirable. I wrote about three lines, then I ended up feeling so sad I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want him to see me cry, but he did and asked me what was up. I didn't answer though, couldn't find it in me. If I did, we'd fight... And I felt so bad! How many times have I told him that the lack of sex, the lack of intimacy, is killing me? When I do, he says "Ok, we'll have more sex!" But then... nothing happens. Nothing. I feel like he is mocking me: "Yeah, it bothers you, but so what?" He just tells me we'll do more of it to shut me up, to humor me, but he doesn't care about how I feel so he does nothing. It's hard not to start thinking that way, when something important to you seems to just be ignored by your significant other, even after talking about it several times. I don't really know what's really going on in his head, but what I do know is that it really hurts me. It's not so much the sex as the connection it creates, the feeling of closeness. I need the intimacy and the affection to feel good in my relationship. When I finally got around to try and tell him, it turned horrible. He ended up admitting that he doesn't seem to know whether he loves me or not, he says he's been trying to figure that out. I was so upset, I wanted to know what I am to him, and in the end, I pushed too hard, he said he couldn't do it this way. I want answers now but he can't give them to me now. Then he was so angry. I didn't manage to get anything else out of him last night, he was just too angry. I admit that I don't really know why he was so angry. I mean, I know I pushed, I know I said mean, hurtful things to try and get a reaction out of him, because I can't take his seeming lack of emotions. But if I said I really understand why he's angry, I'd be lying. Now I'm home, he's not here, and I don't know if this is really the end or not. I don't know, because similar scenarios have happened before. We've said we should break up so many times... The worse part is, our day-to-day life together is great. We're very good at just doing things together. I mean, I love even grocery shopping, with him. But if I'm upset with him for any reason, it turns to hell. I am not sure if I ask too much or expect too much of him, or if he just lacks empathy. One thing is for sure, if I am sad or upset, he is often cold or angry and that, I simply cannot deal with. To me, it seems only natural that if I'm upset, I want him to take me in his arms and comfort me. But him, if he believes I'm upset with him, he cannot do it. And I can't help wondering, is it normal, that my boyfriend does not hug me when I cry? I guess that fear is my worst enemy here. His lack of reaction makes me fear that he doesn't care. I often fear that he doesn't love me, or that I am more engaged in this relationship than he is. Fear is what makes me freak out at him, trying to get something, anything, out of him. Fear is what keeps me from being able to talk with him and understand what's happening.  Fear makes me upset, and as long as I'm upset, it's no use trying to reason with me. He is reason, so we do not speak the same language. I can't help but feel that if he took care of my feelings, then we could talk reasonably... I hope I am not making him sound like the bad guy. It's not my goal, especially not on a blog that I know he might read, and even if he didn't know the blog even existed. I guess I just needed to get some of it out of my system. I want to write him, but I'm not sure what to write yet. I don't know if this can be fixed, and I don't know yet if I even want to, I feel so hurt and discouraged. And oh, yeah. I am totally PMS-ing. Perhaps the Bene Gesserit had it wrong: fear is not the mind-killer, PMS is the relationship-killer.

This is me taking a picture of myself in the mirror. It's a busy week for BT and I, so I decided to take the pictures on my own. I even did it in advance! And to simplify matters, I used the little camera. Turns out when I don't use the flash, I like the pictures it takes. It's not the image quality of the big camera, but still, it's not bad at all!

Allright, gotta run!

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun? Check out the guidelines at Osbasso’s place!

When it comes to dealing with emotions, it seems like BT and I are two opposite extremes. My emotions can get pretty intense and what I feel comes out in words almost instantly. BT keeps it to himself, he'll hole up to think things through and then never mentions any of his conclusions. Sometimes I realize something I said hurt his feelings because 2 weeks later, he'll mention my comment offhandedly. That usually means it struck a sensitive chord. It's all classic Mars vs Venus stuff, really. I've mentioned it before, several times I'm sure, how these differences also interfere with our sex life, more specifically with the kinky stuff. Hell, a quick search and I found that I talked about it as far back as a year ago, in a post called Kinky sex, emotions and stuff. A year later, some things are still the same, some things have evolved. For instance, when I said:

I don’t know how to go about it, and I’m afraid he’ll say no. So fear of rejection. Have I ever mentioned that insecurity and domination don’t really go together?

Yeah, that's still pretty true. I am still hesitant about how to bring things up, and I am still scared he'll say no. Last weekend, for example. When we showered together, I made him cum but he didn't return the favor. Later that day, he was upstairs and I was downstairs so I went to talk to him on MSN. I told him I was going for a nap and I was thinking of bringing my little bullet vibe with me. He said "Hmmm, lucky vibe!" I replied that it was HIS job, really. Was he coming for a nap? His response? No, because he wanted to go jogging. That... hurt. I mean, he couldn't postpone his running for half an hour, or just the few minutes he'd need to get me off? Humph. I think a year ago, even a few months ago, I would have made a pretty big deal out of it. In last year's post, I wrote:

What’s certainly not helping is the poor control I have over my emotions. I’ve mentioned this before: I feel, I react. When I feel something, it just overwhelms me and I can’t get over it. So if Boy Toy doesn’t seem interested in playing, for example, and it makes me feel unwanted, I get stuck on that feeling. Unfortunately, I have a hard time going deeper than that first emotion. It stops right there, there’s no further introspection.

I'm still quite reactive, but I am much better at letting go of things, I believe. Not always, but generally speaking, yes. Last weekend, after BT's rejection, I went downstairs for my nap. For a little while I alternated between crying and being angry. Then I took out the vibe and gave myself 3 or 4 orgasms. I felt much better. I told myself that he didn't HAVE to feel like it right then and there. I did mention my disappointment when we spoke later, but I didn't go on and on about it and it didn't turn into a huge fight. Phew! The next day, we talked some more. He told me that he's been hesitant about doing kinky stuff because of how emotions get mixed up in there. He's afraid that I use domination to get the emotional comfort I need. For example, if I find we're not spending enough time together, I might make him be my slave to fix that. I understand exactly where he's coming from; I'm afraid of the same thing. I admit I've found myself fighting this temptation in the past. But "fighting" is the key word here; no matter how tempting it might be, my instincts tell me I don't want to go down that path. BT voicing his opinion about it only proved that I was right. So, we know what not to do, but because I - we - am not sure how not to do it, it's making us both hesitant to venture back into kink. I guess that knowledge is progress, though. I have an idea or two. I talked to him about having rules again, and he said maybe I could give him a few to try out for a month or so. So I gotta think about that. Find something I'd like to try on him. Also, I can try to limit the kink to just sessions, rather than going into the more 24/7-ish D/s stuff. Speaking of trying things, I've been typing this wearing black thigh-high socks, boy-shorts and a tank top. I waited until BT was gone jogging to get changed. When he got back and noticed, he asked what was up with all the sexy stuff, and I told him it's just how I'm dressed. He's cooking supper right now, so I better go. We'll see how this works out.

Cheap Clomid Online, Once again, I'm playing the lazy card... No new pictures this week, no longer taking clomid. 150 clomid mg, Luckily, we took enough pictures last week, bloating on clomid. Follicle development clomid cd 5, I decided to try them in black and white, this time, purhase clomid without a prescription, Clomid iui july 2009, and I kinda like them.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun, clomid when should next period occur. Can clomid make you o early, Check out the guidelines
at Osbasso’s place!. Clomid raise progesterone. Clomid helps erection. Weight gain on clomid. No prescription needed clomid. Clomid insomnia. Symptoms after ovulation on clomid. Clomid 2007. Cancer clomid risk. Days for conception on clomid. Clomid pdr. When should i ovulate taking clomid. Triplett clomid. Clomid challenge test. Clomid vancouver bc. Clomid 100mg days 1-5. Clomid cumshot pictures. Clomid steriods.

Similar posts: Buying Alprazolam. Where Can I Buy Reductil. Retin Pharmacy No Prescription. Valium narcotic. Soma discover card payment. Retin advanced guestbook 2.3.1.
Trackbacks from: Cheap Clomid Online. Cheap Clomid Online. Cheap Clomid Online. Progesterone levels clomid. Cyst clomid. Dianabol clomid stack.

Clomid Pharmacy No Prescription, I've been staring at this blog entry for the last 10 minutes, trying to come up with a clever title and something to say. But my brain has just decided to shut down, clomid over 40, Progestrone levels on clomid, I guess it's had enough for today.

Hey, purchaes clomid, Buy clomid paypal without a prescription, at least I managed to take HNT pictures.

Want to join in the HNT sexy fun, d-dimer clomid. Clomid without a prescription, Check out the guidelines
at Osbasso’s place!. Overstimulation of ovaries with clomid. Clomid pms. Taking clomid to get preg. Emotion while on clomid. Bleeding on clomid. Clomid late ovulation. Can you smoke while on clomid. Clomid migraine. No peak cbefm clomid. Progesterone level 20.7 after clomid. Clomid ovarian cyst. Clomid hcg shot iui late period. Clomid ovulation date. Clomid getting pregnant. Clomid interaction with cortisone shot. Prescription drugs clomid. Review online clomid sites. Ovulation on clomid. Timing intercourse clomid.

Similar posts: Order Valium Without A Prescription. Purchase Zithromax. Adipex For Sale. 1 g zithromax. Earache from ambien. Valium year started.
Trackbacks from: Clomid Pharmacy No Prescription. Clomid Pharmacy No Prescription. Clomid Pharmacy No Prescription. Will clomid close growth plates. Free clomid. Cancer clomid.

Order Clomid Without A Prescription, One morning last week, BT told me he'd had a kinky dream. He started to tell me about it but since I had to leave for work, dangers studies clomid, Clomid after lupron, I told him to email it to me... Here it is!

You were making these training videos, clomid rx, Pcos an clomid, sort of documentary/informational like.

The videos were advanced 24/7 where you kept me always locked up, clomid fertility therapy. Chinese medicine clomid, You were explaining on camera that you never left me unlocked and never left me with the ability to escape or beg my way out, you never left me a chance or else I would beg or try to find a reason to be let out, clomid while pregnant. "Golden rule, you said, never give the sub the slightest hope of a way out, you're the one in control at all times."

You were showing me off to the viewers, in a harness that was made like a belt and a collar, with a part going up the front and one down the back, both locked to the collar, and with the Fort in between, Order Clomid Without A Prescription. Clomid chances, The collar was metal but with black studs while the belt was leather with chrome studs. I remember it going up between my butt cheeks along the back and I even remember that the butt part had a hole for dildos!!, clomid pregnant symptoms. Trying to get pregnant on clomid, You had made the Fort lock into it all in the middle. And as you were explaining how it makes the male sub submit, clomiphene clomid, Signs of ovulation with clomid, I was realizing it did make me submit and with no way of removing it, it was quite the mindfuck, longer luteal phase with clomid. Order Clomid Without A Prescription, You were going on about how all house work and leisure time was spent naked or with harnesses, because it made the sub nice to look at and it enforced his submission. Using clomid with natural ovulation, You went on to explain that even though the leather straps could come off, the collar and Fort would always remain locked, mid cycle bleeding clomid, Clomid maximum number, further enforcing submission.

These other people were buying you stuff (not sure how that worked) and someone had found a matching wrist and ankle cuffs set that they were shipping to you, no ovulation on 50mg clomid. Premenstrual spotting clomid, While you were saying things like "Wow, this is amazing, clomid metformin allergy, Clomid sucess rates, free toys, and I can't wait to see you locked into the whole set", clomid sucess stories 2, Clomid without prescription fed ex shipping, I  remember thinking "I'll have to accept them, I have no choice I guess, when will i ovulate on clomid, A good clomid response, maybe she won't lock them on right away..."

Then you were shooting another video, showing me in different positions, clomid affect ovulation predicter, as if  you were showing others how a sub takes position and what each position was for. I'm not going to go into details but it was kinda kinky.

Then there was this other girl also shooting videos like yours and you appeared to be both participating in a common project, Order Clomid Without A Prescription. You were selling Forts like crazy. Poor subs. You were reviewing, or even approving, one of her videos and she was showing her poor sub in a Fort but his was special: the ring had a sort of electrocution zapping device so that she could remove the tube but keep the ring on for jogging, etc. and you were saying that you just had to upgrade your Fort to one like that, how great of an idea. Order Clomid Without A Prescription, Then I could see her video. The guy was coming back from jogging and he stripped and locked on the tube while she stood there with her arms crossed. She was laughing and commenting on how there was little or no hesitation.

The videos were full of forced chastity and explaining how to trick or introduce the sub or non-sub to it. You explained to the audience how to extend the chastity, saying that first they should tell him it's for the weekend only, then once he is in, they should have him strip and keep extending the locked-up period. Most of the time you were talking in front of the camera about technical or psychological submission and male stuff.

To finish your videos you needed some scenes of me working around the house with the harness on, and I had to set up the camera while I did things like dishes, wood working, and moping or cleaning. You were explaining that the camera recorded the time of everything so there was no deleting any scene or else there would be some punishment. And about this time, I woke up..

Similar posts: Cheap Valium Online. Where Can I Buy Zithromax. Where Can I Buy Soma. Ambien slows metabolism. Drug interaction soma ultram. Somas population.
Trackbacks from: Order Clomid Without A Prescription. Order Clomid Without A Prescription. Order Clomid Without A Prescription. Male infertility clomid. Clomid twins nursing journals. Clomid pressure post ovulation cramps pressure.